ThInK AgAiN

A day has just passed...

It was truly uneventful... In a harsher vocabulary, it has been wasted. Just couldn't bring myself to study, though I have lots of grounds to cover. Read abit of jaundice n that was it. Didnt go tuition. Didnt go out. Didnt do anything. Bummed around. Making jelly, making coffee, finding paper, fixing my handphone... all the mundane things that I wont do in my right mind. Well, yes I watched TV too...

Not sure why I just couldn't concentrate... was it cos the rubber band has been overstretched? I really do not have an answer. I did not feel lazy, but I just could not do it. Well yes I think the feeling of bumming around when you have lotsa things to do is really a terrible feeling... Probably a physiological response fr my weird body trying to make myself take a rest. On one side my brain's telling me to shut down itself cos its being overworked, but the other half told me that I was already not fully utilising my brain n if i still did not work it, I would lose all the electrical connections in it.

N now... just as the day is ending... I've come to a sudden realisation as I reflect on my life the past few months or probably even years. I haven been thinking enough. Really... Not using the other side of the brain for too long so much so tt I've forgotten how to think, how to put my thoughts down, how to express myself adequately. Realised I've just been using the most basic vocabulary to communicate with the rest of the world. Realised how dense I have become...

No its not the reading memorising part of me... its the higher mental functions that are not utilised. the emotions, the expressions, the thinking... Have not really been thinking. Reflecting upon my days since i started M2... it has really been a mindless activity. Have wasted one full year just living without thinking. Have really wasted one full year...

The past year has been one without ferreting, one without questions asked, one without active participation. It has been a year lived only by INSTINCT. Why by instinct? cos the mind was not working. the thinking mind was shut down for a year.... N now m really finding hard to reactivate it.

What do I mean by living just purely by instinct? Well... cos I've been doing what I am suppose to do, feeling what I'm suppose to feel n even when relaxing n enjoying, I am doing it cos I have to do it. I am not truly doing the things I have done. Put it simply, everything was done cos it was required by the environment. It was mindless mugging, exams, relax, mugging exams, relax... Just doing what I am suppose to do when the time comes. Doing what my BODY asks me to do, NOT my MIND. Eating when my body needs a better meal, abstaining when my body feels distressed. Even for such a simple thing like eating.... if you ask me wat would i like for lunch, i would say "i dont know"... cos i really dunno... eating for the sake of eating... drinking coffee for the sake of drinking... even when it comes to things like eating meat balls... well, the "craving" for meatballs arise only cos I have not eaten meatball for a long time... not cos I want to eat meatballs...

Dunno... even now I dun even know how I want to put my thoughts across....

Even in my relationship with God, it seems, have not improved over the past year. It seems that I do not even have time to think, integrate, remember and apply all the things I have read. It has almost become a set algorithm: read, remember, follow. Nothing really goes through the substance in between the ears. Which is bad.... N i really want to change that...

Probably He has put this day in to jolt me back to where I started... so that I will not continue to slide down the slippery slope.

ROBOTIC is the only apt word I can use to describe myself now. Using lots of the body, but using nothing up there. Yes like the robot... programmed to feel happy when I am suppose to... programmed to feel when I dun even know if I am feeling or not.

Yes but at least, there's one thing that was not lost... the joy, the feeling of being overwhelmed in His presence; the euphoria, being moved, when I sing praises of Him...

i better start THINKING AGAIN...

it's time.

FeeLiNg TiReD

haiz... wanted to blog muchmuch but felt very tired after today's episode... i was pissed but i just couldnt bring myself to get angry in front of others...cos they are my good frens... but dunno y... i really wanted to burst out scolding...last time i wont actually mind, but... well but i didnt scold anyone in the end...

too lazy to describe the details....

come to tink of it i nvr really flared up in front of others haha... but i tink tt's really unhealthy...

hmmm just tired.... waiting for hair to dry... den go slp le... tml's surg starting... dun feel ready though... or perhaps im nvr ready... prob cos i've gotta give tuition aft lesson... which is like so tiring cos i gotta go home late again.... hai...prob tt's y i felt like flaring up... cos i hate ppl to postpone things last min... n today both my tutee n frens tried to postpone the tuition n meeting, so much so tt i had to cancel my tuition... tired ne

yupz haha will blog when im in better moods...