Only when its lost, u truly will cherish

I read somewhere... That if not all things were transient, that if not all things would end one day, would not these things be so precious to us... Guess Man is a forgetful lot - everything taken for granted, as if everything will be the same everyday when we wake up. But all it needs one little change in a small detail, it will be drastic...

I must be one who never learns. Many a time when I told myself I had to cherish the things around me, the next moment I will be too preoccupied with something else that i began to take things for granted... Every time I told myself I had to change, but yet I will return to my own comfort zone. Truthfully, I told myself, "That can wait... till I finish this/that" weeks... months... years... passed by yet nothing's changed. everything is uneventful. Sometimes truly it was beyond my control, but what if, I've tried harder? Things might have been different.

This is the third time... The first - it was lost. I looked high n low for it, but it was nowhere to be found. I took solace n comfort, that it probably had gone somewhere, cherished the hope that it had found a better place to live. I was sad, couldn't let go, was looking for it over a week, n resolved by cheating myself... that it had survived n living happily somewhere else... although i knew... i knew... the chances were low. More likely it was all alone, in some dark corner, cold and hungry, slowly withering... going slowly, to the place of no return... And yet i gently allowed it to slip away from my memory, my attention, though it will present itself in my mind at times, as if haunting... I even dreamt about it...

The second - it belonged to a friend. He was in hospital, and i took it home, providing a shelter. A red swelling was discovered, then using my "medical instinct" took some antiseptic, to clean it, hopefully it will be cleared of the infecting germ. The next day, all i discovered was a cold, hard rock. It was then, it was really then, that i began to realise how limited my knowledge was. It was supposed to work well in theory, but i guessed, the dose was toxic, even though i had diluted it ten times. No i had overlooked something... it probably licked. That was it. Things are probably not as it really seems...

The third - well maybe it cannot be considered as the third. Could not remember it was given to me, or was it a replacement for the second. yes it was for the second, for I was filled with remorse. But yes, the friend did not want it. I gave it away... but barely 2 days later came the dreadful sms... I begin to wonder if i really was a jinx...

This is the THIRD, at least, at my house... I knew this day would come. I was counting the days... 2 years... all it had was 2 years... i calculated... 2 years, including the time before i've seen it... so when i realise the time was not to my advantage, i really told myself to take care of it, to play with it to make it comfortable. Love, peace, joy, was all i wanted it to have. At a moment, in my innocence, I even wondered where it will go after 2 years. I thought... I would want it to be heaven, a place where endless love, joy and peace. In my innocence, I began to talk to it, began to comfort it, began to sing hymns to it. but after the exams, i seldom looked at it... just took it out to play. when 2 years was up, i took it for granted. it was as if everything was back to the same. I thought everyday I wake up, everything IS the same. but it IS NOT. week after week, as if almost a ritual - tuition, lessons, mug, exam, watch TV, slack, do housework, nag at my parents, being nagged at in return - a cyclical thing. nothing had changed. only one thing did. TIME. Little have i realised each day, being so precious, has been wasted. I knew it was changing, YET i didnt do anything about it. Probably i thought i had too much time, it had too much time.... but yet once u look back, everything seemed to have passed by so fast, that there is only room for regret. Yet this, will bring us back to the cycle.... nothing will change, except time n there is really no time to be wasted on regret - upon the things that have past, such that it sucks time out of the present. I will not allow myself to dwell upon regret, though it was as if a lightning bolt piercing through my heart. I will continue to cherish... everything around me... (wonder if this is once again yet another empty promise i make to myself.... for all it may turn out, just another means of cheating myself...)

yes it IS gone. just 10 minutes into the bathroom and something has changed. Just a little uproar from my parents, esp my naggy daddy... n now, barely half an hour later, everything is back to same as before. Me on my laptop, my dad half listening to TV, half asleep, my brother reading his book and my mum, forever deep in thought about even the minute things making her so kancheong everytime... regret? i guess so, but hidden well. but i guess, their minds are in a whirl, just like mine...

Pick up the pieces, pick up the emotion and walk back onto life. Only now, with a new experience, with a new perspective... I must change the current situation. I know I will be met with challenges, but I must not give up. He will give me strength. probably this is yet another event He has planned, for my maturity, and to bring me closer to Him.

I will try even harder to bring everyone - those whom i love and those who i dont even know - peace, love, joy! the TRUE peace, love and joy, much better than the earthly indulgences. I have faith - that it is already enjoying the peace love and joy...

not waste precious time, but bring my loved ones to this joy - or i really would live to regret!

how to do it, i really dunno.

Try n that is all i can do...

try
try
TRY!!!

at least, if i tried, i wont regret, perhaps just disappointment!

JOY TO THE WORLD!
THE PEACE HAS COME!!
LET US FEEL THE LOVE!!!

you reading this, feel the love too :-P

SIanz

If u all no time pls dun read lahz.... i need to fa xie

today really a stupid day

i really very angry.

today no lesson for everyone, but cos our problem based learning (PBL) tutor had previously shifted our PBL session to today, at CGH, we're the only ones who hav lesson. Alot of them din really felt like gg for the lesson, but they nvr say anything before today.just the usual ramblings of "har no lesson oso muz go" or "CGH so far away" etc Total got 12 ppl.

today's lesson suppose to b 3.30pm. my grp rep sms all at noon to check the attendance (cos the previous time only 3 ppl turned up cos the nxt nxt day got CA). To my horror, only got 3 ppl gg. Me, my grp rep n another one stayin near CGH. k so now the problem of whether to just go or at least inform the doctor of wats happening. So i told my grp rep juz inform the doctor, at least he wont get a shock n at least if possible to postpone to a date when everyone can turn up. I tot this was basic courtesy. u noe wat i mean?

Then grp rep told me it was postponed.

Then nxt i was informed tt the doctor wanted all of us to give a reason y we did not turn up.

nxt, dean's office called the group rep n said we were suppose to see the 2 VICE DEANS on the first day of sch nxt sem, after the CAs.

It barely happened within 3 hrs. That shows the gravity of the situation. The Dean's office had nvr worked with such efficiency.

My fren told me it was sha1 yi1 jing3 bai3.

Now my mama is nagging again. she doesnt understand the situation. she said in chinese "even if the grp rep tell u only got 3 ppl u still turn up! at least the doctor know u the good student." eh turn up n kena marked? kena scolded? turn up when u were told it was postponed by the grp rep, like all previous incidents???

i dunno wat this means, but i noe, if i'm marked for wateva, say specialisations courses or during Viva, i will RETALIATE. if my future is affected, i will RETALIATE. if i ever get a warning letter, i will RETALIATE.

Just wanna be a simple student n graduate to be a good doctor. Hope everything is fine.
I may be fine with anything. But this time i am really angry. How can many of these ppl in my batch be GOOD DOCTORS with their bad attitude n appalling behaviour??? Here i am trying to scrimp and save to see myself thru medical sch but there they are spoiling everything for me.... .... these brats... SPOILT BRATS. how can i ever trust to refer my patients to them???

sianz

wahahhaha

HEyA!

erhmz guess im too lazy to blog hahahaha LONG TIME no blog liaoz.... some more not gg to properly blog now either cos watching STAR AWARDS! haiz actually realised everytime i blog it sounds negative! hahahaha

so must sound positive!!! wahhahahaha erhmz k i haven bathe.... haven studied even ONE SET OF LECTURE NOTES! chamz lah every day so slack... realised microB alr have 20 over lectures n i haven even started ONE!!!! yet still watching TV!!!! cham la really muz push myself ah

today was my grandma's baptism!!! AM HAPPY!!! (but well, mood was dampened by something, shan't mention it here... but its still 3 to 1...) but am STILL HAPPY!!! ate so much food!!!! n PRAISE THE LORD!

heee heee dunno wat else to say liaoz... cos busy glueing my eyes on the black box... eeee xu zhi an cant sing, n another ten yr awardee cant speak sense, but those Taiwan emcees who came to give away the prizes livened up the mood!

lalalalala

walk one step at a time!!!