StoNeD, StUnNed, or What???

There is no excuse. I am simply too appalled at my own behaviour. I could not believe what happened.

Was walking home from celebrating yet another 21st birthday (utterly tired actually, but this is not an excuse), at the zebra crossing, there was a man pushing a wheelchair (of cos with another man sitting on it) and just before they crossed the road, the front wheel brokedown (phew luckily it was not on the road).

here's it

i wanted to help, but the appalling thing was, i DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO!!!!! I just stoned there. I just stood there, wanting to help, but didnt noe how. Many tots ran thru... there was only an intention formulated by the cortex saying "help help help" but there was NO INSTRUCTION saying, "go do this, go do that." i dunno why, it just didnt come. He had difficulty pushing the wheelchair n until now i still dunno wat i shld hav done. The wheelchair was spoilt. but i didnt noe how to deal with a spoilt wheelchair with a person sitting on it.... Is all the mugging making me STUPID????? wat a joke. I took medicine up to HELP ppl. YET, halfway through, after 2 years of studying, i realise i have lost the ability to help. It is the greatest joke of the century. Think u'd hav been shocked if u saw my reaction. Cos i really juz stoned there. I AM UTTERLY ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

i only managed a meek (in chinese) "the front wheel is spoilt" den the person continued desperately trying to push the wheelchair. but its obvious it was not budging n i really didnt noe how to react. cos even if i push it cant move. but i just could not leave them there. So i just stood beside the person.

Also, many thoughts ran thru my mind. "Should I carry the chair? Should I help to push? Should I try to fix the wheel?" etc etc in my mind all in tt few seconds. I was confused. I wanted to help, but couldnt articulate. I think I AM DUMB.

Then, the person on the wheelchair tried to stand up. It dawned upon me suddenly tt he wasn't fully paralysed. but then, he was having difficulty standing up, cos he was trying to push himself up, one hand on the wheelchair handle, another on tt kinda metal walker that support both hands... again i didnt noe how to react... "how do i hold him? if i hold one hand i might push him or he might lose his grip on the stable wheelchair/walker... Is he trying to stand up? Is he trying to adjust? wat does he want to do? does he want to cross the road without the wheelchair?"

in the end he tried to walk across, both hands on the walker (phew, he managed to stand up without falling) den his fren ask him to sit back down on the broken wheelchair.... i was utterly confused, unable to comprehend all these tt happened within 30seconds. tink i am too stupid, reaction too slow... all i could do was put a hand up to try to signal to the car to wait.... THAT WAS ALL I DID. wow how constructive... goodness....

am i really stupid? maimed n paralysed n trapped by all the mugging? n i seem to b mugging wrongly too.... am i to be a regurgitating (albeit erroneous, cos i really cant remember many many things) stone that is incapable of even churning out algorithms like a computer???

hard to accept, but i really cant believe myself even. I was so ashamed, n i really needed to call someone to talk to.... but i could think of no one.... another sudden realisation.... tink i m just a breathing piece of rock, faceless, mindless, motionless, standing alone facing an ultimate stupidity that even computers can solve via their programming. Yet, me, a so called medical student... could do nothing...

At tt point of time after i crossed the road, i was stunned n terribly ashamed... dunno y.... i knew i just could not leave them there like that and had to help but yet i uselessly stood beside them.

i cant really explain wats happening to me. inhibition? stupidity? fatigue? typical sporean attitude? sianed?

but these are simply not excuses...
i dun tink i can forgive myself...

n dun tink i can ever finish mugging... at a rate of 3 lectures / day.... tink i m really stupid... sth is wrong with my brain...

God, please save this stone here...

hai...