My nephew... so CUTE!

I can't help but post this KISS KISS POOH POOH erhm well that is really his idea of KISS.


Heh SATISFACTION

And this video. He's already learnt this new skill... so be careful if u invite him to ur birthday party, u'd have fun...

HOW, WHO, WOH?

How nice would it be if one could stop time now.
How wonderful would it be if i could stay as sharp, if not sharper than before.
How good things would be if things are less regimental.
How perfect would it be if i am not sucked by the seemingly endless work and deviate from Him.

HOW.

Yet we forget that each day, every second, no matter how little (or "not enough") it may seem, is a mercy from the all-Loving One.

AND its really weird how each of us waste these precious seconds unknowingly, only to regret much later.

HOW...

STUCK seems to be the word that is jarringly sticking out now.

HOW... ...

And yes, God is definitely training me how to be not ashamed to ask for help, how to learn to trust Him and rely on Him.

HOW?

Nibbles of Thoughts - On 13 Nov

Shall blog now. Cos I'm really very sian in this lecture. It is all about trials and so on... Got so many things to remember, still can remember all the nicely named trials? Am really glad I have my PDA with me.

Today I saw how an old parent cried for his middle aged son. The old Chinese saying of "white haired person sending off black haired person" Am really not sure how to react to these scenarios. I trust in the power of God. I know He can do miracles. Yet in such situations, should I pray for alleviation of suffering, salvation or healing? Of Course, salvation is key, yet I'm really lost. But guess will just trust the Holy Spirit to guide the prayer in such circumstances. Perhaps should ask my cell leader about it...

What a change in dynamics, guess when people are attached, they behave differently. Ha Really zhong se qing you. But I guess its all natural

But I guess it needs practice to be always aware of God's presence. Cos we're all self centred, always going back into our comfort zone, back to our old habits. Its like teaching the old dog new tricks. Whateva

Omnipresence

Yes, I must say I am not the free-est person around, but I just realised something that did not occur to me and just felt like writing something about it.

It is a whole new paradigm shift. Well, no. I knew of this before, yet i think either i conveniently ignored it or that it didn't hit home.

I have never experienced this, but I am beginning to. Made me realise how I have treated Him as any other person, going to Him only when I need Him or when I think I need to talk to Him. Yet, He is omnipresent. And yet many of us just shut Him out of our doors when we're going about our daily business and opening our doors to Him when we feel like it or we feel we're ready. Yet He is not some isolated person but He is always there.

Omnipresence is the keyword.

ANNOUNCEMENT - SONGS OF WORSHIP SUB-BLOG HAS BEEN SET UP

Ha it seems that all the youtubes of songs are getting abit irritating for viewers. Cos they'd have to scroll a long time before they get to the next post!

SO I'VE MOVED ALL THE SONGS TO A NEW SUB-BLOG AT: SONGS OF WORSHIP
SO IF YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO THOSE SONGS, PLEASE CLICK "SONGS OF WORSHIP" LINK ON THE SIDEBAR!

THATS ALL FOLKS!

Encouraged

In my boredom amid those Tetralogy of Fallot and incomprehensible short forms of my notes, i browsed youtube and came across this video. About a Muslim who converted to Christianity. Hmmm was very touched and encouraged by his testimony. Nope, not trying to spark any controversy on my homepage but yups, just wanna share this video. I am reminded once again of His love. How great His love is.

Not everyone will have such a striking and supernatural testimony. Everyone has different experiences. But once again I am reminded of the magnitude of His Love. I think that's the main thing about Christianity - Love.

Many has thought that if God is really loving, then everyone would be in heaven. And if it isn't then the love is limited... Well, that's not true. The classic example is satan. God is all-loving, wants everyone to be in heaven with Him. Yet, it really depends on the individual whether he / she wants to be with God. Satan didn't want. He wanted to be his own god. God's love was rejected. So likewise for us, you can only be in heaven if you choose to. You choose to be in His Love or rejecting His Love. God didn't create hell, yet when you reject heaven and God, there is no other place for you to be in, except a place which lacks heaven, devoid of God. And in this place, since it is devoid of God's presence, nothing can be sustained, there is death.

well, yups... here's the video, hope whoever watches it will be as blessed as i am!

Part 1


Part 2


:P

Interesting Day, but seriously...

I need to study! Ha well yups, after wasting the whole day, i guess i must do better tomorrow. Went for rehearsals in the morning, had lunch, then rushed back to NTUC-ing and prepare dinner... cos ...

MY BROTHER's BIRTHDAY.

Ha sorry dudes who wanted to eat this, I can only cook one big meal like once during these 2 weeks... so ha just providing some Photographs. Just treat it as if u've eaten them la!

Ha making dinner from simple ingredients.. Guess i can only do that! Me not so atas (ie high class)! Really marvelled when i saw the 2 brothers on newspaper last time - they had their own professional kitchen at home and they cook for others using the most exotic (and of course, expensive) ingredients. Eg They know how to prepare foie gras! Oh man haha think i'd never reach that standard. But yups, simple pleasures from simple things! Me just a simple man! ha

Drink - Sparkling lemon grass white grape juice. my own concoction! ha used lemon grass as straw!


Salad - Usual salad veg + hawthorn dressing (ha its those mix in water drink) + almond bits + apricot bits - sweet and tasty. Healthier than that mayonnaise or thousand island (eat already must run on thousand islands!)

Starter - haha no photos cos i forgot all about it until i started eating the crab. But yeah its steamed egg (like Jap chawanmushi - er my spelling wrong) mixed w tofu, mushroom and jin1 zhen1 (canto thingy i guess)

Main course - watercress and rice

Main course - Grilled pork ribs! (ha i love it! so nice! Esp after u add some herbs... and it tastes so sweet, slightly sour and slightly spicy.... hahahaha shhh the marinade is trade secret... ha just some random mix from whatever condiments i can find at home)


Main course - CHILLI CRAB

Without the sauce
(ha note that the leg numbers aren't quite in proportion compared to the shell that's cos the person sold us ALL THREE CRABS with only ONE PINCER EACH!!!! They deliberately cut it off! Wert... And we only realised it when we got home. So my dad went to ask about it (actually to complain la haha), but was retorted with the comment: for those crabs with TWO PINCERS it is sold at 20+/kg compared to the current 10+/kg. We were like !?!?!?! So i guess they sell the pincer off to the restaurants who'd make things like crab meat sharksfin... But still, having a "Yang Guo" crabby sounds crappy cos it simply means a few days ago they cut the pincer off and so its not the freshest crab!)
BUT OH WELLS, it turned out that the crab was absolutely fantastic... the meat was succulent and really alot... compared to the past crabs i made, which were smaller, more difficult to eat the crab and abit more "fen3 fen3" ie powdery. Only gripe: one of us didn't get to eat the pincer! NO PINCER GRIP!!!

With the sauce / gravy, whichever u like to call it. (photo not well taken though!)


Finally, the dessert. ha no, not at all sinful.. very light and healthy! All made of fruits! Konnyaku jelly w orange sorbet and grapes and strawberry!


So the whole spread looks something like this:

So healthy rite... the meal doesn't look too oily or fatty. (other than the cholesterol in crab but i made it up with the salad, watercress and fruitty dessert!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BROTHER! MUHAHAHA! Think he enjoyed the meal. Well, he better have enjoyed it, or else.... ... ...

TIME TO MUG! oops... its wednesday already! :(

爬得越高，摔的越重!

第一次这么深切地感受到，你做的每一个决定，都能影响许多人。
看起来非常平凡、不起眼的一件事，都能带来严重的后果。
每一件事都须深思熟虑，一不小心便会犯下弥天大错。
以前总以为自己是不怕跌倒，跌倒后能很快站起来。
但原来不是。
又或许人越大，越怕跌倒。
就像那老人家，一跌就会卧病在床，久久不愈。
爬得越高，摔的越重；越大越是摔地重。
我，还在学习如何不怕跌倒，如何很快的再站起来。
毅力不到，而不是一蹶不振。

Cats. ha

I can't help but post this: CUTE! Am reminded of BZ & LLL! muhahaha!

You think only you can doze off...


The ferreting kitty...


The video's too long... but Kitty Wipes is here


Heh

Musings

Random post, referring to myriad of things that happened. So pardon for the jump in thoughts… Each paragraph is but one point of reflection ha. Might/might not have links with the other paragraphs!

I realised its only when its post call do I really sit down and reflect. It is only now do I "pen" it down.

Today, I regretted my own thoughts, my own actions. Its not that I did something outrageous, but it is censured by my own conscience. Rather, the Lord. I realised, while this may not often happen, but there exists a substantial number of people, who are difficult, for a reason. However, we often are just put off by these "difficult" moments, these little snippets of inconveniences which throw us out of our routine that we fail to notice the reasons. I am guilty of that, and for that matter, when I realised the impact of it, it was too late. Had I realised, had I took a moment to think with my heart, I would not have done things like this. I would not have labelled them "difficult" in my heart. I would not have the "if you do not want anything, of course there is nothing I can do and what do you still expect from us".

I so wanted to pray for her, but under those circumstances, I could only mutter something below my breath. I mean when all eyes are scrutinising what you are doing, and any major action that you undertake will potentially bring you down, though it is done out of kindness or concern in your heart. It is not with the subject that you will be helping, but rather the onlookers that are difficult to pacify. You know that who you're reaching out will be appreciative of your efforts, but you do not reach out that hand for fear of the numerous pairs of eyes looking at you. Yes, I do agree this is nothing new. It is an age old argument - tongues will wag. Yet, I am always torn between this "reaching out" and "behaving properly as the society deems appropriate". I know what the society deems correct is never the gold standard. Yet like the turtle, I find it really tough too climb out of that shell. Lord, I need strength to break that shell and crawl out of the comfort zone... Torn between professionalism and what you think is right.

If only I talked to them, things might have been different. I could feel the Holy Spirit nudging me to do something, especially when the words "Rosh Hashana " and " Yom Kippur (day of atonement)" sprung out suddenly. I had the "familiarity" advantage, but I froze in my steps for fear. I should be more afraid that I'm not listening to Him than fitting into the world, but inadvertently, the reverse happened. And my, those words reminded me of my devotion which has dissolved in the face of daily life, how resolutions which I made faded so easily. Aargh! Am disgusted with myself.

Handling the inevitable. I guess one of the reasons I labelled them difficult was that I could not come to terms with this idea they put forth. Probably it was due to my training, or it can be that I could not stand their contradictory statements. Perhaps in situations like this it is always tough to be consistent in your thinking. They were torn between what they wanted and what they felt was best for their loved one. But they've shown me how one handles the big D that haunts everyone. Yes, I know I have victory over that big D, yet when others face it, I do not know how to handle it. I can only leave the big D into His hands. At least, this was not the idea of "comfort measures" that I had. And for a moment I fully experienced what is meant by watching helplessly. It stings most terribly not because you have exhausted your means, but rather you have yet to exhaust your means yet your hands are like tied and you can't do anything.

It seems, as one ages, our outlook towards life change. I am really not sure how she would have wanted things to happen. I keep on getting the feeling that the family were putting their ideas onto her, who was helpless and nearly unarousable. But well, I can’t change their minds. Perhaps this weird feeling it’s just a way that I use to “vent” – as almost all who’re on my list are palliative because the family or person involved chose it.
To cure sometimes, to relieve often, to comfort always. But my idea of comfort has been whacked upside down. Perhaps I’ve not really truly encountered these situations outside the textbook so when I’m faced with it, I need a bit more time for adjustment. Once again, textbook comes alive.

By right the week had been a relaxing week. Non-taxing. Am really not sure why I’m having all these musings.

The mouth. I prayed for Him to reveal the spiritual roots to the affliction. I realized that the mouth is a dangerous tool. And I’ve been using it very much in the wrong way most of the time. Well, at least I didn’t want to blog about this but cannot remember the original context in which I put down the point “the mouth”. So I’m blogging more on the affliction than anything.

This then brings me to the point that I do not seem to write in detail the day’s events. Like a diary. I know if I do not write down in detail events, I will forget the context which I write all these reflections (on my blog). Yet, this is still a public domain, how can I not spare the details? Yet, I am too lazy to re-write them on a so called diary. One of the reasons why blogging has been much more successful that keeping a diary: I prefer typing to writing anytime. (Ha, I cannot imagine if I did not learn to type when I was younger) It is times like this that I can only lament the lost of great details of my liife.

I am back to the "I need time for myself" feeling. So I headed down for my own share of comfort measures today but no didn't get that perfect fix that I wanted. It was still a relaxing afternoon. Ha simple pleasures in life... Felt a little rejuvenated after everything. Classic examplf of the fact that TV does not give you rest. It is spending time with yourself and doing things you truly enjoy that gives you the rest. But well, I am really not sure why I can still be glued to that box all the time. Probably an escape mechanism.

All in all I hope I don't regret that so called sacrifice I've made. Both are once in a lifetime things. Well but then again, many things happen only for that one transient time.

Oh my, its back to that newsbreaking thing again. Still cannot bear to bring myself to break the news. Pray more about it.

Have more to write, but times up! :P brb

Purity

Ha yesterday's sharing had been great. Not that the message was something that hasn't been heard before, but the fact that my mouth opened and i actually shared about something so personal. Yes, in fact i don't know why my mouth opened and how i actually would say all those things. But the fact was that God has calling me to do that for many times but I never really got about doing it. This time, I did it. The feeling was, liberating.

Really. I finally understood what it means by crucifying your flesh. It is a long arduous journey of giving up your old ways. Those ways that are sinful and terrible. The very word "crucifying" simply means that it is a slow and painful process. Now i look back, I really thank God for seeing me through. Am so glad God pulled me out of the filth.

The whole process begins with you identifying the areas in your life which you've problem with, ie having a problem with God. In short, sins. Then the nudging from the Holy Spirit to ask us to change. And starting to change. And falling back to the habit again after some time, back where you started and try again. Yes, it is exactly like trying to kick a drug addiction. During the process you might feel like you've lost yourself, feel that you can't continue, even having "depersonalisation" (yes, psychiatric term). Yet at the end of it all, you feel much much lighter and the problem that once seemed to be taking every part of your life now becomes nothing more than a speck of dust. And to wipe away that final speck, its to talk to someone else about it. Only when the problem comes to light, will it be gone forever.

And yes, so I've completed resolution of 2 issues. I know the 3rd one will be resolved soon. And well i guess i'm just waiting for a more matured person to bring it to light and thereafter uprooting these issues forever and ever.

As I look back, I really do not think how I managed to walk through all that. I wouldn't want to walk through it again. Yet, in future if there's something like this once again, I'd be more cool about it, for I know at the end, God is waiting for me. He is standing at the end of the whole race waiting to pick me up and hug me. Daddy God!

I am proud of Daddy God. And likewise, at the end of my life, I wanna Him to be able to say proudly, "that is my son!"

So, walk in all purity!

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

How apt. How striking the message was.

When he cried, the message reached out even more strongly. It struck me.

Its really amazing how God works. As he prepared for the message, he was struck by his own faults. So he simply shared his thoughts. God has turned his reflection and repentance into reflection and repentance in everyone who was listening, bringing us all back to where we started, when we felt like a filthy piece of rubbish. We are all pieces of rubbish that God saved. (Yes, no matter how "respectable" your sins may seem, all sins are equal in His eyes.)

He lives by example. He may not be perfect, yet he is right. Even in his position, he is still reflecting upon himself daily. He is full of repentance before God. He has shown that there can never be a day that we do not have to repent, for there is no way we're going to be perfect before we meet Christ face to face.

Every day, we have to lay down everything at the foot of the cross and ask for His forgiveness. It is only when we reflect upon ourselves daily that we can keep on growing and maturing in Christ. We have to examine all our sins and be determined to change. And we have to remember always that being saved is only the starting. We have always to be in a state of being "poor in spirit", which simply means that we do not become self-righteous, but instead always recognising how Jesus has paid double for all our sins. Once we forget this and get too comfortable with our lives and think that we have nothing to repent about or "i'm already quite good", we're on our way to becoming self-righteous, we're on our way to becoming the Pharisee.

Yes, and he too, is right. I might really be on my way to becoming a Pharisee. Thank God for showing me this. I probably have started to be judgmental, forcing my thoughts on others, not being the gentle servant He expects us to be. Repentance!

To always be the poor in the spirit, so that we can yield to God every day.

And definitely, i realised as i reflected, when one is self-righteous, ie righteous in his own thoughts, it is difficult for him to accept Christ. When one has his own set of thinking rather than that which comes from God, he has set his own benchmark unknowingly, which traps him and he is unable to see things from another perspective. One will hold on to his benchmark and no matter what happens, he will use his benchmark to choose. Hence, no matter how many choices there are, he is limited by the benchmark he sets, so he can only see one eventual choice.

Perhaps everyone is like this, but I'm glad my benchmark does not come from myself, but from God.

Truly understood what is meant by sitting on different sides of the camp. You understand the opposing camp, yet you are never able to accept them, due to differences in ideals, principalities. That might lead to war.

I knew God's grace was important, but never realised the impact until recently. I always thought reasoning, convincing worked, yet God has truly shown me the reason for my salvation is by grace and grace alone. Not by my own warped reasoning. There is nothing I've done that deserve His grace, yet He showered it upon me. So now there is nothing else I can really do, except to pray for His grace.

Pray to be poor in the spirit daily.

One thing is for certain. There's a fixed volume. So how much we get of Him is how little we shrink ourselves into. And He will fill the remaining space.

And yes, for her, where she's treading to is against principalities. Yet in the bottom of my heart, I know she'd be able to do it, cos I confident in Him.

Being poor in the spirit, however, can disadvantage us too. If we yield not to God but towards something else, it is dangerous, for that something can fill that gap and make us even poorer in the spirit unknowingly. We deviate further and further. So it all boils down to God's grace. Yes, it is true that for them, they too have a relationship, they too yield to something higher, yet, when this relationship is not with god but with a spirit, does it really not matter? why would one be content with that?

Yes, be poor in the spirit and yield to God.

And be glad to be in His grace.

Thoughts

Each and every day i'm trying. Not too bad, but there is definitely room for improvement. It has been on my mind for some time. How to juggle my time, how not to let the busy-ness get into me and how to spend each and everyday with Him and not get sucked into the cycle of meeting Him only on weekends.

It is tough. He did not promise it will be easy. And it is tougher that every action of yours will be scrutinised, that every action will be matched up to a preconceived standard. Yet this perspective is new and definitely helps change me. Just the imagery of Jesus sitting beside me and listening to what I say in my every day life is really strong. I become more aware of myself, of how I'm conducting myself and it is almost like a constant reminder to live a life glorifying Him and not of the flesh.

Someone asked - is there free will in Christianity. Yes, there is. He gave us the option to choose to accept Him or not. Yet, for all that He has done for me, I am willing to give up my freedom and submit to His ways. Its like when you're in a relationship with someone, you'd just give up certain things, all out of love. Therefore, I am trying to change.

I am not perfect. Please do correct me anytime. i need correction.

Think through...

efficiency efficiency. i need lots of that.

anw had a great sharing today. just feel so different but i guess cos we're all nearly the same age we can clique and understand each others' struggles. Actually i've come to a point of forgetting their ages ha

had a talk with someone. just felt that to understand fully what to do in future, the purpose of your life, the crux is to find out the truth and then you can fix the other stuff.

like when i was in yr 1, i struggled with my purpose, my being; was not even sure if what i was doing what i was believing in is real. Yet i know if i didnt find out, no matter how stressed by the exams was, i couldnt continue on with my life, with living. Cos living will be so meaningless. I knew myself. I'm that kinda of person that will not rest till i make sense of something bothering me. So i'd never be at peace if i didnt find out the truth. The truth might not be as it turns out to be, or i hoped to be, but i knew at that point of time, i needed an answer to carry on with living. And yes, i am glad i found the answer.

It doesn't really matter what answer you get, but i guess we cannot just stay in a state that we just be through each and every day not being fully sure of what we are doing, what our purpose is. Mindless pursuits are just so ridiculous. You have to know where you're heading to, to have a stand. Even if you may not be right i guess.

And yes, i fully agree with my friend. Every moment, every second in life can never be repeated. And we may think we might meet the person again, yet you might never know. And the sphere of people that we each meet are different so it makes us all unique in a sense and no one can fulfill that niche of speaking to others other than you. For example, i guess im the only one who knows person A in that place where person B brought me to and person B doesn't even know person A. i mean all these links are so complex and so intriguing. It is a wonder how each of us are connected, how the way we're connected with other people is also unique.

And we will never know what happens the next day. We dunno if we'd wake up to another day. So live each day as it is the only chance for you to do something. Only then do we appreciate the opportunities we have, the people we meet and to speak to them.

Someone posted me this question. Thought it was really interesting. I have my answer, but have you gotten yours? The question's like this: when you die, and you were to see someone standing in front of you, how confident you are of who He is? will it be the god you worship, or are you not even sure of it? For me the answer is clear. I am very confident that when I die, i'd meet God. no doubts about that.

basically the question is: what is the truth?

The truth may hurt now, but do not let it hurt you forever. seek the truth, do not avoid.

There can only be but one truth. An apple will always be an apple no matter how you call it. it can appear as different forms but there is only one fruit that is an apple. you can have a fruit that looks similar eg nectarine but it'd never be an apple.

There can never be multiple truths cos if there is multiple, it isn't a truth anymore. By definition of Oxford dictionary, true = in accordance with fact or reality / genuine / exact / accurate. So with such precision, there can only be one truth.

Teachers' day today. wow. i guess it not only celebrates the contribution by the school teachers. I guess everyone can be a teacher, if we so want - in different aspects of life. And yes, this day is the start of a month of prayer.

salvation. Hmmm interesting note here. what is salvation in Christianity? will you go to heaven just because you are "christian" or so called accepted Christ? Accepting Christ is but just a belief that there is Christ, and you wants Him to come into your life. that is just the beginning. Yet do you go to heaven just because of this? no. not really. satan knows God, he fears and trembles at His name, but is he saved just because he believed? NO NO NO! It is how you live your life. satan knows that there is a God. but he does not live a Christ-like life. he is only out to destroy. So for anyone who thinks that you're saved just cos you are a Christian, it is absolutely not true. If you do not repent of your ways, do not change and continue to sin, then you're no different from satan and his angels.

And definitely, there can be no human effort to reach Him. there has to be His grace.

Keeping my eyes fixed on Him! And tarry not, there is no time to waste!

MEDAL FOR SINGAPORE!!!! TABLE TENNIS ROX

Ha well other nations have it easy. They can almost predict whether they can get the next gold medal. (think: P-H-E-L-P-S ha) But for Singapore, its been a wait for 48 years! I watched the match. Yes, it was nearly 4 hours long, so much so that they had to shorten the time and limit the number of strokes by each player in the last game. But yet under such pressure, our dear Feng Tianwei had nerves of steel and battled on valiantly. Ha and the doubles was good too! i mean before that they say we've never beaten the Korean doubles, but now we actually won! Woo hoo! Well done ne!

If you look at all the statistics etc, you'd have predicted that Singapore could win. After all, we are seeded second. Yet, i guess for a nation who's never gotten so near to the podium in nearly half a century, if u're the ones representing the nation, you'd too have dropped ranking from 1 to 100. I mean like so much pressure so much expectations how to stay calm right? At least for me, the non participant, i just could not sit still. i was shouting, cheering, clapping, booing, banging hands and legs, jumping around at each stroke of the tie breaking match between Feng and Park. Oh man. I told me fren that my heart just came out lah! So yups, here's the moment to savour:



and this being just after National Day sounds so apt.



And i was very emotional after they won. Nearly had tears of joy. ha But can you imagine if you're them?

HA finally, please do remember to tune in to Channel U at 7.30pm on Sunday for the finals against China!

Sidenote: i really wonder how PM Lee can deliver his national day speech on sunday when our nation's on our way to try get a GOLD! Oh man, think no one will be watching his speech lor, and those in the auditorium will be wanting to leave. For all you know halfway during his speech they'd screen updates ha. Ha i tink PM Lee also can't concentrate leh! Even Mr Teo Chee Hean was in Beijing today to support them lah!

For me, i guess the silver is good enough. *contented* But you know, as humans we're all greedy. Once you have the silver, you'd want the gold. ha. If there is this slight chance, we'd still wish for a GOLD, no matter how strong China team seems.

me in great anticipation... cham think will be thinking of the finals the whole weekend!

WELL DONE SINGAPORE! WELL DONE LI JIAWEI, WANG YUEGU, FENG TIAN WEI. You gals rox!

P/S: Why aren't these people working?



cos its the olympics!

... and people aren't studying too!


like me! MUHAHAHA

tata

My dear feedback

RRRRRrrrrr

Ok but yeah, now im physically filling up the feedback forms in the hospital. Our dear university has downgraded itself in terms of technology. I can fully understand why they're doing this, but I just need to complain... for a while.

The feedback forms for our tutors used to be online. So we just have to gain access to the internet and then we just click click click and we're done. But ya, students being students, they always ignore what the administration tells them to do. So the feedback rate is as low as 20% in some rotations. As feedback is so important in judging the *&^^%#&*%($$ given to the hospitals, they need a high feedback rate. So to ensure that all of us do it, they've downgraded the whole system of feedback to the paper system again. so all of us have to use our pen and fill up SHEETS of feedback forms. Waste ink, waste paper, waste time. Seriously, i type faster than i write lah!

Sigh...

just some complaints....

but oh wells on the brighter note. TABLE TENNIS WOMENS SEMIFINALS SINGAPORE VS SOUTH KOREA!!!! coming up. i hope they win

Tough, Sombre but True.

The title suggests it. These videos are titled "the immoral generation"

Part1


Part 2


Well, Just felt that we should all reflect upon these issues and not leave it hanging. Face it, not avoid it, and change.

Breaking the walls of my Igloo and walk right into the cold, bringing the only warmth - LOVE - to the unknown snow capped land

I have never been so impressed. She has really opened my eyes to many things which I have not seen or thought about before. As what V would say, "You have really challenged me." I have never seen that kind of love radiating out from somebody. I have never seen that kind of expressivity, that kind of love and concern, emulating that perfect love of the Lord.

I find myself pale in comparison. Now I find my own ideals and purpose put to shame.

Face it, boy! You have always been dreaming, been a dreamer, just thinking about things but never really doing it. Or rather, you have always not been able to walk out of that box. At most, you have only walked to the door, facing the world outside briefly and returning back to your box.

It is time to wake up and inject some energy and enthusiasm in my life! I have been stagnant for so long. In fact at times, the water has flowed back from where it started.

I am not so high and mighty. I am only a small fry. Yet, not matter how small a fry I am, as long as I don upon the love of the Lord, people will be touched.

I realised that how un-expressive I am. I find it difficult to express my feelings, to show my concern, to verbalise the real thoughts I have inside. It is always suppressed. I may seem like a joyful, loud person, but I am only an empty vessel. I make the most noise over small things which I have done. Yet I come to realise, that I should learn to be less noisy and fill up my vessel. But now I know, how it is to express concern, how to make your thoughts into action.

I must say I am really impressed.

I guess I have always put a wall around myself. This wall is built up through years of experience in this world. The wall was set up to protect myself - from cheats, etc - so that if anyone wanted to, they could not hurt me.

Yet it is time for me to break down this thick wall. I have seen how this wall has stopped me short of reaching out to others, to showing my genuine concern. I have seen how someone who's not afraid of being cheated, being taken advantage of, can touch many others.

All the things I have thought of and wanted to do, but not done - W did it. I always tell myself "one day... one day i'd do it... now the circumstances do not allow it... my *** will do *** etc etc... the time will come..." but I have realised two things. One, the famous saying: "time and tide waits for no man." Two, be proactive and lift your butt off the seat and get things done! No use talking!

And yes, I often wonder why do others have so much time, yet I seem to always be struggling with time. I really need some planning. I really need to make myself more efficient.

Mark my words. No matter how tongue tied I am, how uncomfortable i get when talking to others, showing my general concern, I will try.

Shall see where He leads me. Revelation in the process...

I will try to love as how God loved us. I cannot love every single one in the world. But He can. And I will try... May Your love flow through me!

I have wasted another day. But i shall waste it no more... There is so much to be done, yet the workers are few.

I will work hard in breaking this wall!

Happy National Day + Olympics! WOOO!

hur hur hur... its time for some patriotism! Its national day! ha nope never had the habit of rushing for the tickets to try to get a glimpse of the national day parade, but without fail every year, my family will gather at my grandma's home for a curry chicken feast and watch the parade! Don't know how it all started, but yups, that is the usual practice every year since i was born. Guess national day is not just a day for us to come and remember the contributions of our forefathers, to look back at the hard work of Singaporeans and how fare we've come. It is also a day for the family to get together, to remember how important our family is.

For our dear foreign friends reading this post, you probably do not know much about Singapore. Here's some info! Love wikipedia haha:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singapore
and http://www.visitsingapore.com/publish/stbportal/en/index.html

erhms and now its olympics time!!! Ha dunno why everytime olympics i get so excited! already have in mind what i intend to watch! Yups love sports ne! ha tink i am getting abit ga ga over the olympics. even subscribed to sms alerts to results of team singapore's performance! (ha free lah) haha so even though i cant watch i'd know how fellow singaporeans r doing! ha hope can catch the badminton games la! badminton leh! susilo rox ha just try ur best la ha if u too wanna catch our team's performance, go to: http://www.teamsingapore.com.sg/publish/teamsingapore/en/games/Olympics/Beijing2008.html

k enuf crap. back to studying... :s

The Floppy Infant

Once again, this might be an emo post. Guess i'd only pen down the more emo stuff usually. So beware...

Starting my revision postings... We've to build up the exam mood, we're trying to race against time to see as many cases as possible, so much so that we plunge into case after case. Yet, caution! Take a step back, take a moment to reflect...

As I look at them, i'm reminded of why i had wanted to do paediatrics. Helpless, powerless are they. A whole life ahead of them, yet just one irresponsible parent, just one stroke of bad luck, just one infection, they'd be a dependent for the rest of their lives...

Have seen a very cute baby during tut. Did all the necessary examination, thought he was normal, except probably his occiput was flatter than usual. Yet when we looked at the MRI, i realised, he might remain that "cute" forever... Development will be impaired, especially of the brain. Intelligence, motor function, personal social, might not advance any more. His brain might compensate, might rewire, or it might not. How true the saying is: what is done, cannot be undone.

Who then will help these helpless ones?


***
I always think that we are held responsible for the gifts God has given us. If u're given more, you're expected to use more of what you have (blessings, gifts etc) to help others who have less. It is a fair system. So perhaps, it is better to be less smart? At least there'd be less responsibility ha.

***

so anyway, i'd see where He leads me...

RaMbLinGs of the UnStEaDy, SlEep DePriVED MiND

Work has been quite interesting thus far. But yet, sometimes it sets me thinking.

Where there are people, there will be politics, there will be interpersonal relationships to handle. For those who know me, hmmm i think deep inside me i really do not know how to handle such things. Or rather i do not like to handle such things. But i guess i just have to learn. Things are no longer as simple in school, where everyone's a student and everyone is just helping everyone, with that occasional gossip just for the fun of it.

I feel like i am learning ballet everyday. I tiptoe everyday, just to make sure i don't step on others' toes. Yet, with such a fat and clumsy ballerina like me, i am unable to keep that tiptoe and land my big fat foot heavily on others' toes. And such things tire me. And realise how important it is to have a friend or fellow colleague in the same shoes to share your thoughts, if not i think i'd become a mad ballerina.

Yes, the ballerina dances best during the solo dance, when she can just leap and fly and split without thinking of stepping on others' toes.

I thought i was used to being the odd one out in Uganda, being the "celebrity" getting all the stares and attention, when every action of yours will be scrutinised. Yet, back here, its the same. Don't like that feeling i guess. But no choice. I don't like to do things or trying to do things just to "show someone that i am capable, i can do stuff". I might have used to be like that when i was still a teen, but nah definitely not now. I just want to do my own stuff. Don't disturb me.

Am i simple or am i too complicated? Sometimes i find myself not knowing how to respond to a certain person/action. I find myself lacking a character. When i just do not know how to behave, i'd just smile in a silly manner. Or rather, i find alot of things funny that people don't find it funny and i can't control myself. All my expressions are on my face. I feel so transparent. But yups, though i can act, i have learnt more and more how to be true to myself and not act. Feel that I have been peeling off that layers and layers of covering over me during these few years.

Take for eg i went to this _____ store to buy drink with my fren. Cos my fren was paying first and i passed him some money for my drink, he wanted to pass me his 5 cents coinS. Ha so u know my usual reaction is.... "huh don't want la. they will definitely give you change then you just pass me the change" in Mandarin. Then this cashier suddenly burst out (in mandarin, towards me): "don't think i don't understand what you are talking about. I can speak chinese, malay, english, tamil" and then to prove it she said things in all the 4 official languages. Ha so you know i was at first like ??? i wasn't even talking to / about you, you're saying this. Then later the first thought that entered my mind was that (cos i was in a psy ward) could she be an escapee fr the ward? then i burst out laughing but tried to control. then she got more pissed. sigh i mean i dun mean to make anybody angry or wat but it just happens. Out of my control, when i try to be the person that i am. Ha many incidents worse / like this la. but yups i don't really care actually, but u know when u're working, things really turn out better if u are able to handle such things. u'd rather have a (N_r _E) fill in the blanks that can help u do ur stuff rather than one who'd even say durin resus "i cant do chest compressions" and just stand there, when everyone else is busy.

Well this week when i fully get involved in the care of my pt, i invested more emotions into it and yes, i end up worse.

all in one day:
1) anaemia workup ---- result: malignant gastric ulcer
2) came for gastroenteritis, +ve salmonella - did chest xray - noticed large lung lesion on upper lobe - had chronic cough, was advised years ago to do surg for lung but defaulted - +ve for Tuberculosis in sputum (more layman term la, so u all can understand) - CT scan shows multiple lesions in lung and liver. Cancer vs TB.
3) Liver nodule for biospy - hepatocellular carcinoma ie liver cancer
my reg was breaking all these bad news all within the same round. of course, he's good, he's experienced. he has done it so many times its impersonal. or rather, he sees the patients once a day during that short less-than-one-hour round he doesn't really know them. it could be the way he put it. After he said it to the patients, they were like: "uh huh..." but i wonder when the message really sets in, how will they feel. there's one that felt like nothing had happened and even loudly said bye and thanked us when he was to be transferred to another ward.

but as he broke the bad news, my heart was breaking...

1) this nice affable old man. always so tolerant to the pokes i make in his arms. always thanking us. just admitted for giddiness, had long term anaemia already, but yet...
2) this guy is mid forties, ONLY CAME IN FOR GE, so healthy and strong, so friendly, yet...
3) well this guy has the lowest pain threshold, always hurling verbal abuses at me and others cos we couldnt get that IV plug in... always... until today... last time i was abit scared cos he'd wail and wail till the whole ward can hear when i poke in that needle. now i just let him... i really dun mind, i wont feel unhappy, i wont take it against him. he has all the reason to do so and i fully understand. so when he was hurling all his !@#$$$%$#@! at me during plug setting (post call mind u) i really just let him and tried to be as gentle. then the cleaner also couldn't stand it and scolded him for me but i just kept quiet, let him continue. i prayed to God, to let me get this plug in once and for all and not add to his pain. I did it. oh well, He did it. i just finished it and left, but while throwing my sharps, i teared. am not sure why... felt adamant about his comments? nope. but definitely thankful for the Lord for helping me in my procedures. felt sad for him? maybe... but i definitely do not want the cleaner to be arguing with the patient... i mean i don't think he deserved to be treated like that, yet the cleaner was doing it for me indirectly.... he is a difficult patient but i mean when someone's potentially terminally ill, u wouldnt really want him to live his remaining days being at odds with all the nurses and ah-ma and cleaners in the ward. i know he makes unfair demands, but should we as HCWs just pay lip service to him? hmmm...

i am not sure why in just half a ward u can have 3 potentially terminally ill patients... all discovered in one day. and its abit overwhelming.

someone made the passing comment that the newsbreaker was like an "angel of death" and they laughed. yes, i couldnt believe it that i actually smiled at that joke. only to realise how wrong i was, how bad i was.. at the next moment. i am guilty for being such an impersonal HCW, just like the rest.

I don't want myself to turn impersonal but yet, at the same time i know, if i put too much emotions, it'd be real draining for me.

but oh wells.... i know i can draw strength from the Lord. When i am weak, He is strong...

post call... as usual cant sleep in broad daylight but yet cant do anything... the call was tiring but ok la i guess.... yet, another politiking thingy... wateva...