ReflectionZ

Just blogging something that struck me these few days.

There i was, crushing the fish fillet into smaller pieces. For easy chewing and eating. I put it in her spoon, together with some vegetables. Instantly, flashback. Some 18 years ago, i swallowed a fishbone. Did not manage to get it out. Flush it down with water, vegetables or rice, as my parents would say (erhm, now as i've learnt more things, well this is definitely NOT advisable if u accidentally swallow a fishbone). I did. Yet the fear of fish persisted. The next day lunchtime, there i was, staring at the piece of fish and dared not pick it up. For fear of another fishbone. Yet, she patiently crushed the piece of "mai yau" fish (canto) and tried to see and pick out any bone. (yes, even though that type of fish, according to her knowledge, had really really no bones) Then she would encourage me to eat. Bit by bit, slowly, i picked up the pieces and put them in my mouth. Just like what she was doing now. Do not remember much of those days when I was young, just the few precious memories.

Yet, now I looked at her, I am reminded of the sad fact that while I have grown and become more independent and more involved in my own affairs, she has also grown... old. Compared to 18 years ago, she have really aged. No longer is she as nimble, no longer is she as able to pick out bones. No longer she is chewing as well as she did. No longer... ... How long have I not taken her hand and hold it tight. Week after week I visit her, yet she seemed so distant. The visits didnt add on to anything. I can't help but imagine what she has been doing all these while. It seems that I have missed out so much time together with her. Those countless of hours which I have spent outside, working, which I have completed many projects, write ups, tutorials, lectures. What was she doing all this while, while I was in school? Sleeping, watching TV, reading newspaper etc? Well, I would never know what I have missed. Those peaceful quiet times I could have spent holding her hands, speaking to her, talking to her.

And it is really sad. She has many children. All of whom visits her. Yet, they talk among themselves, they talk about her. But who really speaks to her heart? Previously they could have. Now they can't. Whatever you speak, you will have to speak it again. And again.

I am afraid, really afraid. That I might not have much chance to do so. That I might not have time to spend with her. That I might miss out so much of her life. I wonder how different things would be when i return 2 months later. While I am out there trying to experience a new way of life, she is still here, gradually withering away... It has long been since she has had the perfect memory. Now she seems to be even more confused... I don't seem to be able to speak to her heart. The person in her... locked? Life, has reduced... to a point that seemed only mechanical... No intellect, no thoughts to think about. Perhaps the once complex brain is disintegrating to the point of just having spinal reflexes. Message in. Connection. Message out. No retention. Same message in, same message out. Probably a short circuit.

I prayed. I held her hands and prayed...

I went down to this place today. As usual, me in a business like tone. Just wanted to get what I need and leave. Just give a bit of intro and that's it. Then... nearing the end of it all, she said, "Win more souls for Christ!" I felt electrocuted. It just struck me. Ever so hard.

He has done so much for me. It's time I offer myself up to Him.