Musings

Random post, referring to myriad of things that happened. So pardon for the jump in thoughts… Each paragraph is but one point of reflection ha. Might/might not have links with the other paragraphs!

I realised its only when its post call do I really sit down and reflect. It is only now do I "pen" it down.

Today, I regretted my own thoughts, my own actions. Its not that I did something outrageous, but it is censured by my own conscience. Rather, the Lord. I realised, while this may not often happen, but there exists a substantial number of people, who are difficult, for a reason. However, we often are just put off by these "difficult" moments, these little snippets of inconveniences which throw us out of our routine that we fail to notice the reasons. I am guilty of that, and for that matter, when I realised the impact of it, it was too late. Had I realised, had I took a moment to think with my heart, I would not have done things like this. I would not have labelled them "difficult" in my heart. I would not have the "if you do not want anything, of course there is nothing I can do and what do you still expect from us".

I so wanted to pray for her, but under those circumstances, I could only mutter something below my breath. I mean when all eyes are scrutinising what you are doing, and any major action that you undertake will potentially bring you down, though it is done out of kindness or concern in your heart. It is not with the subject that you will be helping, but rather the onlookers that are difficult to pacify. You know that who you're reaching out will be appreciative of your efforts, but you do not reach out that hand for fear of the numerous pairs of eyes looking at you. Yes, I do agree this is nothing new. It is an age old argument - tongues will wag. Yet, I am always torn between this "reaching out" and "behaving properly as the society deems appropriate". I know what the society deems correct is never the gold standard. Yet like the turtle, I find it really tough too climb out of that shell. Lord, I need strength to break that shell and crawl out of the comfort zone... Torn between professionalism and what you think is right.

If only I talked to them, things might have been different. I could feel the Holy Spirit nudging me to do something, especially when the words "Rosh Hashana " and " Yom Kippur (day of atonement)" sprung out suddenly. I had the "familiarity" advantage, but I froze in my steps for fear. I should be more afraid that I'm not listening to Him than fitting into the world, but inadvertently, the reverse happened. And my, those words reminded me of my devotion which has dissolved in the face of daily life, how resolutions which I made faded so easily. Aargh! Am disgusted with myself.

Handling the inevitable. I guess one of the reasons I labelled them difficult was that I could not come to terms with this idea they put forth. Probably it was due to my training, or it can be that I could not stand their contradictory statements. Perhaps in situations like this it is always tough to be consistent in your thinking. They were torn between what they wanted and what they felt was best for their loved one. But they've shown me how one handles the big D that haunts everyone. Yes, I know I have victory over that big D, yet when others face it, I do not know how to handle it. I can only leave the big D into His hands. At least, this was not the idea of "comfort measures" that I had. And for a moment I fully experienced what is meant by watching helplessly. It stings most terribly not because you have exhausted your means, but rather you have yet to exhaust your means yet your hands are like tied and you can't do anything.

It seems, as one ages, our outlook towards life change. I am really not sure how she would have wanted things to happen. I keep on getting the feeling that the family were putting their ideas onto her, who was helpless and nearly unarousable. But well, I can’t change their minds. Perhaps this weird feeling it’s just a way that I use to “vent” – as almost all who’re on my list are palliative because the family or person involved chose it.
To cure sometimes, to relieve often, to comfort always. But my idea of comfort has been whacked upside down. Perhaps I’ve not really truly encountered these situations outside the textbook so when I’m faced with it, I need a bit more time for adjustment. Once again, textbook comes alive.

By right the week had been a relaxing week. Non-taxing. Am really not sure why I’m having all these musings.

The mouth. I prayed for Him to reveal the spiritual roots to the affliction. I realized that the mouth is a dangerous tool. And I’ve been using it very much in the wrong way most of the time. Well, at least I didn’t want to blog about this but cannot remember the original context in which I put down the point “the mouth”. So I’m blogging more on the affliction than anything.

This then brings me to the point that I do not seem to write in detail the day’s events. Like a diary. I know if I do not write down in detail events, I will forget the context which I write all these reflections (on my blog). Yet, this is still a public domain, how can I not spare the details? Yet, I am too lazy to re-write them on a so called diary. One of the reasons why blogging has been much more successful that keeping a diary: I prefer typing to writing anytime. (Ha, I cannot imagine if I did not learn to type when I was younger) It is times like this that I can only lament the lost of great details of my liife.

I am back to the "I need time for myself" feeling. So I headed down for my own share of comfort measures today but no didn't get that perfect fix that I wanted. It was still a relaxing afternoon. Ha simple pleasures in life... Felt a little rejuvenated after everything. Classic examplf of the fact that TV does not give you rest. It is spending time with yourself and doing things you truly enjoy that gives you the rest. But well, I am really not sure why I can still be glued to that box all the time. Probably an escape mechanism.

All in all I hope I don't regret that so called sacrifice I've made. Both are once in a lifetime things. Well but then again, many things happen only for that one transient time.

Oh my, its back to that newsbreaking thing again. Still cannot bear to bring myself to break the news. Pray more about it.

Have more to write, but times up! :P brb