Just blogging something that struck me these few days.
There i was, crushing the fish fillet into smaller pieces. For easy chewing and eating. I put it in her spoon, together with some vegetables. Instantly, flashback. Some 18 years ago, i swallowed a fishbone. Did not manage to get it out. Flush it down with water, vegetables or rice, as my parents would say (erhm, now as i've learnt more things, well this is definitely NOT advisable if u accidentally swallow a fishbone). I did. Yet the fear of fish persisted. The next day lunchtime, there i was, staring at the piece of fish and dared not pick it up. For fear of another fishbone. Yet, she patiently crushed the piece of "mai yau" fish (canto) and tried to see and pick out any bone. (yes, even though that type of fish, according to her knowledge, had really really no bones) Then she would encourage me to eat. Bit by bit, slowly, i picked up the pieces and put them in my mouth. Just like what she was doing now. Do not remember much of those days when I was young, just the few precious memories.
Yet, now I looked at her, I am reminded of the sad fact that while I have grown and become more independent and more involved in my own affairs, she has also grown... old. Compared to 18 years ago, she have really aged. No longer is she as nimble, no longer is she as able to pick out bones. No longer she is chewing as well as she did. No longer... ... How long have I not taken her hand and hold it tight. Week after week I visit her, yet she seemed so distant. The visits didnt add on to anything. I can't help but imagine what she has been doing all these while. It seems that I have missed out so much time together with her. Those countless of hours which I have spent outside, working, which I have completed many projects, write ups, tutorials, lectures. What was she doing all this while, while I was in school? Sleeping, watching TV, reading newspaper etc? Well, I would never know what I have missed. Those peaceful quiet times I could have spent holding her hands, speaking to her, talking to her.
And it is really sad. She has many children. All of whom visits her. Yet, they talk among themselves, they talk about her. But who really speaks to her heart? Previously they could have. Now they can't. Whatever you speak, you will have to speak it again. And again.
I am afraid, really afraid. That I might not have much chance to do so. That I might not have time to spend with her. That I might miss out so much of her life. I wonder how different things would be when i return 2 months later. While I am out there trying to experience a new way of life, she is still here, gradually withering away... It has long been since she has had the perfect memory. Now she seems to be even more confused... I don't seem to be able to speak to her heart. The person in her... locked? Life, has reduced... to a point that seemed only mechanical... No intellect, no thoughts to think about. Perhaps the once complex brain is disintegrating to the point of just having spinal reflexes. Message in. Connection. Message out. No retention. Same message in, same message out. Probably a short circuit.
I prayed. I held her hands and prayed...
I went down to this place today. As usual, me in a business like tone. Just wanted to get what I need and leave. Just give a bit of intro and that's it. Then... nearing the end of it all, she said, "Win more souls for Christ!" I felt electrocuted. It just struck me. Ever so hard.
He has done so much for me. It's time I offer myself up to Him.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
HaaaChooooo! Quack Quack! HaaaChooooo!
Yes.
A pastor had a revelation from God, that a virus which had appeared sporadically all over the world in 1988 will return with a greater force in 2008. That virus is bird flu...
Hmmm. Well yes, over the past few years, we have had been seeing a few cases dying cos of Bird Flu.
Today, HK. First case.
Tomorrow? Nobody knows. But we have to be prepared, for another outbreak worse than SARS. Not only medically, but spiritually. For Him to protect and raise our nation. That when the flood comes, we will be able to stay on top and not be drowned.
Just keep our focus on Him.
A pastor had a revelation from God, that a virus which had appeared sporadically all over the world in 1988 will return with a greater force in 2008. That virus is bird flu...
Hmmm. Well yes, over the past few years, we have had been seeing a few cases dying cos of Bird Flu.
Today, HK. First case.
Tomorrow? Nobody knows. But we have to be prepared, for another outbreak worse than SARS. Not only medically, but spiritually. For Him to protect and raise our nation. That when the flood comes, we will be able to stay on top and not be drowned.
Just keep our focus on Him.
Star Bloggers? You ought to reflect!
Hmmm, didn't really feel like blogging, but an article i read on MY paper (Singapore's only bilingual paper) made me feel really uncomfortable... It was the commentary made by Jamie Yeo on the recent NUS survey (hmph I havent heard anything about this at all before this la!) that 64% of students have intercourse at least once a week, the most preferred places were hostels and toilets. (most of the students taking part in the survey were NUS Arts students)
K yes, of course I'd be shocked over the results of the survey. And what made it worse are jamie yeo's comments on it. (n yes, this is the first time I went on Stomp to find out what this website is all about.) Read at: http://starblog.stomp.com.sg/post.php?blogid=740
Firstly, don't we see that itself as a big problem? How many of these people are married? I don't think they are. Sex in itself is a sacred event. It is God's gift to humans. Even if you do not look at it from the Christian's perspective, don't you think it is a sacred event? It is when you give yourself wholly and fully to someone you truly love and will spend your life with. It is such a personal thing between 2 persons that when any other person is involved, the essence, the feeling and the whole enjoyment even will be different, cos the word "love" isn't even in the picture. It is "lust". This is so personal that I cannot even draw an accurate analogy to it. The closest I have would be this: Would you ever ever wear a stranger's WORN underwear??? Don't think you'd wear it even if its your loved ones. Yes, it's that personal! perhaps this analogy might sound weird, but the point i'm trying to make is that how can one be so flippant over such matters? It's giving of your body to another person! So you just give it to anyone? and you give it almost every week?
Secondly, the medical point of view - yups guess you all know. Shan't speak further
Thirdly. Jamie Yeo. (and the rest of the bloggers) She should know that her views are read by many others. It's even on the newspapers. Many other youngsters out there who are still not sure of what love is. She blames the bad press, the media, propagating this message of casual sex. Then what is she doing as a star blogger? She's propagating it too! She even gives examples of her own personal experience, of sleeping with lecturer for good grades, etc. She ends off with a quote taken from the bible: "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone", trying to say that we should not and do not have to judge others, for we are all full of sin. Yes. But Jesus ended the whole story with "Go and sin no more." So indeed we are in no position to judge, but should you, ENCOURAGE people to continue in sin?
Yes, why am I so worked up over this? We have seen all the worst ever on the newspapers - Edison Chen saga etc etc etc. Since it is really nothing new. Yet, I am concerned for our society as a whole. Are we, progressing to a point of no return? The young and the educated. The meaning of presenting your body as a gift to your future spouse to show your love for him/her. You don't even need a degree to understand all these. Yet, people just don't seem to understand.
And from the Christian's point of view. Are we as a society heading towards sin so much, like the city of Sodom? Then we are heading for destruction...
Perhaps I am not good with words, dunno how i can fully put forth my thoughts, but I am really really bothered by this.
God is weeping. We are hurting Him too much. I am saddened.
K yes, of course I'd be shocked over the results of the survey. And what made it worse are jamie yeo's comments on it. (n yes, this is the first time I went on Stomp to find out what this website is all about.) Read at: http://starblog.stomp.com.sg/post.php?blogid=740
Firstly, don't we see that itself as a big problem? How many of these people are married? I don't think they are. Sex in itself is a sacred event. It is God's gift to humans. Even if you do not look at it from the Christian's perspective, don't you think it is a sacred event? It is when you give yourself wholly and fully to someone you truly love and will spend your life with. It is such a personal thing between 2 persons that when any other person is involved, the essence, the feeling and the whole enjoyment even will be different, cos the word "love" isn't even in the picture. It is "lust". This is so personal that I cannot even draw an accurate analogy to it. The closest I have would be this: Would you ever ever wear a stranger's WORN underwear??? Don't think you'd wear it even if its your loved ones. Yes, it's that personal! perhaps this analogy might sound weird, but the point i'm trying to make is that how can one be so flippant over such matters? It's giving of your body to another person! So you just give it to anyone? and you give it almost every week?
Secondly, the medical point of view - yups guess you all know. Shan't speak further
Thirdly. Jamie Yeo. (and the rest of the bloggers) She should know that her views are read by many others. It's even on the newspapers. Many other youngsters out there who are still not sure of what love is. She blames the bad press, the media, propagating this message of casual sex. Then what is she doing as a star blogger? She's propagating it too! She even gives examples of her own personal experience, of sleeping with lecturer for good grades, etc. She ends off with a quote taken from the bible: "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone", trying to say that we should not and do not have to judge others, for we are all full of sin. Yes. But Jesus ended the whole story with "Go and sin no more." So indeed we are in no position to judge, but should you, ENCOURAGE people to continue in sin?
Yes, why am I so worked up over this? We have seen all the worst ever on the newspapers - Edison Chen saga etc etc etc. Since it is really nothing new. Yet, I am concerned for our society as a whole. Are we, progressing to a point of no return? The young and the educated. The meaning of presenting your body as a gift to your future spouse to show your love for him/her. You don't even need a degree to understand all these. Yet, people just don't seem to understand.
And from the Christian's point of view. Are we as a society heading towards sin so much, like the city of Sodom? Then we are heading for destruction...
Perhaps I am not good with words, dunno how i can fully put forth my thoughts, but I am really really bothered by this.
God is weeping. We are hurting Him too much. I am saddened.
Monday, March 10, 2008
What Major is Right for You??
Take this quiz at: http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=35647N
Ha did this quiz when I'm just starting to do data analysis for my project and am already put off... so yes, might have been quite biased. haha anw these are my results. Pretty accurate. haha mabbe cos i'm already in this med mindset and the questions are so predictable of the "major" they're asking of. haha but oh well, just feeling wu liao and putting off doing the data!!!!
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haha so yups, perhaps i should try to pull up my political science score? hmmm but i'm really not tt interested...
anw off the bathing n START data analysis!
Ha did this quiz when I'm just starting to do data analysis for my project and am already put off... so yes, might have been quite biased. haha anw these are my results. Pretty accurate. haha mabbe cos i'm already in this med mindset and the questions are so predictable of the "major" they're asking of. haha but oh well, just feeling wu liao and putting off doing the data!!!!
___________________________________________________________________
| WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| You scored as a Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| You should strongly consider majoring in Nursing, Athletic Training, or related majors (e.g., Chiropractics, Nutrition/Dietetics, Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy, Radiologic Technology, Rehabilitation Services, Respiratory Therapy). It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it. Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
haha so yups, perhaps i should try to pull up my political science score? hmmm but i'm really not tt interested...
anw off the bathing n START data analysis!
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Looking Back
Was looking back at the previous posts. Well yup I know I've morphed, yet I am still surprised. Last time the worries seem, all but so trivial. I used to.. be making a mountain out of a molehill.
Everyone grows. Yet not everyone grows spiritually.
I know I have changed alot. Just that the outside is still not shiny. Shall work on that.
But I know it is not by my own effort.
Go away lethargy!
Night.
Everyone grows. Yet not everyone grows spiritually.
I know I have changed alot. Just that the outside is still not shiny. Shall work on that.
But I know it is not by my own effort.
Go away lethargy!
Night.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
It doesn't matter. It does?
Read my fren's blog. 2 frens actually. Just a thought.
It does not really matter any more. Really.
The cares of the world.
That was what I thought last time.
When you're really tired of the world, you just want to run back and hide under the wings of Papa God.
When I felt like breaking down, when I felt like I could carry on no longer, I run to Him.
How Don Moen's song "Hiding Place" touched my heart then:
"You're my hiding place. I run to you. I need Your mercy and grace. To see me through. So I'll run to You. You are my strength O God. You will uphold me. You are my shield O God. You will protect me. I'll run to You."
That was what I thought LAST TIME. Not anymore.
Yes, in times of weakness, we should seek Him. But the fact that we are able to have Someone to run to is our privilege. What about those who does not have anyone to run to, for they have not been redeemed? Who can they turn to then?
So when we're out of our weakness, remember the Grace He has shown.
We are called to be His light. We are to be a reflection of His light. So how can we give up and just think about running back into His wings? Draw strength from Him and move on, to help others in greater need, pray for grace to be upon them.
The oft quoted phrase from Spiderman: With great powers come great responsibility. True to a great deal!
It does not really matter any more. Really.
The cares of the world.
That was what I thought last time.
When you're really tired of the world, you just want to run back and hide under the wings of Papa God.
When I felt like breaking down, when I felt like I could carry on no longer, I run to Him.
How Don Moen's song "Hiding Place" touched my heart then:
"You're my hiding place. I run to you. I need Your mercy and grace. To see me through. So I'll run to You. You are my strength O God. You will uphold me. You are my shield O God. You will protect me. I'll run to You."
That was what I thought LAST TIME. Not anymore.
Yes, in times of weakness, we should seek Him. But the fact that we are able to have Someone to run to is our privilege. What about those who does not have anyone to run to, for they have not been redeemed? Who can they turn to then?
So when we're out of our weakness, remember the Grace He has shown.
We are called to be His light. We are to be a reflection of His light. So how can we give up and just think about running back into His wings? Draw strength from Him and move on, to help others in greater need, pray for grace to be upon them.
The oft quoted phrase from Spiderman: With great powers come great responsibility. True to a great deal!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Love
Yes.
This is the word which fills each and every day of my life.
I'm loving every moment, relishing it, basking in it.
I am so glad I amredeemed.
His Love makes me breathless.
Every day of my life, no matter how tiring it seems, is full of joy.
Confident of His Love, I press on.
Love God so much, that I just love to sit there and enjoy His presence.
Yet, the more breath taking truth: while my love can change, He loves me much more and His Love never change.
No.
Have heard people saying that the Bible itself is full of contradictions.
Hmmm that is not a new thing.
The Bible has been under attack for centuries, yet it prevails.
If you trust that I have that little bit of intellect, then probably you can trust me on this.
I once thought that the Bible is full of contradictions too, but I overcame the intellectual barrier.
For the Bible is not full of contradictions. In fact, it is logical and true - historical, literary, etc proofs have all shown that the Bible can stand any test. For it is the word of God.
If you're really bothered by this, just email me or leave a comment, I'd be glad to take time off to address any doubts anyone has! :P
Hmmm yes.
i don't usually blog about my day, seldom update my happenings.
Just my thoughts.
And yups as you can see, my thoughts are full of God! Haha quoting the favourite MacDonald's phrase "I'm loving it."
kk gotta mug. took too much time off!
This is the word which fills each and every day of my life.
I'm loving every moment, relishing it, basking in it.
I am so glad I amredeemed.
His Love makes me breathless.
Every day of my life, no matter how tiring it seems, is full of joy.
Confident of His Love, I press on.
Love God so much, that I just love to sit there and enjoy His presence.
Yet, the more breath taking truth: while my love can change, He loves me much more and His Love never change.
No.
Have heard people saying that the Bible itself is full of contradictions.
Hmmm that is not a new thing.
The Bible has been under attack for centuries, yet it prevails.
If you trust that I have that little bit of intellect, then probably you can trust me on this.
I once thought that the Bible is full of contradictions too, but I overcame the intellectual barrier.
For the Bible is not full of contradictions. In fact, it is logical and true - historical, literary, etc proofs have all shown that the Bible can stand any test. For it is the word of God.
If you're really bothered by this, just email me or leave a comment, I'd be glad to take time off to address any doubts anyone has! :P
Hmmm yes.
i don't usually blog about my day, seldom update my happenings.
Just my thoughts.
And yups as you can see, my thoughts are full of God! Haha quoting the favourite MacDonald's phrase "I'm loving it."
kk gotta mug. took too much time off!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Random Note
Am encouraged at what He is doing in others' lives. Just received an email from my good friend. And I am absolutely amazed at God! He is touching many out there, transforming lives. I am greatly encouraged!
Yet, as I look around me, there are still many who has yet to know God. But I have the confidence, that He will work in them as how He has worked in my friend's life. For He loves us so much, that He will not forsake us. He loves us so much that even though He knows that some will turn away from Him in future, He still wants to try to bring us into His presence.
As for me. Peace is prevailing in me now. Was previously quite at a loss. Though now I am still at a loss, I have peace in Him. "mulling" was the word, yet now it isn't. Though nothing has been confirmed yet, but I am in perfect confidence of Him. He will show us where He wants us to be. Be filled with righteousness and a pure heart and He will reveal to us His plan for us.
May the love of God manifest in all of us!
Ha dunno what else I should write. Just know that my mind is full of Him, my Lord. And I am enjoying this!
Yet, as I look around me, there are still many who has yet to know God. But I have the confidence, that He will work in them as how He has worked in my friend's life. For He loves us so much, that He will not forsake us. He loves us so much that even though He knows that some will turn away from Him in future, He still wants to try to bring us into His presence.
As for me. Peace is prevailing in me now. Was previously quite at a loss. Though now I am still at a loss, I have peace in Him. "mulling" was the word, yet now it isn't. Though nothing has been confirmed yet, but I am in perfect confidence of Him. He will show us where He wants us to be. Be filled with righteousness and a pure heart and He will reveal to us His plan for us.
May the love of God manifest in all of us!
Ha dunno what else I should write. Just know that my mind is full of Him, my Lord. And I am enjoying this!
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Wahahaha 6 months!
ha tempted to wait till 5th of feb to make it a whole 6 mths. but yups since im online and dun feel like packing stuff, i'd just blog!
these 6 mths... long ride! but i can only say the most amazing thing in my life that happened is still spiritual growth! That is the most precious and valuable to me! God!
Life is so interesting! Many ups and downs - the cycle just continues. However, only God is constant and it is Him who carries me through! Even though now im still at the crossroads in some aspects of my life, I am confident and not exactly worried about what lies ahead, for I know He will lead me. I just have to obey, absolute obedience!
many have asked why did i choose the word ferret. well as you know ferret (noun) = a type of animal, but also means "an assiduous search". Set up this blog when I was still backsliding, when I was still searching for the truth. Yet, now that I have found it, it is still an endless search for God. There are new things to be learnt, there are more truths to be discovered!
hmmm well, shall think about what to write first... meanwhile, will just post mini blog notes which i write in my hp whenever i feel like it. Ha!
05 06 2007
Have not talked so much to so many people in a long while… Have not watched such an early movie for a long while… Have not experienced early morning jog on a weekday until today… I’m truly enjoying myself…Life is so much more interesting when you’re not forcing facts into you head… Maybe one should meet up with his friends during our break every year… Mundane things seem so much more precious now. And yes having the time to walk with the Lord quietly is a blessing!
07 06 2007
Used to think 1 hour is so short… Run for half an hour, after all the cooling down it’d be gone. Mug less than a chapter. Clerk maybe 2 patients. A TV serial. Dinner time plus some TV. But today, in 1 hour I’ve collected my printer, brought it home, tested, tried to get a cat to respond and when I finally arrived at the same bench at the MRT station, I looked up… Exactly 1 hour. Wow. Maybe it’s the way we do things… But yet if every hour was as stressed as this, we probably won’t have many hours left…
08 06 2007
Not sure why, but I seem to be able to connect to the more grassroots people… Probably that’s cos where I grew up. However, I really think I’m more quiet and don’t really know how to express myself. Yes the word is shy. N I do not open up easily,,, Though I look very much extroverted but in fact I’m really quite an introvert. Yup and I think I have the Singaporean syndrome… Keep quiet and more stoic, unless I’m really offended. It’s kinda weird cos on one hand I’m extro, like to do outdoor stuff but when it comes to starting conversation and knowing new friends I’m rather shy, if left on my own. I fare much better when there’s someone to company… just some random tots…
17 08 2007
Marching phenomenon at outram park NEL vs EWL. No one talks! Only footsteps in unison!
Shuttle bus to KK from Bugis. By word of mouth I got to know about it, but word of mouth I confirmed its existence – from the MRT staff. There was no sign no nothing at the bus stop, only a queue. And I joined the queue with no questions asked. Interesting how Singaporeans behave, me included ha. And the queue just kept on growing… In silence.
31 08 2007
I saw the same shirt twice worn by different persons, at different places. It says ‘I Love Life’. Sets me thinking. Guess it’s a privilege to be able to love life. How can you love life if you’re born with cerebral palsy, premature with multiple organ failure and so on. When you are hooked on machines for life or just lie ties plainly moving involuntarily with no inkling of what’s happening around you cos your brain hasn’t a chance to develop? N you get
03 11 2007
Today… I saw how unlimited maternal love seemed. She’d be a good example to be on an ad regarding the joy of motherhood. On the MRT she was carrying one infant and playing with her. When her older child showed signs of wanting attention (pulling on tt arm which was ‘entertaining’ his sibling) and tiredness, she carried her baby higher, to make space on her lap for the older child to lie on. Joy was written all over her face. Nothing seemed to daunt her. Nothing tt her children does. Entertainer of her children. Energetic! Motherly love and happiness simply exude. One word: respect.
And give it a thought - this motherly love which seems boundless - why can’t we apply this love, to people around us? Love is the only thing that knows no boundaries. And it can be done. So why not? And how much more is God’s love for us? The boundless love which God promised, is true!
18 11 2007
I actually miss the weekly tuition sessions… Actually mis my tutee. Hmm didn’t say much to him on the last session, but yup sincerely hope the best for him.
22 12 2007
What does ‘family’ mean to u? It is some place where there is love, where you are valued, where you grew up. However, it is this ‘family’ that seems so different from ‘the rest of your friends’. And we tend to neglect that fact.
They are the people most dear to you, but yet it is most difficult to talk to them about things close to heart, especially when you’re on opposite ends of the word ‘religion’. You know them too well, you know how they’re like and you know further probing will turn the tables and the door is shut. So how do you every try, how do you ever start? Especially in the Chinese culture where ur elders are always right and not to be questioned or doubted. Your credibility is zero when facing them. And they too don’t question what they’ve done, for years. Some things that seem so obvious. Yes, I only know that the human effort is limited in our trying. Only grace will change anything and everything. Grace be upon my family, I pray.
13 01 2008
Presence of God. Was overwhelmed at the Heidi Baker conference. I just know that I have to go forth and live for Him, and be a testimony of His Love! And yes, in Africa many people are poor and they know it. Yet in Singapore, many people are spiritually poor, yet they do not know it. It really saddens me for when I turn around and look at the people around me, so many of them still do not know God, still do not know the truth. It is my responsibility to go forth and show them who God is, what He does.
24 01 2008
My tutee got back his O levels. I felt really very happy for him. In fact I never knew that I could derive such satisfaction from teaching. He did not do exactly very well overall. It was his standard. However, of all his subjects, he scored highest in those 3 subjects which I taught. He got grades which I never dreamt he’d get, albeit not the best score possible. And I was really happy for him. Yet, he did poorly for those subjects which I did not teach. So yups, not sure if I could be entirely happy about it.
but yups, definitely feel a sense of satisfaction.
28 01 2008
Ha so shi bai staring at someone yet when he saw me had to look away ha. Cos he was putting on his contact lenses in the MRT! wow! so super! if it was me, I would have dropped it or shove it into the back of my eye.
these 6 mths... long ride! but i can only say the most amazing thing in my life that happened is still spiritual growth! That is the most precious and valuable to me! God!
Life is so interesting! Many ups and downs - the cycle just continues. However, only God is constant and it is Him who carries me through! Even though now im still at the crossroads in some aspects of my life, I am confident and not exactly worried about what lies ahead, for I know He will lead me. I just have to obey, absolute obedience!
many have asked why did i choose the word ferret. well as you know ferret (noun) = a type of animal, but also means "an assiduous search". Set up this blog when I was still backsliding, when I was still searching for the truth. Yet, now that I have found it, it is still an endless search for God. There are new things to be learnt, there are more truths to be discovered!
hmmm well, shall think about what to write first... meanwhile, will just post mini blog notes which i write in my hp whenever i feel like it. Ha!
05 06 2007
Have not talked so much to so many people in a long while… Have not watched such an early movie for a long while… Have not experienced early morning jog on a weekday until today… I’m truly enjoying myself…Life is so much more interesting when you’re not forcing facts into you head… Maybe one should meet up with his friends during our break every year… Mundane things seem so much more precious now. And yes having the time to walk with the Lord quietly is a blessing!
07 06 2007
Used to think 1 hour is so short… Run for half an hour, after all the cooling down it’d be gone. Mug less than a chapter. Clerk maybe 2 patients. A TV serial. Dinner time plus some TV. But today, in 1 hour I’ve collected my printer, brought it home, tested, tried to get a cat to respond and when I finally arrived at the same bench at the MRT station, I looked up… Exactly 1 hour. Wow. Maybe it’s the way we do things… But yet if every hour was as stressed as this, we probably won’t have many hours left…
08 06 2007
Not sure why, but I seem to be able to connect to the more grassroots people… Probably that’s cos where I grew up. However, I really think I’m more quiet and don’t really know how to express myself. Yes the word is shy. N I do not open up easily,,, Though I look very much extroverted but in fact I’m really quite an introvert. Yup and I think I have the Singaporean syndrome… Keep quiet and more stoic, unless I’m really offended. It’s kinda weird cos on one hand I’m extro, like to do outdoor stuff but when it comes to starting conversation and knowing new friends I’m rather shy, if left on my own. I fare much better when there’s someone to company… just some random tots…
17 08 2007
Marching phenomenon at outram park NEL vs EWL. No one talks! Only footsteps in unison!
Shuttle bus to KK from Bugis. By word of mouth I got to know about it, but word of mouth I confirmed its existence – from the MRT staff. There was no sign no nothing at the bus stop, only a queue. And I joined the queue with no questions asked. Interesting how Singaporeans behave, me included ha. And the queue just kept on growing… In silence.
31 08 2007
I saw the same shirt twice worn by different persons, at different places. It says ‘I Love Life’. Sets me thinking. Guess it’s a privilege to be able to love life. How can you love life if you’re born with cerebral palsy, premature with multiple organ failure and so on. When you are hooked on machines for life or just lie ties plainly moving involuntarily with no inkling of what’s happening around you cos your brain hasn’t a chance to develop? N you get
03 11 2007
Today… I saw how unlimited maternal love seemed. She’d be a good example to be on an ad regarding the joy of motherhood. On the MRT she was carrying one infant and playing with her. When her older child showed signs of wanting attention (pulling on tt arm which was ‘entertaining’ his sibling) and tiredness, she carried her baby higher, to make space on her lap for the older child to lie on. Joy was written all over her face. Nothing seemed to daunt her. Nothing tt her children does. Entertainer of her children. Energetic! Motherly love and happiness simply exude. One word: respect.
And give it a thought - this motherly love which seems boundless - why can’t we apply this love, to people around us? Love is the only thing that knows no boundaries. And it can be done. So why not? And how much more is God’s love for us? The boundless love which God promised, is true!
18 11 2007
I actually miss the weekly tuition sessions… Actually mis my tutee. Hmm didn’t say much to him on the last session, but yup sincerely hope the best for him.
22 12 2007
What does ‘family’ mean to u? It is some place where there is love, where you are valued, where you grew up. However, it is this ‘family’ that seems so different from ‘the rest of your friends’. And we tend to neglect that fact.
They are the people most dear to you, but yet it is most difficult to talk to them about things close to heart, especially when you’re on opposite ends of the word ‘religion’. You know them too well, you know how they’re like and you know further probing will turn the tables and the door is shut. So how do you every try, how do you ever start? Especially in the Chinese culture where ur elders are always right and not to be questioned or doubted. Your credibility is zero when facing them. And they too don’t question what they’ve done, for years. Some things that seem so obvious. Yes, I only know that the human effort is limited in our trying. Only grace will change anything and everything. Grace be upon my family, I pray.
13 01 2008
Presence of God. Was overwhelmed at the Heidi Baker conference. I just know that I have to go forth and live for Him, and be a testimony of His Love! And yes, in Africa many people are poor and they know it. Yet in Singapore, many people are spiritually poor, yet they do not know it. It really saddens me for when I turn around and look at the people around me, so many of them still do not know God, still do not know the truth. It is my responsibility to go forth and show them who God is, what He does.
24 01 2008
My tutee got back his O levels. I felt really very happy for him. In fact I never knew that I could derive such satisfaction from teaching. He did not do exactly very well overall. It was his standard. However, of all his subjects, he scored highest in those 3 subjects which I taught. He got grades which I never dreamt he’d get, albeit not the best score possible. And I was really happy for him. Yet, he did poorly for those subjects which I did not teach. So yups, not sure if I could be entirely happy about it.
but yups, definitely feel a sense of satisfaction.
28 01 2008
Ha so shi bai staring at someone yet when he saw me had to look away ha. Cos he was putting on his contact lenses in the MRT! wow! so super! if it was me, I would have dropped it or shove it into the back of my eye.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Starting All Over
Hmmm the past few months have been eventful - done many things, met many people, had many postings, but yet the most significant and dear to me is of course about God.
Was thrown into confusion once, and backslided yet again... However, it dawned upon me what little faith I had. Watched the DVD "Faith like Potatoes" and was totally blown away by the faith of Augus, a real missionary in Africa...
I was confused previously, for I encountered some parts of my life and I felt that I could not hear, see or feel Him, His presence, which was previously there, now began to be seem eluded... I realised, through people around me and the things I have heard or seen, that the timing was probably not right, and it was not His will yet. So I have to be patient.
Even though I cannot see, feel or hear Him right now - I have heard Him in the past. And I cannot deny His presence, for He has done so many things in the world, so many miracles, touched so many lives... I simply cannot deny His presence, for He is real, He is the truth. So even though now I don't see or hear Him, does not mean He is not there. It is a period of time for Him to stay silent. NO MATTER WHAT, I WILL STAY CLOSE TO HIM, I WILL CONTINUE PRAYING, I WILL CONTINUE READING HIS WORD. This is perhaps, a test of faith, so I will persevere... Faith is probably believing even though you do not see or hear Him physically, cos I know He is the way, the truth and the life...
Started reading the Bible from all over again! And came across the following in the book What the Bible is All About - Bible Handbook by Dr Henrietta C. Mears. I am amazed... through so many years of reading the Bible I didnt (well i sorta did but never saw it so crystal clear) that all the books made up one big story which is all linked in such an amazingly clear manner when u look at it from a broad perspective (yes, usually we read snippets of it... this verse and that chapter and hope to get some wisdom) and everything is linked so beautifully! The Word of God
Yups so the following is my "notes" haha copyright k.
__________________________________________
That's all from me for now!!!!! :P
Was thrown into confusion once, and backslided yet again... However, it dawned upon me what little faith I had. Watched the DVD "Faith like Potatoes" and was totally blown away by the faith of Augus, a real missionary in Africa...
I was confused previously, for I encountered some parts of my life and I felt that I could not hear, see or feel Him, His presence, which was previously there, now began to be seem eluded... I realised, through people around me and the things I have heard or seen, that the timing was probably not right, and it was not His will yet. So I have to be patient.
Even though I cannot see, feel or hear Him right now - I have heard Him in the past. And I cannot deny His presence, for He has done so many things in the world, so many miracles, touched so many lives... I simply cannot deny His presence, for He is real, He is the truth. So even though now I don't see or hear Him, does not mean He is not there. It is a period of time for Him to stay silent. NO MATTER WHAT, I WILL STAY CLOSE TO HIM, I WILL CONTINUE PRAYING, I WILL CONTINUE READING HIS WORD. This is perhaps, a test of faith, so I will persevere... Faith is probably believing even though you do not see or hear Him physically, cos I know He is the way, the truth and the life...
Started reading the Bible from all over again! And came across the following in the book What the Bible is All About - Bible Handbook by Dr Henrietta C. Mears. I am amazed... through so many years of reading the Bible I didnt (well i sorta did but never saw it so crystal clear) that all the books made up one big story which is all linked in such an amazingly clear manner when u look at it from a broad perspective (yes, usually we read snippets of it... this verse and that chapter and hope to get some wisdom) and everything is linked so beautifully! The Word of God
Yups so the following is my "notes" haha copyright k.
__________________________________________
(this section has been removed, for the formatting has gone warped and i dunno how to fix it!)
That's all from me for now!!!!! :P
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The greatest of these is LOVE
No matter what we're doing, no matter how busy we are, no matter how we feel, we must never, never forget to show love. We must not wait until it's too late. Let us tell someone that we love them; we dare not wait for life to pass us by. Let us get on with it; let us enjoy life to the fullest.
That is what God told me many days ago, but it was not until now did I truly reflect upon it... I was too taken up by school, by all the test and all the memorising... Many a time i wanted to find my friends, contact them by email (especially those overseas), chat with them, meet up with them, but it was always put off by one word: LATER.
This word did change after I heard that an ex-schoolmate committed suicide... the feeling was one like "so near yet so far"; i began to be more concerned with my friend who had some problems, sent many smses and so on... but yet, still i know, i know that my life was primarily revolving school, mugging and more mugging.
N yes, today I took my test, and realised that all those mugging (well it did help) was meaningless. only had one effect, which was to pass... and after that no other benefits... It was during this period when I had one week of fever coupled with the impending workload and tests that made me feel "burnt-out" and how meaningless all those were, that I have actually given up many other precious relationships through all these mugging...
I really don't think it is worth it... yes... tt's y i sorta decided that probably i might not be a paediatrician after all... probably a less stressful and less exams route of a GP might be what I really want, so that I can do much more... serving God, catching up with friends and not caught up with endless climbing of a specialist... Even when one becomes a consultant, he might not have a better time... so why sacrifice so many years for something that seems much less fruitful?
Food for thought...
Just what I'm feeling right now
n yes, I want to thank God for being with me throughout this period. I'm not sure why I felt so stressed. n yups to all those friends who put up with my ramblings these few days, thanks! N yes, it is when we are weak do we see God's strength...
N to all those friends whom I have neglected, really really sorry... I want to make it up I want to meet up with all of you!!!!
The greatest thing of all in this world, is LOVE. yes, express your love to all the people around you starting today! do not wait till it is too late!!!!
That is what God told me many days ago, but it was not until now did I truly reflect upon it... I was too taken up by school, by all the test and all the memorising... Many a time i wanted to find my friends, contact them by email (especially those overseas), chat with them, meet up with them, but it was always put off by one word: LATER.
This word did change after I heard that an ex-schoolmate committed suicide... the feeling was one like "so near yet so far"; i began to be more concerned with my friend who had some problems, sent many smses and so on... but yet, still i know, i know that my life was primarily revolving school, mugging and more mugging.
N yes, today I took my test, and realised that all those mugging (well it did help) was meaningless. only had one effect, which was to pass... and after that no other benefits... It was during this period when I had one week of fever coupled with the impending workload and tests that made me feel "burnt-out" and how meaningless all those were, that I have actually given up many other precious relationships through all these mugging...
I really don't think it is worth it... yes... tt's y i sorta decided that probably i might not be a paediatrician after all... probably a less stressful and less exams route of a GP might be what I really want, so that I can do much more... serving God, catching up with friends and not caught up with endless climbing of a specialist... Even when one becomes a consultant, he might not have a better time... so why sacrifice so many years for something that seems much less fruitful?
Food for thought...
Just what I'm feeling right now
n yes, I want to thank God for being with me throughout this period. I'm not sure why I felt so stressed. n yups to all those friends who put up with my ramblings these few days, thanks! N yes, it is when we are weak do we see God's strength...
N to all those friends whom I have neglected, really really sorry... I want to make it up I want to meet up with all of you!!!!
The greatest thing of all in this world, is LOVE. yes, express your love to all the people around you starting today! do not wait till it is too late!!!!
Friday, April 20, 2007
Take a Little Time Off
Many people gasp at the breath-taking scenery they see when they are abroad; many exclaim the wonders of nature when they visit other places with forests or mountains they have never seen before. Yet, many do not realise that we are experiencing the wonders of nature everyday.
Have you ever stopped and look at the clouds in the midst of your mundane walk home and admire the beautiful pictures formed? Have you ever looked at the trees near your home sway in the breeze and have a sense of peace within you? Have you ever looked at the wonderful creation surrounding us everyday?
The answer most people have is no.
But yes, I have done all that, today.
I looked up to the sky and realised that beauty of the numerous fluffy white and grey clouds. Each time you look at the sky, it paints a different picture for you. The trails of a fighter plane, the figures of two people or even little dogs running across... each have a different story to tell. Such is the beauty of God's creation!
I stared at the angsana tree. It swayed slowly in the breeze, with some flowers at the tip. The rustle of the leaves sing a melodious song of peace. Such is the beauty of God's creation.
Even though the trees are planted by men deliberately in straight rows along the road, even though many buildings line the world we live in now, yet, if we spend time looking at snippets of nature sprouting through concrete land, we can see that no matter how much humans try to create their own world, we can never deny God's wonderful creation of the world.
Appreciation of His creation does not need to be a trip to the Niagara Falls or the Grand Canyon.
It can merely be taking time off our busy schedules and looking around us. We can find all the wonder that we can ever imagine...
In fact, our breathing, our lights and every other thing that is needed to create the man-made world stems from only one - God.
I have started on my journey in experiencing Him all over again and i am reminded of how much I have forgotten the things that He has done for me. Time and again, I forsake my Creator, I turn away, I forget, but never once will He leave me alone.
How about you? Are you avoiding Him today?
He only wants to have a friendship with all of us. As simple as that. So try to get acquianted with Him!
Have you ever stopped and look at the clouds in the midst of your mundane walk home and admire the beautiful pictures formed? Have you ever looked at the trees near your home sway in the breeze and have a sense of peace within you? Have you ever looked at the wonderful creation surrounding us everyday?
The answer most people have is no.
But yes, I have done all that, today.
I looked up to the sky and realised that beauty of the numerous fluffy white and grey clouds. Each time you look at the sky, it paints a different picture for you. The trails of a fighter plane, the figures of two people or even little dogs running across... each have a different story to tell. Such is the beauty of God's creation!
I stared at the angsana tree. It swayed slowly in the breeze, with some flowers at the tip. The rustle of the leaves sing a melodious song of peace. Such is the beauty of God's creation.
Even though the trees are planted by men deliberately in straight rows along the road, even though many buildings line the world we live in now, yet, if we spend time looking at snippets of nature sprouting through concrete land, we can see that no matter how much humans try to create their own world, we can never deny God's wonderful creation of the world.
Appreciation of His creation does not need to be a trip to the Niagara Falls or the Grand Canyon.
It can merely be taking time off our busy schedules and looking around us. We can find all the wonder that we can ever imagine...
In fact, our breathing, our lights and every other thing that is needed to create the man-made world stems from only one - God.
I have started on my journey in experiencing Him all over again and i am reminded of how much I have forgotten the things that He has done for me. Time and again, I forsake my Creator, I turn away, I forget, but never once will He leave me alone.
How about you? Are you avoiding Him today?
He only wants to have a friendship with all of us. As simple as that. So try to get acquianted with Him!
Sunday, March 18, 2007
一感而发
已许久没用华文。还记得以前中学时代，时常用中文抒发感情、想法。毕竟，一字涵数意--有时唯有“知音人”才能参透其中含义。
也因为这样，中文退步，英文裹足不前，变得两头不到岸。这。。。也许就是我生命中的写照：什么都两头不到岸。
也已许久没上博克。久了，读者淡忘这博克的存在，而我，又得回自己需要的私人空间。 喜欢这种在广阔的互联网上有个曝露中带私隐的空间。也许就是这样，人们才能在博克上畅所欲言。
想了很多，一切能以两字形容：单累。
今天与好朋友谈天，往事一涌而上。忽然发现自己以遗忘了那么多。也非常想念当初那单纯、赤心的日子。但，一切不堪回首。遗憾。曾畅谈无束、知心解灵的朋友，在光阴下，变成无言的对象。只能说：你还好吗? 并只是互相述自己的境况。只能长叹了。
有个好朋友说了那么一句：你是非常独立的那种，所以应该不要紧！这句话，让我想起了许多。事实如何，只有我知道。
伪装，似乎是一首主题曲。而配合这首曲子的插曲便是封闭。不知曾几何时，有了这主题曲，也因而越唱越起劲。开始是为自保，用这曲的旋律抵挡外来刺痛的杂音。犹如蛋黄蛋壳般：插曲叠了一层又一层。一切变得模糊。最后，以卵击石也成假象。石头都列了。
久了，这卵只想回到巢中。累了。但，这卵以变。巢中多了一粒石头。蛋黄也已不能流出那厚厚的壳。刺痛。
除此，也了解三人行必有一失的道理。一人一心，不能一心二用。这非常简单的道理，是在许多场合都看到，不只在情感上。也因为封闭，所以发觉第三者大多是俺。
也了解唱不同主题曲的人，频率无法一致，无论付出多少努力，最后还是以累收场。
单、累。
也因为这样，中文退步，英文裹足不前，变得两头不到岸。这。。。也许就是我生命中的写照：什么都两头不到岸。
也已许久没上博克。久了，读者淡忘这博克的存在，而我，又得回自己需要的私人空间。 喜欢这种在广阔的互联网上有个曝露中带私隐的空间。也许就是这样，人们才能在博克上畅所欲言。
想了很多，一切能以两字形容：单累。
今天与好朋友谈天，往事一涌而上。忽然发现自己以遗忘了那么多。也非常想念当初那单纯、赤心的日子。但，一切不堪回首。遗憾。曾畅谈无束、知心解灵的朋友，在光阴下，变成无言的对象。只能说：你还好吗? 并只是互相述自己的境况。只能长叹了。
有个好朋友说了那么一句：你是非常独立的那种，所以应该不要紧！这句话，让我想起了许多。事实如何，只有我知道。
伪装，似乎是一首主题曲。而配合这首曲子的插曲便是封闭。不知曾几何时，有了这主题曲，也因而越唱越起劲。开始是为自保，用这曲的旋律抵挡外来刺痛的杂音。犹如蛋黄蛋壳般：插曲叠了一层又一层。一切变得模糊。最后，以卵击石也成假象。石头都列了。
久了，这卵只想回到巢中。累了。但，这卵以变。巢中多了一粒石头。蛋黄也已不能流出那厚厚的壳。刺痛。
除此，也了解三人行必有一失的道理。一人一心，不能一心二用。这非常简单的道理，是在许多场合都看到，不只在情感上。也因为封闭，所以发觉第三者大多是俺。
也了解唱不同主题曲的人，频率无法一致，无论付出多少努力，最后还是以累收场。
单、累。
Thursday, October 19, 2006
CrOsSrOaDs
dunno but juz feel tt i'm alw at the crossroads in many aspects.... n its cos of these crossroads, i nvr seem to be able to progress or go further... so while all others are moving ahead... i'm stuck at the same spot... alone....
dun like such crossroads.... for due to many factors, i'm usually a hesitant person n so many chances, slip away, cos i was merely standing rooted to the crossroads.... everyday tt i cant cross the current crossroad, i will nvr be able to progress... cos i have to make a decision... n after every one there's yet another crossroad...
if nt for many factors, i'd just merely have gone forward... nt miss any cars passing the roads, yet things are not tt easy as it seems... to take the first step often show a direct deviation frm the other road...in fact its much opposite... n there is no 3rd road.
guess the first step is always the hardest.... to pull ur leg from tt depth of soil u've been standing on for dunno how long is so tough... i can only fell myself sinking further down...
confused...
there should be only roads with branching off... not cross roads..... things shld juz be simple... yet they arent
dun like such crossroads.... for due to many factors, i'm usually a hesitant person n so many chances, slip away, cos i was merely standing rooted to the crossroads.... everyday tt i cant cross the current crossroad, i will nvr be able to progress... cos i have to make a decision... n after every one there's yet another crossroad...
if nt for many factors, i'd just merely have gone forward... nt miss any cars passing the roads, yet things are not tt easy as it seems... to take the first step often show a direct deviation frm the other road...in fact its much opposite... n there is no 3rd road.
guess the first step is always the hardest.... to pull ur leg from tt depth of soil u've been standing on for dunno how long is so tough... i can only fell myself sinking further down...
confused...
there should be only roads with branching off... not cross roads..... things shld juz be simple... yet they arent
hahaha same name???
it's just when u're bored... n dunno why tagboard requires u to login... n etc n etc... that when u start to google ur name and see wat the search yield. hahaha well erhm yes... try it! haha i was surprised to get such a good long list of sites haha i didnt know there were ppl having the same name as me... using 2 "n"s instead of one at the back hahahaha
well so the search yielded things like haha intel general manager, house officer in some English hospital (wow... i hope tt will be me) haha and researcher n etc etc... all like so famous hahaha with many sites.... some had the attachment "MD" or "PhD" etc etc hahaha all so smart
goodness...
will it ever be my turn? haha dunno... its tooooooooooooooooooo long ahead to think.... my sml brain cant take it hahahaha
yupz
well so the search yielded things like haha intel general manager, house officer in some English hospital (wow... i hope tt will be me) haha and researcher n etc etc... all like so famous hahaha with many sites.... some had the attachment "MD" or "PhD" etc etc hahaha all so smart
goodness...
will it ever be my turn? haha dunno... its tooooooooooooooooooo long ahead to think.... my sml brain cant take it hahahaha
yupz
Saturday, August 26, 2006
ThInK AgAiN
A day has just passed...
It was truly uneventful... In a harsher vocabulary, it has been wasted. Just couldn't bring myself to study, though I have lots of grounds to cover. Read abit of jaundice n that was it. Didnt go tuition. Didnt go out. Didnt do anything. Bummed around. Making jelly, making coffee, finding paper, fixing my handphone... all the mundane things that I wont do in my right mind. Well, yes I watched TV too...
Not sure why I just couldn't concentrate... was it cos the rubber band has been overstretched? I really do not have an answer. I did not feel lazy, but I just could not do it. Well yes I think the feeling of bumming around when you have lotsa things to do is really a terrible feeling... Probably a physiological response fr my weird body trying to make myself take a rest. On one side my brain's telling me to shut down itself cos its being overworked, but the other half told me that I was already not fully utilising my brain n if i still did not work it, I would lose all the electrical connections in it.
N now... just as the day is ending... I've come to a sudden realisation as I reflect on my life the past few months or probably even years. I haven been thinking enough. Really... Not using the other side of the brain for too long so much so tt I've forgotten how to think, how to put my thoughts down, how to express myself adequately. Realised I've just been using the most basic vocabulary to communicate with the rest of the world. Realised how dense I have become...
No its not the reading memorising part of me... its the higher mental functions that are not utilised. the emotions, the expressions, the thinking... Have not really been thinking. Reflecting upon my days since i started M2... it has really been a mindless activity. Have wasted one full year just living without thinking. Have really wasted one full year...
The past year has been one without ferreting, one without questions asked, one without active participation. It has been a year lived only by INSTINCT. Why by instinct? cos the mind was not working. the thinking mind was shut down for a year.... N now m really finding hard to reactivate it.
What do I mean by living just purely by instinct? Well... cos I've been doing what I am suppose to do, feeling what I'm suppose to feel n even when relaxing n enjoying, I am doing it cos I have to do it. I am not truly doing the things I have done. Put it simply, everything was done cos it was required by the environment. It was mindless mugging, exams, relax, mugging exams, relax... Just doing what I am suppose to do when the time comes. Doing what my BODY asks me to do, NOT my MIND. Eating when my body needs a better meal, abstaining when my body feels distressed. Even for such a simple thing like eating.... if you ask me wat would i like for lunch, i would say "i dont know"... cos i really dunno... eating for the sake of eating... drinking coffee for the sake of drinking... even when it comes to things like eating meat balls... well, the "craving" for meatballs arise only cos I have not eaten meatball for a long time... not cos I want to eat meatballs...
Dunno... even now I dun even know how I want to put my thoughts across....
Even in my relationship with God, it seems, have not improved over the past year. It seems that I do not even have time to think, integrate, remember and apply all the things I have read. It has almost become a set algorithm: read, remember, follow. Nothing really goes through the substance in between the ears. Which is bad.... N i really want to change that...
Probably He has put this day in to jolt me back to where I started... so that I will not continue to slide down the slippery slope.
ROBOTIC is the only apt word I can use to describe myself now. Using lots of the body, but using nothing up there. Yes like the robot... programmed to feel happy when I am suppose to... programmed to feel when I dun even know if I am feeling or not.
Yes but at least, there's one thing that was not lost... the joy, the feeling of being overwhelmed in His presence; the euphoria, being moved, when I sing praises of Him...
i better start THINKING AGAIN...
it's time.
It was truly uneventful... In a harsher vocabulary, it has been wasted. Just couldn't bring myself to study, though I have lots of grounds to cover. Read abit of jaundice n that was it. Didnt go tuition. Didnt go out. Didnt do anything. Bummed around. Making jelly, making coffee, finding paper, fixing my handphone... all the mundane things that I wont do in my right mind. Well, yes I watched TV too...
Not sure why I just couldn't concentrate... was it cos the rubber band has been overstretched? I really do not have an answer. I did not feel lazy, but I just could not do it. Well yes I think the feeling of bumming around when you have lotsa things to do is really a terrible feeling... Probably a physiological response fr my weird body trying to make myself take a rest. On one side my brain's telling me to shut down itself cos its being overworked, but the other half told me that I was already not fully utilising my brain n if i still did not work it, I would lose all the electrical connections in it.
N now... just as the day is ending... I've come to a sudden realisation as I reflect on my life the past few months or probably even years. I haven been thinking enough. Really... Not using the other side of the brain for too long so much so tt I've forgotten how to think, how to put my thoughts down, how to express myself adequately. Realised I've just been using the most basic vocabulary to communicate with the rest of the world. Realised how dense I have become...
No its not the reading memorising part of me... its the higher mental functions that are not utilised. the emotions, the expressions, the thinking... Have not really been thinking. Reflecting upon my days since i started M2... it has really been a mindless activity. Have wasted one full year just living without thinking. Have really wasted one full year...
The past year has been one without ferreting, one without questions asked, one without active participation. It has been a year lived only by INSTINCT. Why by instinct? cos the mind was not working. the thinking mind was shut down for a year.... N now m really finding hard to reactivate it.
What do I mean by living just purely by instinct? Well... cos I've been doing what I am suppose to do, feeling what I'm suppose to feel n even when relaxing n enjoying, I am doing it cos I have to do it. I am not truly doing the things I have done. Put it simply, everything was done cos it was required by the environment. It was mindless mugging, exams, relax, mugging exams, relax... Just doing what I am suppose to do when the time comes. Doing what my BODY asks me to do, NOT my MIND. Eating when my body needs a better meal, abstaining when my body feels distressed. Even for such a simple thing like eating.... if you ask me wat would i like for lunch, i would say "i dont know"... cos i really dunno... eating for the sake of eating... drinking coffee for the sake of drinking... even when it comes to things like eating meat balls... well, the "craving" for meatballs arise only cos I have not eaten meatball for a long time... not cos I want to eat meatballs...
Dunno... even now I dun even know how I want to put my thoughts across....
Even in my relationship with God, it seems, have not improved over the past year. It seems that I do not even have time to think, integrate, remember and apply all the things I have read. It has almost become a set algorithm: read, remember, follow. Nothing really goes through the substance in between the ears. Which is bad.... N i really want to change that...
Probably He has put this day in to jolt me back to where I started... so that I will not continue to slide down the slippery slope.
ROBOTIC is the only apt word I can use to describe myself now. Using lots of the body, but using nothing up there. Yes like the robot... programmed to feel happy when I am suppose to... programmed to feel when I dun even know if I am feeling or not.
Yes but at least, there's one thing that was not lost... the joy, the feeling of being overwhelmed in His presence; the euphoria, being moved, when I sing praises of Him...
i better start THINKING AGAIN...
it's time.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
FeeLiNg TiReD
haiz... wanted to blog muchmuch but felt very tired after today's episode... i was pissed but i just couldnt bring myself to get angry in front of others...cos they are my good frens... but dunno y... i really wanted to burst out scolding...last time i wont actually mind, but... well but i didnt scold anyone in the end...
too lazy to describe the details....
come to tink of it i nvr really flared up in front of others haha... but i tink tt's really unhealthy...
hmmm just tired.... waiting for hair to dry... den go slp le... tml's surg starting... dun feel ready though... or perhaps im nvr ready... prob cos i've gotta give tuition aft lesson... which is like so tiring cos i gotta go home late again.... hai...prob tt's y i felt like flaring up... cos i hate ppl to postpone things last min... n today both my tutee n frens tried to postpone the tuition n meeting, so much so tt i had to cancel my tuition... tired ne
yupz haha will blog when im in better moods...
too lazy to describe the details....
come to tink of it i nvr really flared up in front of others haha... but i tink tt's really unhealthy...
hmmm just tired.... waiting for hair to dry... den go slp le... tml's surg starting... dun feel ready though... or perhaps im nvr ready... prob cos i've gotta give tuition aft lesson... which is like so tiring cos i gotta go home late again.... hai...prob tt's y i felt like flaring up... cos i hate ppl to postpone things last min... n today both my tutee n frens tried to postpone the tuition n meeting, so much so tt i had to cancel my tuition... tired ne
yupz haha will blog when im in better moods...
Thursday, July 13, 2006
God's promises
Read this off a poster in AH, outside one of the isolation rooms...
No title, so i gave it one:
No title, so i gave it one:
______________________
God’s Promises
God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God has not promised sun without rain,
God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God has not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God has promised
But God has promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the labour,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love…
Rest for the labour,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love…
___________________________
How true! :-P nothing much, just wanna share!
Monday, July 10, 2006
Just some tots...
Haven blogged for a long time... just felt like blogging today... let's see if i can finish in a few minutes...
This morning, I was feeling rather stoned& confused. Didnt see a woman pushing a pram trying to ask me to move aside @ the bus stop... another passerby had to tap me on the shoulder... showed how stoned i was.... then later on the bus, just had a sudden flash of these words through my mind:
"Stunned.
Didnt know why i did that, but i did it...
How can I hope to help others when i cant even help myself?
Ashamed.
The inside was rotten...
Now even the outside is starting to rot
Like how my cheese turned blue...
Feel,
Like an apple crumble now."
But much later, while @ AH... i was suddenly awakened by the person I was trying to help... He shared his experiences with me... and i was encouraged greatly.. for he, a person suffering so much physically, had so much faith & conviction... nvr has he given up in seeking God, though he is ashamed of his deeds... "now i pray just thanking... till one day, when the door opens already, i can then communicate with Him"
he didnt know how much this line meant to the one he was talking to... it showed the resilience, the persistence of this person... how strong was his want to change, to seek Him.
He has encouraged this backslider to regain the confidence, to regain tt hunger for Him... I have no suffering & is in fact so blessed... yet i do not even have tt fighting spirit...
N then, went back home n saw DXK's email... a short read, yet succintly hit the note in my heart... yes! I am not to give up!
am now encouraged! No matter what happened, His Love is constant! He is waiting for us to change! N i shld not give up SEEKING, FERRETING for HIM!
God is in control!
Am really thankful & fortunate.... whenever I fall again, there's alw so many others ard me to try to bring me back on track...
Am really thankful!
Still got lots to blog abt... but yups tink me no time lah haha... these few weeks so many things happen... so much tt i wanna say but then cos alw feel b lazy n nvr say le
Feel like a recharged battery now, cept it is bed time!!!
This morning, I was feeling rather stoned& confused. Didnt see a woman pushing a pram trying to ask me to move aside @ the bus stop... another passerby had to tap me on the shoulder... showed how stoned i was.... then later on the bus, just had a sudden flash of these words through my mind:
"Stunned.
Didnt know why i did that, but i did it...
How can I hope to help others when i cant even help myself?
Ashamed.
The inside was rotten...
Now even the outside is starting to rot
Like how my cheese turned blue...
Feel,
Like an apple crumble now."
But much later, while @ AH... i was suddenly awakened by the person I was trying to help... He shared his experiences with me... and i was encouraged greatly.. for he, a person suffering so much physically, had so much faith & conviction... nvr has he given up in seeking God, though he is ashamed of his deeds... "now i pray just thanking... till one day, when the door opens already, i can then communicate with Him"
he didnt know how much this line meant to the one he was talking to... it showed the resilience, the persistence of this person... how strong was his want to change, to seek Him.
He has encouraged this backslider to regain the confidence, to regain tt hunger for Him... I have no suffering & is in fact so blessed... yet i do not even have tt fighting spirit...
N then, went back home n saw DXK's email... a short read, yet succintly hit the note in my heart... yes! I am not to give up!
am now encouraged! No matter what happened, His Love is constant! He is waiting for us to change! N i shld not give up SEEKING, FERRETING for HIM!
God is in control!
Am really thankful & fortunate.... whenever I fall again, there's alw so many others ard me to try to bring me back on track...
Am really thankful!
Still got lots to blog abt... but yups tink me no time lah haha... these few weeks so many things happen... so much tt i wanna say but then cos alw feel b lazy n nvr say le
Feel like a recharged battery now, cept it is bed time!!!
Sunday, May 21, 2006
:-P
Read WB's blog...
well tt's exactly how I felt initially. Prayed to the Lord, n this was what He told me, "Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me." Gen20:6. Wow! As long as we do things with a clear conscience, God will take care of the rest. He will keep you from sinning... No matter what happens, be it a misunderstanding or wat...
N yup, prayed about it earlier today too... n He told me the same thing... then when i got bored of studying... browsed the Net n read WB's blog... felt that He's speaking through WB! WB thanks alot!!!!! hahaha :-P
__________________
Sent this to a friend earlier this week... reflected how i felt a few weeks ago...
"When I am down and O my soul so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until You come and sit awhile with me
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stromy seas
And I am strong when I am on Your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
There is no life no life without its hunger
Each restless heart beats so imperfetly
But when You come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes I think I glimpse eternity."
______________________________
and the following is to share with WB!!!!
"This is no time for fear
This is a time for faith and determinnation
Don't lose the vision here carried away by the motion
Hold on to all that you hide in your heart
There is one thing that has always been true
It holds the world together
God is in control
We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control
We will choose to remember and never be shaken
there is no power above or beside Him we know!
He will never let you down!
and He is still the loving Father
Watching over you and me"
:-P
.............back to mugging...........
well tt's exactly how I felt initially. Prayed to the Lord, n this was what He told me, "Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me." Gen20:6. Wow! As long as we do things with a clear conscience, God will take care of the rest. He will keep you from sinning... No matter what happens, be it a misunderstanding or wat...
N yup, prayed about it earlier today too... n He told me the same thing... then when i got bored of studying... browsed the Net n read WB's blog... felt that He's speaking through WB! WB thanks alot!!!!! hahaha :-P
__________________
Sent this to a friend earlier this week... reflected how i felt a few weeks ago...
"When I am down and O my soul so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until You come and sit awhile with me
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stromy seas
And I am strong when I am on Your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
There is no life no life without its hunger
Each restless heart beats so imperfetly
But when You come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes I think I glimpse eternity."
______________________________
and the following is to share with WB!!!!
"This is no time for fear
This is a time for faith and determinnation
Don't lose the vision here carried away by the motion
Hold on to all that you hide in your heart
There is one thing that has always been true
It holds the world together
God is in control
We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control
We will choose to remember and never be shaken
there is no power above or beside Him we know!
He will never let you down!
and He is still the loving Father
Watching over you and me"
:-P
.............back to mugging...........
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