RaMbLinGs of the UnStEaDy, SlEep DePriVED MiND

Work has been quite interesting thus far. But yet, sometimes it sets me thinking.

Where there are people, there will be politics, there will be interpersonal relationships to handle. For those who know me, hmmm i think deep inside me i really do not know how to handle such things. Or rather i do not like to handle such things. But i guess i just have to learn. Things are no longer as simple in school, where everyone's a student and everyone is just helping everyone, with that occasional gossip just for the fun of it.

I feel like i am learning ballet everyday. I tiptoe everyday, just to make sure i don't step on others' toes. Yet, with such a fat and clumsy ballerina like me, i am unable to keep that tiptoe and land my big fat foot heavily on others' toes. And such things tire me. And realise how important it is to have a friend or fellow colleague in the same shoes to share your thoughts, if not i think i'd become a mad ballerina.

Yes, the ballerina dances best during the solo dance, when she can just leap and fly and split without thinking of stepping on others' toes.

I thought i was used to being the odd one out in Uganda, being the "celebrity" getting all the stares and attention, when every action of yours will be scrutinised. Yet, back here, its the same. Don't like that feeling i guess. But no choice. I don't like to do things or trying to do things just to "show someone that i am capable, i can do stuff". I might have used to be like that when i was still a teen, but nah definitely not now. I just want to do my own stuff. Don't disturb me.

Am i simple or am i too complicated? Sometimes i find myself not knowing how to respond to a certain person/action. I find myself lacking a character. When i just do not know how to behave, i'd just smile in a silly manner. Or rather, i find alot of things funny that people don't find it funny and i can't control myself. All my expressions are on my face. I feel so transparent. But yups, though i can act, i have learnt more and more how to be true to myself and not act. Feel that I have been peeling off that layers and layers of covering over me during these few years.

Take for eg i went to this _____ store to buy drink with my fren. Cos my fren was paying first and i passed him some money for my drink, he wanted to pass me his 5 cents coinS. Ha so u know my usual reaction is.... "huh don't want la. they will definitely give you change then you just pass me the change" in Mandarin. Then this cashier suddenly burst out (in mandarin, towards me): "don't think i don't understand what you are talking about. I can speak chinese, malay, english, tamil" and then to prove it she said things in all the 4 official languages. Ha so you know i was at first like ??? i wasn't even talking to / about you, you're saying this. Then later the first thought that entered my mind was that (cos i was in a psy ward) could she be an escapee fr the ward? then i burst out laughing but tried to control. then she got more pissed. sigh i mean i dun mean to make anybody angry or wat but it just happens. Out of my control, when i try to be the person that i am. Ha many incidents worse / like this la. but yups i don't really care actually, but u know when u're working, things really turn out better if u are able to handle such things. u'd rather have a (N_r _E) fill in the blanks that can help u do ur stuff rather than one who'd even say durin resus "i cant do chest compressions" and just stand there, when everyone else is busy.

Well this week when i fully get involved in the care of my pt, i invested more emotions into it and yes, i end up worse.

all in one day:
1) anaemia workup ---- result: malignant gastric ulcer
2) came for gastroenteritis, +ve salmonella - did chest xray - noticed large lung lesion on upper lobe - had chronic cough, was advised years ago to do surg for lung but defaulted - +ve for Tuberculosis in sputum (more layman term la, so u all can understand) - CT scan shows multiple lesions in lung and liver. Cancer vs TB.
3) Liver nodule for biospy - hepatocellular carcinoma ie liver cancer
my reg was breaking all these bad news all within the same round. of course, he's good, he's experienced. he has done it so many times its impersonal. or rather, he sees the patients once a day during that short less-than-one-hour round he doesn't really know them. it could be the way he put it. After he said it to the patients, they were like: "uh huh..." but i wonder when the message really sets in, how will they feel. there's one that felt like nothing had happened and even loudly said bye and thanked us when he was to be transferred to another ward.

but as he broke the bad news, my heart was breaking...

1) this nice affable old man. always so tolerant to the pokes i make in his arms. always thanking us. just admitted for giddiness, had long term anaemia already, but yet...
2) this guy is mid forties, ONLY CAME IN FOR GE, so healthy and strong, so friendly, yet...
3) well this guy has the lowest pain threshold, always hurling verbal abuses at me and others cos we couldnt get that IV plug in... always... until today... last time i was abit scared cos he'd wail and wail till the whole ward can hear when i poke in that needle. now i just let him... i really dun mind, i wont feel unhappy, i wont take it against him. he has all the reason to do so and i fully understand. so when he was hurling all his !@#$$$%$#@! at me during plug setting (post call mind u) i really just let him and tried to be as gentle. then the cleaner also couldn't stand it and scolded him for me but i just kept quiet, let him continue. i prayed to God, to let me get this plug in once and for all and not add to his pain. I did it. oh well, He did it. i just finished it and left, but while throwing my sharps, i teared. am not sure why... felt adamant about his comments? nope. but definitely thankful for the Lord for helping me in my procedures. felt sad for him? maybe... but i definitely do not want the cleaner to be arguing with the patient... i mean i don't think he deserved to be treated like that, yet the cleaner was doing it for me indirectly.... he is a difficult patient but i mean when someone's potentially terminally ill, u wouldnt really want him to live his remaining days being at odds with all the nurses and ah-ma and cleaners in the ward. i know he makes unfair demands, but should we as HCWs just pay lip service to him? hmmm...

i am not sure why in just half a ward u can have 3 potentially terminally ill patients... all discovered in one day. and its abit overwhelming.

someone made the passing comment that the newsbreaker was like an "angel of death" and they laughed. yes, i couldnt believe it that i actually smiled at that joke. only to realise how wrong i was, how bad i was.. at the next moment. i am guilty for being such an impersonal HCW, just like the rest.

I don't want myself to turn impersonal but yet, at the same time i know, if i put too much emotions, it'd be real draining for me.

but oh wells.... i know i can draw strength from the Lord. When i am weak, He is strong...

post call... as usual cant sleep in broad daylight but yet cant do anything... the call was tiring but ok la i guess.... yet, another politiking thingy... wateva...

Updates...

Coming to the 3rd of the 4 weeks of SIP (student internship programme) part I, at TTSH. Yes, definitely, i've learnt more about being a junior doctor than any time during my previous 4 yrs.

Yet, once again (same as for Uganda), to me, the highlight of these 4 wks is non-medical. I don't deny that being thrown into the wards acting as a house officer has been an immense change, have learnt stuff that i've never learnt before. BUT what has been greater is the spiritual growth that I've been having ever since i started to be able to go to church.

Breath-taking, amazing, awe-ful are just some words that can describe a small proportion of the whole experience. Nowadays, if i don't go church on sundays, there seems to be something missing from me. Due to work commitments, i'd go for saturday service, yet it doesnt feel the same.

Hmmm maybe i shouldn't call it spiritual growth / maturity yet. Cos true maturity is when the your life is transformed. When the character of Jesus manifests in us. So yes, i still do admit my transformation is kinda slow. But the spiritual experience is really amazing.

Sometimes i just have this chong1 dong4 to put down everything on my hands and hide in some corner and just read His word, spend time with Him and fellowshipping with others. Yet, i know, God does want me to pass my exams too. Final year le!

Many things i wanna do, yet little time.

New environment, new excitement, yet always half hearted attempts, especially at fellowshipping. I mean how is it possible to fellowship when once u reach home slightly later u'd b scrutinised and be asked for thousand and one explanations.

But yups, not complaining. cos I'm treasuring every moment that i can spend in church.

God's grace!

And was encouraged by a newfound fren at the sat svc. He's Ga. Ga says after 5 yrs, his parents are finally removing idols at home and more receptive to his faith. Even asked him to pray for his grandma. Encouraged!

One day... one day... i have faith that one day will come! :P

Hmmph just taking a short break from studying about syncope haha. Hope i dun syncope this wk.... night calls on tues & sat!!! well at least its better than JL. Calls on thurs then sat again. And compared to my HO who had like almost 3 calls within 1 wk, im really lucky haha but still....

haha but yups the best medicine post call is actually gg to church! Did tt for my prev 2 calls. Was more refreshed and more awakened!

drawing strength from the Lord! :P

Finding Faith

Some videos on this topic. Hmmm shall talk about my own story later...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnFB0vYeemY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Euwgc-ZggHA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZdM6pGn7rw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9C0BI1MvDs&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUXm-nKR2DY

Just felt like saying: He is amazing!