ha tempted to wait till 5th of feb to make it a whole 6 mths. but yups since im online and dun feel like packing stuff, i'd just blog!
these 6 mths... long ride! but i can only say the most amazing thing in my life that happened is still spiritual growth! That is the most precious and valuable to me! God!
Life is so interesting! Many ups and downs - the cycle just continues. However, only God is constant and it is Him who carries me through! Even though now im still at the crossroads in some aspects of my life, I am confident and not exactly worried about what lies ahead, for I know He will lead me. I just have to obey, absolute obedience!
many have asked why did i choose the word ferret. well as you know ferret (noun) = a type of animal, but also means "an assiduous search". Set up this blog when I was still backsliding, when I was still searching for the truth. Yet, now that I have found it, it is still an endless search for God. There are new things to be learnt, there are more truths to be discovered!
hmmm well, shall think about what to write first... meanwhile, will just post mini blog notes which i write in my hp whenever i feel like it. Ha!
05 06 2007
Have not talked so much to so many people in a long while… Have not watched such an early movie for a long while… Have not experienced early morning jog on a weekday until today… I’m truly enjoying myself…Life is so much more interesting when you’re not forcing facts into you head… Maybe one should meet up with his friends during our break every year… Mundane things seem so much more precious now. And yes having the time to walk with the Lord quietly is a blessing!
07 06 2007
Used to think 1 hour is so short… Run for half an hour, after all the cooling down it’d be gone. Mug less than a chapter. Clerk maybe 2 patients. A TV serial. Dinner time plus some TV. But today, in 1 hour I’ve collected my printer, brought it home, tested, tried to get a cat to respond and when I finally arrived at the same bench at the MRT station, I looked up… Exactly 1 hour. Wow. Maybe it’s the way we do things… But yet if every hour was as stressed as this, we probably won’t have many hours left…
08 06 2007
Not sure why, but I seem to be able to connect to the more grassroots people… Probably that’s cos where I grew up. However, I really think I’m more quiet and don’t really know how to express myself. Yes the word is shy. N I do not open up easily,,, Though I look very much extroverted but in fact I’m really quite an introvert. Yup and I think I have the Singaporean syndrome… Keep quiet and more stoic, unless I’m really offended. It’s kinda weird cos on one hand I’m extro, like to do outdoor stuff but when it comes to starting conversation and knowing new friends I’m rather shy, if left on my own. I fare much better when there’s someone to company… just some random tots…
17 08 2007
Marching phenomenon at outram park NEL vs EWL. No one talks! Only footsteps in unison!
Shuttle bus to KK from Bugis. By word of mouth I got to know about it, but word of mouth I confirmed its existence – from the MRT staff. There was no sign no nothing at the bus stop, only a queue. And I joined the queue with no questions asked. Interesting how Singaporeans behave, me included ha. And the queue just kept on growing… In silence.
31 08 2007
I saw the same shirt twice worn by different persons, at different places. It says ‘I Love Life’. Sets me thinking. Guess it’s a privilege to be able to love life. How can you love life if you’re born with cerebral palsy, premature with multiple organ failure and so on. When you are hooked on machines for life or just lie ties plainly moving involuntarily with no inkling of what’s happening around you cos your brain hasn’t a chance to develop? N you get
03 11 2007
Today… I saw how unlimited maternal love seemed. She’d be a good example to be on an ad regarding the joy of motherhood. On the MRT she was carrying one infant and playing with her. When her older child showed signs of wanting attention (pulling on tt arm which was ‘entertaining’ his sibling) and tiredness, she carried her baby higher, to make space on her lap for the older child to lie on. Joy was written all over her face. Nothing seemed to daunt her. Nothing tt her children does. Entertainer of her children. Energetic! Motherly love and happiness simply exude. One word: respect.
And give it a thought - this motherly love which seems boundless - why can’t we apply this love, to people around us? Love is the only thing that knows no boundaries. And it can be done. So why not? And how much more is God’s love for us? The boundless love which God promised, is true!
18 11 2007
I actually miss the weekly tuition sessions… Actually mis my tutee. Hmm didn’t say much to him on the last session, but yup sincerely hope the best for him.
22 12 2007
What does ‘family’ mean to u? It is some place where there is love, where you are valued, where you grew up. However, it is this ‘family’ that seems so different from ‘the rest of your friends’. And we tend to neglect that fact.
They are the people most dear to you, but yet it is most difficult to talk to them about things close to heart, especially when you’re on opposite ends of the word ‘religion’. You know them too well, you know how they’re like and you know further probing will turn the tables and the door is shut. So how do you every try, how do you ever start? Especially in the Chinese culture where ur elders are always right and not to be questioned or doubted. Your credibility is zero when facing them. And they too don’t question what they’ve done, for years. Some things that seem so obvious. Yes, I only know that the human effort is limited in our trying. Only grace will change anything and everything. Grace be upon my family, I pray.
13 01 2008
Presence of God. Was overwhelmed at the Heidi Baker conference. I just know that I have to go forth and live for Him, and be a testimony of His Love! And yes, in Africa many people are poor and they know it. Yet in Singapore, many people are spiritually poor, yet they do not know it. It really saddens me for when I turn around and look at the people around me, so many of them still do not know God, still do not know the truth. It is my responsibility to go forth and show them who God is, what He does.
24 01 2008
My tutee got back his O levels. I felt really very happy for him. In fact I never knew that I could derive such satisfaction from teaching. He did not do exactly very well overall. It was his standard. However, of all his subjects, he scored highest in those 3 subjects which I taught. He got grades which I never dreamt he’d get, albeit not the best score possible. And I was really happy for him. Yet, he did poorly for those subjects which I did not teach. So yups, not sure if I could be entirely happy about it.
but yups, definitely feel a sense of satisfaction.
28 01 2008
Ha so shi bai staring at someone yet when he saw me had to look away ha. Cos he was putting on his contact lenses in the MRT! wow! so super! if it was me, I would have dropped it or shove it into the back of my eye.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Starting All Over
Hmmm the past few months have been eventful - done many things, met many people, had many postings, but yet the most significant and dear to me is of course about God.
Was thrown into confusion once, and backslided yet again... However, it dawned upon me what little faith I had. Watched the DVD "Faith like Potatoes" and was totally blown away by the faith of Augus, a real missionary in Africa...
I was confused previously, for I encountered some parts of my life and I felt that I could not hear, see or feel Him, His presence, which was previously there, now began to be seem eluded... I realised, through people around me and the things I have heard or seen, that the timing was probably not right, and it was not His will yet. So I have to be patient.
Even though I cannot see, feel or hear Him right now - I have heard Him in the past. And I cannot deny His presence, for He has done so many things in the world, so many miracles, touched so many lives... I simply cannot deny His presence, for He is real, He is the truth. So even though now I don't see or hear Him, does not mean He is not there. It is a period of time for Him to stay silent. NO MATTER WHAT, I WILL STAY CLOSE TO HIM, I WILL CONTINUE PRAYING, I WILL CONTINUE READING HIS WORD. This is perhaps, a test of faith, so I will persevere... Faith is probably believing even though you do not see or hear Him physically, cos I know He is the way, the truth and the life...
Started reading the Bible from all over again! And came across the following in the book What the Bible is All About - Bible Handbook by Dr Henrietta C. Mears. I am amazed... through so many years of reading the Bible I didnt (well i sorta did but never saw it so crystal clear) that all the books made up one big story which is all linked in such an amazingly clear manner when u look at it from a broad perspective (yes, usually we read snippets of it... this verse and that chapter and hope to get some wisdom) and everything is linked so beautifully! The Word of God
Yups so the following is my "notes" haha copyright k.
__________________________________________
That's all from me for now!!!!! :P
Was thrown into confusion once, and backslided yet again... However, it dawned upon me what little faith I had. Watched the DVD "Faith like Potatoes" and was totally blown away by the faith of Augus, a real missionary in Africa...
I was confused previously, for I encountered some parts of my life and I felt that I could not hear, see or feel Him, His presence, which was previously there, now began to be seem eluded... I realised, through people around me and the things I have heard or seen, that the timing was probably not right, and it was not His will yet. So I have to be patient.
Even though I cannot see, feel or hear Him right now - I have heard Him in the past. And I cannot deny His presence, for He has done so many things in the world, so many miracles, touched so many lives... I simply cannot deny His presence, for He is real, He is the truth. So even though now I don't see or hear Him, does not mean He is not there. It is a period of time for Him to stay silent. NO MATTER WHAT, I WILL STAY CLOSE TO HIM, I WILL CONTINUE PRAYING, I WILL CONTINUE READING HIS WORD. This is perhaps, a test of faith, so I will persevere... Faith is probably believing even though you do not see or hear Him physically, cos I know He is the way, the truth and the life...
Started reading the Bible from all over again! And came across the following in the book What the Bible is All About - Bible Handbook by Dr Henrietta C. Mears. I am amazed... through so many years of reading the Bible I didnt (well i sorta did but never saw it so crystal clear) that all the books made up one big story which is all linked in such an amazingly clear manner when u look at it from a broad perspective (yes, usually we read snippets of it... this verse and that chapter and hope to get some wisdom) and everything is linked so beautifully! The Word of God
Yups so the following is my "notes" haha copyright k.
__________________________________________
(this section has been removed, for the formatting has gone warped and i dunno how to fix it!)
That's all from me for now!!!!! :P
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The greatest of these is LOVE
No matter what we're doing, no matter how busy we are, no matter how we feel, we must never, never forget to show love. We must not wait until it's too late. Let us tell someone that we love them; we dare not wait for life to pass us by. Let us get on with it; let us enjoy life to the fullest.
That is what God told me many days ago, but it was not until now did I truly reflect upon it... I was too taken up by school, by all the test and all the memorising... Many a time i wanted to find my friends, contact them by email (especially those overseas), chat with them, meet up with them, but it was always put off by one word: LATER.
This word did change after I heard that an ex-schoolmate committed suicide... the feeling was one like "so near yet so far"; i began to be more concerned with my friend who had some problems, sent many smses and so on... but yet, still i know, i know that my life was primarily revolving school, mugging and more mugging.
N yes, today I took my test, and realised that all those mugging (well it did help) was meaningless. only had one effect, which was to pass... and after that no other benefits... It was during this period when I had one week of fever coupled with the impending workload and tests that made me feel "burnt-out" and how meaningless all those were, that I have actually given up many other precious relationships through all these mugging...
I really don't think it is worth it... yes... tt's y i sorta decided that probably i might not be a paediatrician after all... probably a less stressful and less exams route of a GP might be what I really want, so that I can do much more... serving God, catching up with friends and not caught up with endless climbing of a specialist... Even when one becomes a consultant, he might not have a better time... so why sacrifice so many years for something that seems much less fruitful?
Food for thought...
Just what I'm feeling right now
n yes, I want to thank God for being with me throughout this period. I'm not sure why I felt so stressed. n yups to all those friends who put up with my ramblings these few days, thanks! N yes, it is when we are weak do we see God's strength...
N to all those friends whom I have neglected, really really sorry... I want to make it up I want to meet up with all of you!!!!
The greatest thing of all in this world, is LOVE. yes, express your love to all the people around you starting today! do not wait till it is too late!!!!
That is what God told me many days ago, but it was not until now did I truly reflect upon it... I was too taken up by school, by all the test and all the memorising... Many a time i wanted to find my friends, contact them by email (especially those overseas), chat with them, meet up with them, but it was always put off by one word: LATER.
This word did change after I heard that an ex-schoolmate committed suicide... the feeling was one like "so near yet so far"; i began to be more concerned with my friend who had some problems, sent many smses and so on... but yet, still i know, i know that my life was primarily revolving school, mugging and more mugging.
N yes, today I took my test, and realised that all those mugging (well it did help) was meaningless. only had one effect, which was to pass... and after that no other benefits... It was during this period when I had one week of fever coupled with the impending workload and tests that made me feel "burnt-out" and how meaningless all those were, that I have actually given up many other precious relationships through all these mugging...
I really don't think it is worth it... yes... tt's y i sorta decided that probably i might not be a paediatrician after all... probably a less stressful and less exams route of a GP might be what I really want, so that I can do much more... serving God, catching up with friends and not caught up with endless climbing of a specialist... Even when one becomes a consultant, he might not have a better time... so why sacrifice so many years for something that seems much less fruitful?
Food for thought...
Just what I'm feeling right now
n yes, I want to thank God for being with me throughout this period. I'm not sure why I felt so stressed. n yups to all those friends who put up with my ramblings these few days, thanks! N yes, it is when we are weak do we see God's strength...
N to all those friends whom I have neglected, really really sorry... I want to make it up I want to meet up with all of you!!!!
The greatest thing of all in this world, is LOVE. yes, express your love to all the people around you starting today! do not wait till it is too late!!!!
Friday, April 20, 2007
Take a Little Time Off
Many people gasp at the breath-taking scenery they see when they are abroad; many exclaim the wonders of nature when they visit other places with forests or mountains they have never seen before. Yet, many do not realise that we are experiencing the wonders of nature everyday.
Have you ever stopped and look at the clouds in the midst of your mundane walk home and admire the beautiful pictures formed? Have you ever looked at the trees near your home sway in the breeze and have a sense of peace within you? Have you ever looked at the wonderful creation surrounding us everyday?
The answer most people have is no.
But yes, I have done all that, today.
I looked up to the sky and realised that beauty of the numerous fluffy white and grey clouds. Each time you look at the sky, it paints a different picture for you. The trails of a fighter plane, the figures of two people or even little dogs running across... each have a different story to tell. Such is the beauty of God's creation!
I stared at the angsana tree. It swayed slowly in the breeze, with some flowers at the tip. The rustle of the leaves sing a melodious song of peace. Such is the beauty of God's creation.
Even though the trees are planted by men deliberately in straight rows along the road, even though many buildings line the world we live in now, yet, if we spend time looking at snippets of nature sprouting through concrete land, we can see that no matter how much humans try to create their own world, we can never deny God's wonderful creation of the world.
Appreciation of His creation does not need to be a trip to the Niagara Falls or the Grand Canyon.
It can merely be taking time off our busy schedules and looking around us. We can find all the wonder that we can ever imagine...
In fact, our breathing, our lights and every other thing that is needed to create the man-made world stems from only one - God.
I have started on my journey in experiencing Him all over again and i am reminded of how much I have forgotten the things that He has done for me. Time and again, I forsake my Creator, I turn away, I forget, but never once will He leave me alone.
How about you? Are you avoiding Him today?
He only wants to have a friendship with all of us. As simple as that. So try to get acquianted with Him!
Have you ever stopped and look at the clouds in the midst of your mundane walk home and admire the beautiful pictures formed? Have you ever looked at the trees near your home sway in the breeze and have a sense of peace within you? Have you ever looked at the wonderful creation surrounding us everyday?
The answer most people have is no.
But yes, I have done all that, today.
I looked up to the sky and realised that beauty of the numerous fluffy white and grey clouds. Each time you look at the sky, it paints a different picture for you. The trails of a fighter plane, the figures of two people or even little dogs running across... each have a different story to tell. Such is the beauty of God's creation!
I stared at the angsana tree. It swayed slowly in the breeze, with some flowers at the tip. The rustle of the leaves sing a melodious song of peace. Such is the beauty of God's creation.
Even though the trees are planted by men deliberately in straight rows along the road, even though many buildings line the world we live in now, yet, if we spend time looking at snippets of nature sprouting through concrete land, we can see that no matter how much humans try to create their own world, we can never deny God's wonderful creation of the world.
Appreciation of His creation does not need to be a trip to the Niagara Falls or the Grand Canyon.
It can merely be taking time off our busy schedules and looking around us. We can find all the wonder that we can ever imagine...
In fact, our breathing, our lights and every other thing that is needed to create the man-made world stems from only one - God.
I have started on my journey in experiencing Him all over again and i am reminded of how much I have forgotten the things that He has done for me. Time and again, I forsake my Creator, I turn away, I forget, but never once will He leave me alone.
How about you? Are you avoiding Him today?
He only wants to have a friendship with all of us. As simple as that. So try to get acquianted with Him!
Sunday, March 18, 2007
一感而发
已许久没用华文。还记得以前中学时代，时常用中文抒发感情、想法。毕竟，一字涵数意--有时唯有“知音人”才能参透其中含义。
也因为这样，中文退步，英文裹足不前，变得两头不到岸。这。。。也许就是我生命中的写照：什么都两头不到岸。
也已许久没上博克。久了，读者淡忘这博克的存在，而我，又得回自己需要的私人空间。 喜欢这种在广阔的互联网上有个曝露中带私隐的空间。也许就是这样，人们才能在博克上畅所欲言。
想了很多，一切能以两字形容：单累。
今天与好朋友谈天，往事一涌而上。忽然发现自己以遗忘了那么多。也非常想念当初那单纯、赤心的日子。但，一切不堪回首。遗憾。曾畅谈无束、知心解灵的朋友，在光阴下，变成无言的对象。只能说：你还好吗? 并只是互相述自己的境况。只能长叹了。
有个好朋友说了那么一句：你是非常独立的那种，所以应该不要紧！这句话，让我想起了许多。事实如何，只有我知道。
伪装，似乎是一首主题曲。而配合这首曲子的插曲便是封闭。不知曾几何时，有了这主题曲，也因而越唱越起劲。开始是为自保，用这曲的旋律抵挡外来刺痛的杂音。犹如蛋黄蛋壳般：插曲叠了一层又一层。一切变得模糊。最后，以卵击石也成假象。石头都列了。
久了，这卵只想回到巢中。累了。但，这卵以变。巢中多了一粒石头。蛋黄也已不能流出那厚厚的壳。刺痛。
除此，也了解三人行必有一失的道理。一人一心，不能一心二用。这非常简单的道理，是在许多场合都看到，不只在情感上。也因为封闭，所以发觉第三者大多是俺。
也了解唱不同主题曲的人，频率无法一致，无论付出多少努力，最后还是以累收场。
单、累。
也因为这样，中文退步，英文裹足不前，变得两头不到岸。这。。。也许就是我生命中的写照：什么都两头不到岸。
也已许久没上博克。久了，读者淡忘这博克的存在，而我，又得回自己需要的私人空间。 喜欢这种在广阔的互联网上有个曝露中带私隐的空间。也许就是这样，人们才能在博克上畅所欲言。
想了很多，一切能以两字形容：单累。
今天与好朋友谈天，往事一涌而上。忽然发现自己以遗忘了那么多。也非常想念当初那单纯、赤心的日子。但，一切不堪回首。遗憾。曾畅谈无束、知心解灵的朋友，在光阴下，变成无言的对象。只能说：你还好吗? 并只是互相述自己的境况。只能长叹了。
有个好朋友说了那么一句：你是非常独立的那种，所以应该不要紧！这句话，让我想起了许多。事实如何，只有我知道。
伪装，似乎是一首主题曲。而配合这首曲子的插曲便是封闭。不知曾几何时，有了这主题曲，也因而越唱越起劲。开始是为自保，用这曲的旋律抵挡外来刺痛的杂音。犹如蛋黄蛋壳般：插曲叠了一层又一层。一切变得模糊。最后，以卵击石也成假象。石头都列了。
久了，这卵只想回到巢中。累了。但，这卵以变。巢中多了一粒石头。蛋黄也已不能流出那厚厚的壳。刺痛。
除此，也了解三人行必有一失的道理。一人一心，不能一心二用。这非常简单的道理，是在许多场合都看到，不只在情感上。也因为封闭，所以发觉第三者大多是俺。
也了解唱不同主题曲的人，频率无法一致，无论付出多少努力，最后还是以累收场。
单、累。
Thursday, October 19, 2006
CrOsSrOaDs
dunno but juz feel tt i'm alw at the crossroads in many aspects.... n its cos of these crossroads, i nvr seem to be able to progress or go further... so while all others are moving ahead... i'm stuck at the same spot... alone....
dun like such crossroads.... for due to many factors, i'm usually a hesitant person n so many chances, slip away, cos i was merely standing rooted to the crossroads.... everyday tt i cant cross the current crossroad, i will nvr be able to progress... cos i have to make a decision... n after every one there's yet another crossroad...
if nt for many factors, i'd just merely have gone forward... nt miss any cars passing the roads, yet things are not tt easy as it seems... to take the first step often show a direct deviation frm the other road...in fact its much opposite... n there is no 3rd road.
guess the first step is always the hardest.... to pull ur leg from tt depth of soil u've been standing on for dunno how long is so tough... i can only fell myself sinking further down...
confused...
there should be only roads with branching off... not cross roads..... things shld juz be simple... yet they arent
dun like such crossroads.... for due to many factors, i'm usually a hesitant person n so many chances, slip away, cos i was merely standing rooted to the crossroads.... everyday tt i cant cross the current crossroad, i will nvr be able to progress... cos i have to make a decision... n after every one there's yet another crossroad...
if nt for many factors, i'd just merely have gone forward... nt miss any cars passing the roads, yet things are not tt easy as it seems... to take the first step often show a direct deviation frm the other road...in fact its much opposite... n there is no 3rd road.
guess the first step is always the hardest.... to pull ur leg from tt depth of soil u've been standing on for dunno how long is so tough... i can only fell myself sinking further down...
confused...
there should be only roads with branching off... not cross roads..... things shld juz be simple... yet they arent
hahaha same name???
it's just when u're bored... n dunno why tagboard requires u to login... n etc n etc... that when u start to google ur name and see wat the search yield. hahaha well erhm yes... try it! haha i was surprised to get such a good long list of sites haha i didnt know there were ppl having the same name as me... using 2 "n"s instead of one at the back hahahaha
well so the search yielded things like haha intel general manager, house officer in some English hospital (wow... i hope tt will be me) haha and researcher n etc etc... all like so famous hahaha with many sites.... some had the attachment "MD" or "PhD" etc etc hahaha all so smart
goodness...
will it ever be my turn? haha dunno... its tooooooooooooooooooo long ahead to think.... my sml brain cant take it hahahaha
yupz
well so the search yielded things like haha intel general manager, house officer in some English hospital (wow... i hope tt will be me) haha and researcher n etc etc... all like so famous hahaha with many sites.... some had the attachment "MD" or "PhD" etc etc hahaha all so smart
goodness...
will it ever be my turn? haha dunno... its tooooooooooooooooooo long ahead to think.... my sml brain cant take it hahahaha
yupz
Saturday, August 26, 2006
ThInK AgAiN
A day has just passed...
It was truly uneventful... In a harsher vocabulary, it has been wasted. Just couldn't bring myself to study, though I have lots of grounds to cover. Read abit of jaundice n that was it. Didnt go tuition. Didnt go out. Didnt do anything. Bummed around. Making jelly, making coffee, finding paper, fixing my handphone... all the mundane things that I wont do in my right mind. Well, yes I watched TV too...
Not sure why I just couldn't concentrate... was it cos the rubber band has been overstretched? I really do not have an answer. I did not feel lazy, but I just could not do it. Well yes I think the feeling of bumming around when you have lotsa things to do is really a terrible feeling... Probably a physiological response fr my weird body trying to make myself take a rest. On one side my brain's telling me to shut down itself cos its being overworked, but the other half told me that I was already not fully utilising my brain n if i still did not work it, I would lose all the electrical connections in it.
N now... just as the day is ending... I've come to a sudden realisation as I reflect on my life the past few months or probably even years. I haven been thinking enough. Really... Not using the other side of the brain for too long so much so tt I've forgotten how to think, how to put my thoughts down, how to express myself adequately. Realised I've just been using the most basic vocabulary to communicate with the rest of the world. Realised how dense I have become...
No its not the reading memorising part of me... its the higher mental functions that are not utilised. the emotions, the expressions, the thinking... Have not really been thinking. Reflecting upon my days since i started M2... it has really been a mindless activity. Have wasted one full year just living without thinking. Have really wasted one full year...
The past year has been one without ferreting, one without questions asked, one without active participation. It has been a year lived only by INSTINCT. Why by instinct? cos the mind was not working. the thinking mind was shut down for a year.... N now m really finding hard to reactivate it.
What do I mean by living just purely by instinct? Well... cos I've been doing what I am suppose to do, feeling what I'm suppose to feel n even when relaxing n enjoying, I am doing it cos I have to do it. I am not truly doing the things I have done. Put it simply, everything was done cos it was required by the environment. It was mindless mugging, exams, relax, mugging exams, relax... Just doing what I am suppose to do when the time comes. Doing what my BODY asks me to do, NOT my MIND. Eating when my body needs a better meal, abstaining when my body feels distressed. Even for such a simple thing like eating.... if you ask me wat would i like for lunch, i would say "i dont know"... cos i really dunno... eating for the sake of eating... drinking coffee for the sake of drinking... even when it comes to things like eating meat balls... well, the "craving" for meatballs arise only cos I have not eaten meatball for a long time... not cos I want to eat meatballs...
Dunno... even now I dun even know how I want to put my thoughts across....
Even in my relationship with God, it seems, have not improved over the past year. It seems that I do not even have time to think, integrate, remember and apply all the things I have read. It has almost become a set algorithm: read, remember, follow. Nothing really goes through the substance in between the ears. Which is bad.... N i really want to change that...
Probably He has put this day in to jolt me back to where I started... so that I will not continue to slide down the slippery slope.
ROBOTIC is the only apt word I can use to describe myself now. Using lots of the body, but using nothing up there. Yes like the robot... programmed to feel happy when I am suppose to... programmed to feel when I dun even know if I am feeling or not.
Yes but at least, there's one thing that was not lost... the joy, the feeling of being overwhelmed in His presence; the euphoria, being moved, when I sing praises of Him...
i better start THINKING AGAIN...
it's time.
It was truly uneventful... In a harsher vocabulary, it has been wasted. Just couldn't bring myself to study, though I have lots of grounds to cover. Read abit of jaundice n that was it. Didnt go tuition. Didnt go out. Didnt do anything. Bummed around. Making jelly, making coffee, finding paper, fixing my handphone... all the mundane things that I wont do in my right mind. Well, yes I watched TV too...
Not sure why I just couldn't concentrate... was it cos the rubber band has been overstretched? I really do not have an answer. I did not feel lazy, but I just could not do it. Well yes I think the feeling of bumming around when you have lotsa things to do is really a terrible feeling... Probably a physiological response fr my weird body trying to make myself take a rest. On one side my brain's telling me to shut down itself cos its being overworked, but the other half told me that I was already not fully utilising my brain n if i still did not work it, I would lose all the electrical connections in it.
N now... just as the day is ending... I've come to a sudden realisation as I reflect on my life the past few months or probably even years. I haven been thinking enough. Really... Not using the other side of the brain for too long so much so tt I've forgotten how to think, how to put my thoughts down, how to express myself adequately. Realised I've just been using the most basic vocabulary to communicate with the rest of the world. Realised how dense I have become...
No its not the reading memorising part of me... its the higher mental functions that are not utilised. the emotions, the expressions, the thinking... Have not really been thinking. Reflecting upon my days since i started M2... it has really been a mindless activity. Have wasted one full year just living without thinking. Have really wasted one full year...
The past year has been one without ferreting, one without questions asked, one without active participation. It has been a year lived only by INSTINCT. Why by instinct? cos the mind was not working. the thinking mind was shut down for a year.... N now m really finding hard to reactivate it.
What do I mean by living just purely by instinct? Well... cos I've been doing what I am suppose to do, feeling what I'm suppose to feel n even when relaxing n enjoying, I am doing it cos I have to do it. I am not truly doing the things I have done. Put it simply, everything was done cos it was required by the environment. It was mindless mugging, exams, relax, mugging exams, relax... Just doing what I am suppose to do when the time comes. Doing what my BODY asks me to do, NOT my MIND. Eating when my body needs a better meal, abstaining when my body feels distressed. Even for such a simple thing like eating.... if you ask me wat would i like for lunch, i would say "i dont know"... cos i really dunno... eating for the sake of eating... drinking coffee for the sake of drinking... even when it comes to things like eating meat balls... well, the "craving" for meatballs arise only cos I have not eaten meatball for a long time... not cos I want to eat meatballs...
Dunno... even now I dun even know how I want to put my thoughts across....
Even in my relationship with God, it seems, have not improved over the past year. It seems that I do not even have time to think, integrate, remember and apply all the things I have read. It has almost become a set algorithm: read, remember, follow. Nothing really goes through the substance in between the ears. Which is bad.... N i really want to change that...
Probably He has put this day in to jolt me back to where I started... so that I will not continue to slide down the slippery slope.
ROBOTIC is the only apt word I can use to describe myself now. Using lots of the body, but using nothing up there. Yes like the robot... programmed to feel happy when I am suppose to... programmed to feel when I dun even know if I am feeling or not.
Yes but at least, there's one thing that was not lost... the joy, the feeling of being overwhelmed in His presence; the euphoria, being moved, when I sing praises of Him...
i better start THINKING AGAIN...
it's time.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
FeeLiNg TiReD
haiz... wanted to blog muchmuch but felt very tired after today's episode... i was pissed but i just couldnt bring myself to get angry in front of others...cos they are my good frens... but dunno y... i really wanted to burst out scolding...last time i wont actually mind, but... well but i didnt scold anyone in the end...
too lazy to describe the details....
come to tink of it i nvr really flared up in front of others haha... but i tink tt's really unhealthy...
hmmm just tired.... waiting for hair to dry... den go slp le... tml's surg starting... dun feel ready though... or perhaps im nvr ready... prob cos i've gotta give tuition aft lesson... which is like so tiring cos i gotta go home late again.... hai...prob tt's y i felt like flaring up... cos i hate ppl to postpone things last min... n today both my tutee n frens tried to postpone the tuition n meeting, so much so tt i had to cancel my tuition... tired ne
yupz haha will blog when im in better moods...
too lazy to describe the details....
come to tink of it i nvr really flared up in front of others haha... but i tink tt's really unhealthy...
hmmm just tired.... waiting for hair to dry... den go slp le... tml's surg starting... dun feel ready though... or perhaps im nvr ready... prob cos i've gotta give tuition aft lesson... which is like so tiring cos i gotta go home late again.... hai...prob tt's y i felt like flaring up... cos i hate ppl to postpone things last min... n today both my tutee n frens tried to postpone the tuition n meeting, so much so tt i had to cancel my tuition... tired ne
yupz haha will blog when im in better moods...
Thursday, July 13, 2006
God's promises
Read this off a poster in AH, outside one of the isolation rooms...
No title, so i gave it one:
No title, so i gave it one:
______________________
God’s Promises
God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God has not promised sun without rain,
God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God has not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God has promised
But God has promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the labour,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love…
Rest for the labour,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love…
___________________________
How true! :-P nothing much, just wanna share!
Monday, July 10, 2006
Just some tots...
Haven blogged for a long time... just felt like blogging today... let's see if i can finish in a few minutes...
This morning, I was feeling rather stoned& confused. Didnt see a woman pushing a pram trying to ask me to move aside @ the bus stop... another passerby had to tap me on the shoulder... showed how stoned i was.... then later on the bus, just had a sudden flash of these words through my mind:
"Stunned.
Didnt know why i did that, but i did it...
How can I hope to help others when i cant even help myself?
Ashamed.
The inside was rotten...
Now even the outside is starting to rot
Like how my cheese turned blue...
Feel,
Like an apple crumble now."
But much later, while @ AH... i was suddenly awakened by the person I was trying to help... He shared his experiences with me... and i was encouraged greatly.. for he, a person suffering so much physically, had so much faith & conviction... nvr has he given up in seeking God, though he is ashamed of his deeds... "now i pray just thanking... till one day, when the door opens already, i can then communicate with Him"
he didnt know how much this line meant to the one he was talking to... it showed the resilience, the persistence of this person... how strong was his want to change, to seek Him.
He has encouraged this backslider to regain the confidence, to regain tt hunger for Him... I have no suffering & is in fact so blessed... yet i do not even have tt fighting spirit...
N then, went back home n saw DXK's email... a short read, yet succintly hit the note in my heart... yes! I am not to give up!
am now encouraged! No matter what happened, His Love is constant! He is waiting for us to change! N i shld not give up SEEKING, FERRETING for HIM!
God is in control!
Am really thankful & fortunate.... whenever I fall again, there's alw so many others ard me to try to bring me back on track...
Am really thankful!
Still got lots to blog abt... but yups tink me no time lah haha... these few weeks so many things happen... so much tt i wanna say but then cos alw feel b lazy n nvr say le
Feel like a recharged battery now, cept it is bed time!!!
This morning, I was feeling rather stoned& confused. Didnt see a woman pushing a pram trying to ask me to move aside @ the bus stop... another passerby had to tap me on the shoulder... showed how stoned i was.... then later on the bus, just had a sudden flash of these words through my mind:
"Stunned.
Didnt know why i did that, but i did it...
How can I hope to help others when i cant even help myself?
Ashamed.
The inside was rotten...
Now even the outside is starting to rot
Like how my cheese turned blue...
Feel,
Like an apple crumble now."
But much later, while @ AH... i was suddenly awakened by the person I was trying to help... He shared his experiences with me... and i was encouraged greatly.. for he, a person suffering so much physically, had so much faith & conviction... nvr has he given up in seeking God, though he is ashamed of his deeds... "now i pray just thanking... till one day, when the door opens already, i can then communicate with Him"
he didnt know how much this line meant to the one he was talking to... it showed the resilience, the persistence of this person... how strong was his want to change, to seek Him.
He has encouraged this backslider to regain the confidence, to regain tt hunger for Him... I have no suffering & is in fact so blessed... yet i do not even have tt fighting spirit...
N then, went back home n saw DXK's email... a short read, yet succintly hit the note in my heart... yes! I am not to give up!
am now encouraged! No matter what happened, His Love is constant! He is waiting for us to change! N i shld not give up SEEKING, FERRETING for HIM!
God is in control!
Am really thankful & fortunate.... whenever I fall again, there's alw so many others ard me to try to bring me back on track...
Am really thankful!
Still got lots to blog abt... but yups tink me no time lah haha... these few weeks so many things happen... so much tt i wanna say but then cos alw feel b lazy n nvr say le
Feel like a recharged battery now, cept it is bed time!!!
Sunday, May 21, 2006
:-P
Read WB's blog...
well tt's exactly how I felt initially. Prayed to the Lord, n this was what He told me, "Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me." Gen20:6. Wow! As long as we do things with a clear conscience, God will take care of the rest. He will keep you from sinning... No matter what happens, be it a misunderstanding or wat...
N yup, prayed about it earlier today too... n He told me the same thing... then when i got bored of studying... browsed the Net n read WB's blog... felt that He's speaking through WB! WB thanks alot!!!!! hahaha :-P
__________________
Sent this to a friend earlier this week... reflected how i felt a few weeks ago...
"When I am down and O my soul so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until You come and sit awhile with me
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stromy seas
And I am strong when I am on Your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
There is no life no life without its hunger
Each restless heart beats so imperfetly
But when You come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes I think I glimpse eternity."
______________________________
and the following is to share with WB!!!!
"This is no time for fear
This is a time for faith and determinnation
Don't lose the vision here carried away by the motion
Hold on to all that you hide in your heart
There is one thing that has always been true
It holds the world together
God is in control
We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control
We will choose to remember and never be shaken
there is no power above or beside Him we know!
He will never let you down!
and He is still the loving Father
Watching over you and me"
:-P
.............back to mugging...........
well tt's exactly how I felt initially. Prayed to the Lord, n this was what He told me, "Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me." Gen20:6. Wow! As long as we do things with a clear conscience, God will take care of the rest. He will keep you from sinning... No matter what happens, be it a misunderstanding or wat...
N yup, prayed about it earlier today too... n He told me the same thing... then when i got bored of studying... browsed the Net n read WB's blog... felt that He's speaking through WB! WB thanks alot!!!!! hahaha :-P
__________________
Sent this to a friend earlier this week... reflected how i felt a few weeks ago...
"When I am down and O my soul so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until You come and sit awhile with me
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stromy seas
And I am strong when I am on Your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
There is no life no life without its hunger
Each restless heart beats so imperfetly
But when You come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes I think I glimpse eternity."
______________________________
and the following is to share with WB!!!!
"This is no time for fear
This is a time for faith and determinnation
Don't lose the vision here carried away by the motion
Hold on to all that you hide in your heart
There is one thing that has always been true
It holds the world together
God is in control
We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control
We will choose to remember and never be shaken
there is no power above or beside Him we know!
He will never let you down!
and He is still the loving Father
Watching over you and me"
:-P
.............back to mugging...........
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
HmMm...
Haha, guess whenever i blog, it'll mean that i've just finished a CA or exam! yupz here i am again!
Hmmm.. finally the exams are over... However, the uplifting feeling is still not there yet... its unlike other times, when i heave a sigh of relief at the end of everything. Probably cos i didnt study hard enough? Felt less stress this time... nvr really felt urgency even though the exam was near-ended up studying very slowly... not really the best effort, but am quite ok with the outcome... phew!
yupz yupz at least im sure i'd b heading towards the clinics le!!! haha so excited!!! but hope i'd b a steady doc lah! wont poke ppl wrongly!!! haha etc etc etc just wanna be a good doc!!! haha
m watching TV!!! long time nvr watch my serials le. juz like mugging... mug 3 plus hrs of TV le wahahaha... tyired le but still refuse to go slp...
too tired to write anything of good sense... haha kk shall log off!
Hmmm.. finally the exams are over... However, the uplifting feeling is still not there yet... its unlike other times, when i heave a sigh of relief at the end of everything. Probably cos i didnt study hard enough? Felt less stress this time... nvr really felt urgency even though the exam was near-ended up studying very slowly... not really the best effort, but am quite ok with the outcome... phew!
yupz yupz at least im sure i'd b heading towards the clinics le!!! haha so excited!!! but hope i'd b a steady doc lah! wont poke ppl wrongly!!! haha etc etc etc just wanna be a good doc!!! haha
m watching TV!!! long time nvr watch my serials le. juz like mugging... mug 3 plus hrs of TV le wahahaha... tyired le but still refuse to go slp...
too tired to write anything of good sense... haha kk shall log off!
Monday, March 13, 2006
FiNaLly back to BLoGgiNg again
再一次看黄城，
有同样的感动。
再体会那单纯，
再回味那赤心。
一切历历在目，
仿佛没离开过。
世界不停转动，
心仍逗留那刻。
它 —— 已是个烙印。。。
Have not blogged for a long time. Always couldnt really sit down and sort out my thoughts. Always needed a quiet nite when im quite awake... but it nvr happened... had many things to blog on several occasions, but it all fizzled out by the mugging and little sleep that i had...
shall try to recall and blog out several thoughts. impromptu... just wateva comes to my mind
There You'll Be..
hmmm... am still searching... am still trying to reinforce my Faith.
God, thank you for everything...
LIFE
life in itself is an intrinsically complex artwork. No one can comprehend, no one can predict. It is this tt makes life interesting and beautiful. It is this tt makes it so enigmatic and mysterious. It is this tt makes it so colourful and not boring.
there are no right or wrong choices in life. It all depends on how one react upon it and how one take the choices. LIfe is too short to have room for regrets, hence live it to the fullest and enjoy every single moment!
有同样的感动。
再体会那单纯，
再回味那赤心。
一切历历在目，
仿佛没离开过。
世界不停转动，
心仍逗留那刻。
它 —— 已是个烙印。。。
_________________
Have not blogged for a long time. Always couldnt really sit down and sort out my thoughts. Always needed a quiet nite when im quite awake... but it nvr happened... had many things to blog on several occasions, but it all fizzled out by the mugging and little sleep that i had...
shall try to recall and blog out several thoughts. impromptu... just wateva comes to my mind
______________________
PEOPLE
guess time is really a great filter.
The previous few weeks, i saw many different ppl in sch. It is really interesting how sometimes when u noe tt person, but u try to smile and greet em, they react as if they hav not known u at all.
Then there are those whom you dont recall knowing, smiling and waving at you. (well tink its amusing tt they hav recognised the wrong person!) Friends become strangers, and strangers becoming friends. It is sad... that people whom you once could chat with effortlessly, now become people whom u find difficult to even start a conversation. It often end up with a deafening silence, a helpless smile and a pair of fleeting eyes...
lament... seems to be the only thing tt i can do...
_____________________
MEMORIES
guess its the gemini trait... to hav a great sense of nostalgia, even after a long time...
really cherish all the memories i have... good or bad... cos they represent each n every phase of life, reminding me constantly tt i hav a varied and interesting life... that all has been exciting so far, and more excitement and challenges await.
always wanted to write down wateva i think, wateva i do, wateva ppl say... cos each on its own at each point in time, is unique. Like to take pictures. Even more, LOVE to take videos - for it is a real life representation. Always hoped i can put a video cam at the angle of my eyes, so tt i can record everything tt i c, hear, do. and also wat others are doing. den store all these memories and review them when i am free... for each memory will not present itself again. Even if u repeat the same thing with the same ppl, the feeling will just be different.
But many a times, it may because im lazy or too busy to record... end up alw regretting not putting things into video...
i wish to hold on, but i know, i hav to learn to let go......
___________________
LOVE
Hmmm... many ppl ard me are getting attached... haha dun ask me when it's my turn, cos i really dunno. Have not met a person whom i can share my life... in my view, its "love can be just one time, and last for a lifetime" sounds familiar? too cliche? well, tink tt's my firm belief. tt's y im alw hesitant.
my tuition kid was sharing his story tt day... well other than his being a childish infatuation, there are certain things which i can learn from, cos frm wat i said to him, i began to understand the true meaning of love...
but not thinking too much about it, cos believe God will take care of it. If im supposed to be without tt special someone, so be it... not fretting, and definitely not ferreting at this point in time... i just wanna b a good doctor...
_________________
IDEALS
like many other young teens, i've had my share of ambitions and ideals. Had been working hard towards it ever since i set em. Wateva i did in the past - be it CCAs or choice of subjects - have alw been targeted at attaining my goal. but guess for the first time in my life, this motivation and drive have gone... for im not even sure if i can last, not even sure of the steps i hav to take to attain my dream of being a paediatrician. I can alw plan steps and so on, but guess these after many yrs of pushing myself ahead, all the stress has led to me slowing down my thinking and planning. Cos theres a sense of lethargy... i know exactly the steps to take, but though the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak... i will just continue to try to pass at every stage of the MBBS, before looking forward into the future.
for the first time i really dunno where i m headed to
i just pray for His guidance.
_______________________
hmmm... am still searching... am still trying to reinforce my Faith.
God, thank you for everything...
_______________________
LIFE
life in itself is an intrinsically complex artwork. No one can comprehend, no one can predict. It is this tt makes life interesting and beautiful. It is this tt makes it so enigmatic and mysterious. It is this tt makes it so colourful and not boring.
there are no right or wrong choices in life. It all depends on how one react upon it and how one take the choices. LIfe is too short to have room for regrets, hence live it to the fullest and enjoy every single moment!
_______________________
juz some random ramblings...
need to slp le... can still write, and am not tired... but guess i need to get into bed already...
the new day is full of promises
i wish you all the best! Enjoy your day!!! each day is special!
Sunday, February 26, 2006
StoNeD, StUnNed, or What???
There is no excuse. I am simply too appalled at my own behaviour. I could not believe what happened.
Was walking home from celebrating yet another 21st birthday (utterly tired actually, but this is not an excuse), at the zebra crossing, there was a man pushing a wheelchair (of cos with another man sitting on it) and just before they crossed the road, the front wheel brokedown (phew luckily it was not on the road).
here's it
i wanted to help, but the appalling thing was, i DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO!!!!! I just stoned there. I just stood there, wanting to help, but didnt noe how. Many tots ran thru... there was only an intention formulated by the cortex saying "help help help" but there was NO INSTRUCTION saying, "go do this, go do that." i dunno why, it just didnt come. He had difficulty pushing the wheelchair n until now i still dunno wat i shld hav done. The wheelchair was spoilt. but i didnt noe how to deal with a spoilt wheelchair with a person sitting on it.... Is all the mugging making me STUPID????? wat a joke. I took medicine up to HELP ppl. YET, halfway through, after 2 years of studying, i realise i have lost the ability to help. It is the greatest joke of the century. Think u'd hav been shocked if u saw my reaction. Cos i really juz stoned there. I AM UTTERLY ASHAMED OF MYSELF.
i only managed a meek (in chinese) "the front wheel is spoilt" den the person continued desperately trying to push the wheelchair. but its obvious it was not budging n i really didnt noe how to react. cos even if i push it cant move. but i just could not leave them there. So i just stood beside the person.
Also, many thoughts ran thru my mind. "Should I carry the chair? Should I help to push? Should I try to fix the wheel?" etc etc in my mind all in tt few seconds. I was confused. I wanted to help, but couldnt articulate. I think I AM DUMB.
Then, the person on the wheelchair tried to stand up. It dawned upon me suddenly tt he wasn't fully paralysed. but then, he was having difficulty standing up, cos he was trying to push himself up, one hand on the wheelchair handle, another on tt kinda metal walker that support both hands... again i didnt noe how to react... "how do i hold him? if i hold one hand i might push him or he might lose his grip on the stable wheelchair/walker... Is he trying to stand up? Is he trying to adjust? wat does he want to do? does he want to cross the road without the wheelchair?"
in the end he tried to walk across, both hands on the walker (phew, he managed to stand up without falling) den his fren ask him to sit back down on the broken wheelchair.... i was utterly confused, unable to comprehend all these tt happened within 30seconds. tink i am too stupid, reaction too slow... all i could do was put a hand up to try to signal to the car to wait.... THAT WAS ALL I DID. wow how constructive... goodness....
am i really stupid? maimed n paralysed n trapped by all the mugging? n i seem to b mugging wrongly too.... am i to be a regurgitating (albeit erroneous, cos i really cant remember many many things) stone that is incapable of even churning out algorithms like a computer???
hard to accept, but i really cant believe myself even. I was so ashamed, n i really needed to call someone to talk to.... but i could think of no one.... another sudden realisation.... tink i m just a breathing piece of rock, faceless, mindless, motionless, standing alone facing an ultimate stupidity that even computers can solve via their programming. Yet, me, a so called medical student... could do nothing...
At tt point of time after i crossed the road, i was stunned n terribly ashamed... dunno y.... i knew i just could not leave them there like that and had to help but yet i uselessly stood beside them.
i cant really explain wats happening to me. inhibition? stupidity? fatigue? typical sporean attitude? sianed?
but these are simply not excuses...
i dun tink i can forgive myself...
n dun tink i can ever finish mugging... at a rate of 3 lectures / day.... tink i m really stupid... sth is wrong with my brain...
God, please save this stone here...
hai...
Was walking home from celebrating yet another 21st birthday (utterly tired actually, but this is not an excuse), at the zebra crossing, there was a man pushing a wheelchair (of cos with another man sitting on it) and just before they crossed the road, the front wheel brokedown (phew luckily it was not on the road).
here's it
i wanted to help, but the appalling thing was, i DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO!!!!! I just stoned there. I just stood there, wanting to help, but didnt noe how. Many tots ran thru... there was only an intention formulated by the cortex saying "help help help" but there was NO INSTRUCTION saying, "go do this, go do that." i dunno why, it just didnt come. He had difficulty pushing the wheelchair n until now i still dunno wat i shld hav done. The wheelchair was spoilt. but i didnt noe how to deal with a spoilt wheelchair with a person sitting on it.... Is all the mugging making me STUPID????? wat a joke. I took medicine up to HELP ppl. YET, halfway through, after 2 years of studying, i realise i have lost the ability to help. It is the greatest joke of the century. Think u'd hav been shocked if u saw my reaction. Cos i really juz stoned there. I AM UTTERLY ASHAMED OF MYSELF.
i only managed a meek (in chinese) "the front wheel is spoilt" den the person continued desperately trying to push the wheelchair. but its obvious it was not budging n i really didnt noe how to react. cos even if i push it cant move. but i just could not leave them there. So i just stood beside the person.
Also, many thoughts ran thru my mind. "Should I carry the chair? Should I help to push? Should I try to fix the wheel?" etc etc in my mind all in tt few seconds. I was confused. I wanted to help, but couldnt articulate. I think I AM DUMB.
Then, the person on the wheelchair tried to stand up. It dawned upon me suddenly tt he wasn't fully paralysed. but then, he was having difficulty standing up, cos he was trying to push himself up, one hand on the wheelchair handle, another on tt kinda metal walker that support both hands... again i didnt noe how to react... "how do i hold him? if i hold one hand i might push him or he might lose his grip on the stable wheelchair/walker... Is he trying to stand up? Is he trying to adjust? wat does he want to do? does he want to cross the road without the wheelchair?"
in the end he tried to walk across, both hands on the walker (phew, he managed to stand up without falling) den his fren ask him to sit back down on the broken wheelchair.... i was utterly confused, unable to comprehend all these tt happened within 30seconds. tink i am too stupid, reaction too slow... all i could do was put a hand up to try to signal to the car to wait.... THAT WAS ALL I DID. wow how constructive... goodness....
am i really stupid? maimed n paralysed n trapped by all the mugging? n i seem to b mugging wrongly too.... am i to be a regurgitating (albeit erroneous, cos i really cant remember many many things) stone that is incapable of even churning out algorithms like a computer???
hard to accept, but i really cant believe myself even. I was so ashamed, n i really needed to call someone to talk to.... but i could think of no one.... another sudden realisation.... tink i m just a breathing piece of rock, faceless, mindless, motionless, standing alone facing an ultimate stupidity that even computers can solve via their programming. Yet, me, a so called medical student... could do nothing...
At tt point of time after i crossed the road, i was stunned n terribly ashamed... dunno y.... i knew i just could not leave them there like that and had to help but yet i uselessly stood beside them.
i cant really explain wats happening to me. inhibition? stupidity? fatigue? typical sporean attitude? sianed?
but these are simply not excuses...
i dun tink i can forgive myself...
n dun tink i can ever finish mugging... at a rate of 3 lectures / day.... tink i m really stupid... sth is wrong with my brain...
God, please save this stone here...
hai...
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Busy weekend... starting friday
LOL... tink this weekend has been a roller coaster ride for me! Was so busy meeting ppl tt i only slept 5 hrs for 2 consecutive days. n yupz... didnt want to blog, cos was very tired, but tot it'd b good to blog down these memorable happenings this weekend. Cos whenever i told myself i'd blog it later, i'd just conveniently forget, or be too lazy to update it haha!
FRIDAY
it was a tiring friday, as i was busy the previous nite making the present for my aunt, whose birthday was on friday (the 13th, well, it seems everything went well... not much significance though). went to sch abit blur blur, but still alert enuf to realise tt they were releasing one of the CA results! well i did ok, though not as well as everyone else... den wanted to hav a insignificant fri afternoon, until i got a call n found tt there was a clinical trial at NUH, which needed research participants. haha i wasn't interested, until my ears pricked at tt $50 reimbursement! haha so yupz went to the clinic to get 8 injections n 16 skin pricks, (allergy testing for allergic rhinitis) n yupz my wallet was fatter. haha. though the pricks itched!!!!
later went to celebrate my aunt's bday at a vegetarian restaurant... well the food was ok lah, cos every yr u eat the same thing @ e same time of the yr... not tt interesting lahz haha but it was a good get-together for the family. plus, this is the first time since my grandma fractured her leg tt she came outta the hse without her wheelchair. everything was perfect till the flaggin of the taxi. cos my grandma couldnt walk far, so we had to hail a taxi near the restaurant, but there was a bus stop w many buses n double yellow line... well u can imagine, esp when the whole road seems congested. my aunt went further up the road to hail the taxi n ask the driver pick up my grandma (n other aunts) at tt point but the driver overshot!! so he had to REVERSE... oh my... but there was a big bus n lotsa cars behind. v v dangerous. so he could only reverse like 5 m, n my grandma had to struggle the remaining 5m with her metal walking frame. the bus looked threatening, for the driver seemed rather impatient, plus the many cars ard.... precarious. yet my grandma couldnt walk any faster. heaved a sigh of relief when she finally got on the cab.
den went to buy webcam for my fren's 21st bday at sim lim. so ex!!! met up w my sec 4 frens (LHY n PSH aka SHIT haha), talked alot, bought the webcam with the usual bickering n finally settled for some ice dessert at ICE MONSTER, a taiwanese like ice cafe... really shiok! haha esp tt mixed fruit ice dessert n the watermelon+lemon+orange juice tt was in the right proportions! went home later n watched TV till 2...
Saturday
Tiring! woke up at 7. did some housework n cleaned the house... cos 2 monkeys staying over later haha. den rushed off to meet my 3 BMT frens! haha really long time did not meet em. All 3 of them are gg to university of new south wales to study medicine!!! haha n believed it was really very fortunate of them, cos i was the one who found out n brought em tog to meet, so tt at least they noe they'd hav classmates tt they already noe!!! haha spoke to em alot abt medicine, n i was also intrigued n got all excited about their study in Australia... how nice if i was gg together with em. v fun!!! hmm well, shld stop day dreaming lahz haha cos 1) really fortunate to get into nus med, n 2) i really hav no $$$ to spend (eh they were telling me it costs up to S$500,000 for their fees n living expenses there. wow!) n it was really good... reminisced the past n of cos, really nice to meet up with em... all my buddies!
den later went to celebrate UY's bday. hmmm... sometimes really get tired of such meetings, esp when it is such a pain to try to organise it... some more the organisation alw falls on my shoulders. the so called organiser this time was rather CMI lahz n i had to try salvage.... well tink is cos the person was rather unwilling to do it... everythin was rather last min, n even the buying present he turned up late. yupz but qt happy tt we bought him rather nice gifts lahz.... a choker with his name engraved, a cool sunglass (though i noe he wanted a watch, but was too sure if he still has/hasnt gotten one) n well cos of this there was abit of disagreement! oh well... still glad tt he liked his present! n bought a "mini mini" cake. loooks nice!
eh the so called organiser wanted to give a surprise last min n gave all the funny excuses n talk tt was like so duh... making it more (!!-_-) den ever, no more surprises... tink UY was more tired den happy... anw... yah had dinner @ ichiban n in total i spent $47 tt day juz for treating him dinner n present haha so ex.... really no $$ liaoz... all my sacrifice in pricking myself with 24 pricks on fri has gone down the drain... haiz
den went home feeling v v v v v v tired... mopped the floor, ate some durian n watched some TV... before gg on to meet the 2 monkeys (FCW n PJH) at kallang mrt! hmmm but on the way damn suay lorz, stepped on SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! so smeelly! ( haha later i went home n threw away the sandals, cos it was old anw... wanted to throw long ago... a convenient excuse to materialise it!) met monkey 1 FCW @ kallang mac aft his stef sun's concert n he was really exceptionally high. still can jump abt despite leg kena "KIAP" by the bus door haha
den later went over to aljunied mrt to fetch PJH, the number 2 monkey. den we 3 marched on to my hse! haha actually it was qt fun to hav em lahz... i was qt entertained too... cept was qt tired, but didnt slp well... k so i got to slp only 5+ hrs again lorz...
SUNDAY
Yay!!! we won the qualifying round of the "UNIQUELY SINGAPORE AMAZING RACE" haha. tt was y the 2 monkeys stayed over... cos they wanted to check the online clues immed n rush to it!!! haha well the 3rd monkey came over n our team, VIVA LAH VISTA, is finally complete n ready to go!!! haha the starting was abit shaky, cos the clues were given late ( n well the 3 monkeys screamed in excitement once they saw it appearing on the screen) n oso my PRINTER BROKE DOWN when we tired to print out the clues! haha luckily i hav another old printer at home lorz... haha but yupz this shaky start didnt put us down. in fact, we managed to overcome it!!
den rushed to our first destination THE BATTLE BOX @ fort canning park (ps, thanks jialin! for she was our resource person whom we contacted to help us find ans etc! haha) by taxi n haha was there too early. it starts only at 10. waited. picked the tickets n convinced the lady tt we'd b coming later for the show n den RAN. all the way to the nxt station
TRADITIONAL BUMBOAT RIDE, passing by MICA bldg etc... all the way to the tic booth along the spore river! haha den took a very refreshing n relaxing n cool ride to the esplanade, where we ran on to our next station, THE SUNTEC SUMMIT!!!
haha had a breathtaking panoramic view of the landscape n buildings of singapore atop TOWER 4 of SUNTEC CITY!!!! i love singapore!!! its so nice!!! wow everything was so fun!!! only thing was tt i forgot to bring the cam in the midst of the troublesome printing. did a whooosh there ( haha really need to thank the guide cum tic seller, cos the nxt trip was supposed to b 1 hr later but she took us up herself on the spot, so tt we didnt hav to wait haha some more give us discount though she didnt noe whether she was suppose to give haha)
den RAN again to BUGIS JUNCTION where the qualifying race ends, but we hav 2 find their booth. had a feeling it was @ the fountain. well it really is. haha glad tt we made it FIRST!!!! haha any later other grps would hav displaced us it was a close fight!!! (cos 5 min later the 2nd team appeared, plus 3rd team following close behind)
had a fulfillin (but damn fattening... i needa exercise!) lunch a-la-carte buffet at pearl river palace restaurant @ suntec city (aft abt nearly 45 min of deliberation on where to go for lunch haha the usual bickering lahz) . it was really good!!! fd was good, cept the price haha but THANK YOU CHEK WUN!!! for the treat! hahaha though it was a belated birthday treat, but nvrtheless...
made our way back to battle box... made me realise how fortunate i m... no war no nothing. only pure mugging. no torture, no sufferings of war, no famine etc.... really made me cherish wat i hav. n immense respect for those ppl who defended singapore in the WWII. really glad everything is as wat it is now... phew!!!!
yupz v v v tired.... watched tuxedo n more tv, n den decided to blog.... hmmm nearly typed for an hr liaoz... v tired... promised myself to slp early, but yupz i alw nvr keep promises to myself... haiz... hope tml will b a better day!!!
START MUGGING!!!!!
FRIDAY
it was a tiring friday, as i was busy the previous nite making the present for my aunt, whose birthday was on friday (the 13th, well, it seems everything went well... not much significance though). went to sch abit blur blur, but still alert enuf to realise tt they were releasing one of the CA results! well i did ok, though not as well as everyone else... den wanted to hav a insignificant fri afternoon, until i got a call n found tt there was a clinical trial at NUH, which needed research participants. haha i wasn't interested, until my ears pricked at tt $50 reimbursement! haha so yupz went to the clinic to get 8 injections n 16 skin pricks, (allergy testing for allergic rhinitis) n yupz my wallet was fatter. haha. though the pricks itched!!!!
later went to celebrate my aunt's bday at a vegetarian restaurant... well the food was ok lah, cos every yr u eat the same thing @ e same time of the yr... not tt interesting lahz haha but it was a good get-together for the family. plus, this is the first time since my grandma fractured her leg tt she came outta the hse without her wheelchair. everything was perfect till the flaggin of the taxi. cos my grandma couldnt walk far, so we had to hail a taxi near the restaurant, but there was a bus stop w many buses n double yellow line... well u can imagine, esp when the whole road seems congested. my aunt went further up the road to hail the taxi n ask the driver pick up my grandma (n other aunts) at tt point but the driver overshot!! so he had to REVERSE... oh my... but there was a big bus n lotsa cars behind. v v dangerous. so he could only reverse like 5 m, n my grandma had to struggle the remaining 5m with her metal walking frame. the bus looked threatening, for the driver seemed rather impatient, plus the many cars ard.... precarious. yet my grandma couldnt walk any faster. heaved a sigh of relief when she finally got on the cab.
den went to buy webcam for my fren's 21st bday at sim lim. so ex!!! met up w my sec 4 frens (LHY n PSH aka SHIT haha), talked alot, bought the webcam with the usual bickering n finally settled for some ice dessert at ICE MONSTER, a taiwanese like ice cafe... really shiok! haha esp tt mixed fruit ice dessert n the watermelon+lemon+orange juice tt was in the right proportions! went home later n watched TV till 2...
Saturday
Tiring! woke up at 7. did some housework n cleaned the house... cos 2 monkeys staying over later haha. den rushed off to meet my 3 BMT frens! haha really long time did not meet em. All 3 of them are gg to university of new south wales to study medicine!!! haha n believed it was really very fortunate of them, cos i was the one who found out n brought em tog to meet, so tt at least they noe they'd hav classmates tt they already noe!!! haha spoke to em alot abt medicine, n i was also intrigued n got all excited about their study in Australia... how nice if i was gg together with em. v fun!!! hmm well, shld stop day dreaming lahz haha cos 1) really fortunate to get into nus med, n 2) i really hav no $$$ to spend (eh they were telling me it costs up to S$500,000 for their fees n living expenses there. wow!) n it was really good... reminisced the past n of cos, really nice to meet up with em... all my buddies!
den later went to celebrate UY's bday. hmmm... sometimes really get tired of such meetings, esp when it is such a pain to try to organise it... some more the organisation alw falls on my shoulders. the so called organiser this time was rather CMI lahz n i had to try salvage.... well tink is cos the person was rather unwilling to do it... everythin was rather last min, n even the buying present he turned up late. yupz but qt happy tt we bought him rather nice gifts lahz.... a choker with his name engraved, a cool sunglass (though i noe he wanted a watch, but was too sure if he still has/hasnt gotten one) n well cos of this there was abit of disagreement! oh well... still glad tt he liked his present! n bought a "mini mini" cake. loooks nice!
eh the so called organiser wanted to give a surprise last min n gave all the funny excuses n talk tt was like so duh... making it more (!!-_-) den ever, no more surprises... tink UY was more tired den happy... anw... yah had dinner @ ichiban n in total i spent $47 tt day juz for treating him dinner n present haha so ex.... really no $$ liaoz... all my sacrifice in pricking myself with 24 pricks on fri has gone down the drain... haiz
den went home feeling v v v v v v tired... mopped the floor, ate some durian n watched some TV... before gg on to meet the 2 monkeys (FCW n PJH) at kallang mrt! hmmm but on the way damn suay lorz, stepped on SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! so smeelly! ( haha later i went home n threw away the sandals, cos it was old anw... wanted to throw long ago... a convenient excuse to materialise it!) met monkey 1 FCW @ kallang mac aft his stef sun's concert n he was really exceptionally high. still can jump abt despite leg kena "KIAP" by the bus door haha
den later went over to aljunied mrt to fetch PJH, the number 2 monkey. den we 3 marched on to my hse! haha actually it was qt fun to hav em lahz... i was qt entertained too... cept was qt tired, but didnt slp well... k so i got to slp only 5+ hrs again lorz...
SUNDAY
Yay!!! we won the qualifying round of the "UNIQUELY SINGAPORE AMAZING RACE" haha. tt was y the 2 monkeys stayed over... cos they wanted to check the online clues immed n rush to it!!! haha well the 3rd monkey came over n our team, VIVA LAH VISTA, is finally complete n ready to go!!! haha the starting was abit shaky, cos the clues were given late ( n well the 3 monkeys screamed in excitement once they saw it appearing on the screen) n oso my PRINTER BROKE DOWN when we tired to print out the clues! haha luckily i hav another old printer at home lorz... haha but yupz this shaky start didnt put us down. in fact, we managed to overcome it!!
den rushed to our first destination THE BATTLE BOX @ fort canning park (ps, thanks jialin! for she was our resource person whom we contacted to help us find ans etc! haha) by taxi n haha was there too early. it starts only at 10. waited. picked the tickets n convinced the lady tt we'd b coming later for the show n den RAN. all the way to the nxt station
TRADITIONAL BUMBOAT RIDE, passing by MICA bldg etc... all the way to the tic booth along the spore river! haha den took a very refreshing n relaxing n cool ride to the esplanade, where we ran on to our next station, THE SUNTEC SUMMIT!!!
haha had a breathtaking panoramic view of the landscape n buildings of singapore atop TOWER 4 of SUNTEC CITY!!!! i love singapore!!! its so nice!!! wow everything was so fun!!! only thing was tt i forgot to bring the cam in the midst of the troublesome printing. did a whooosh there ( haha really need to thank the guide cum tic seller, cos the nxt trip was supposed to b 1 hr later but she took us up herself on the spot, so tt we didnt hav to wait haha some more give us discount though she didnt noe whether she was suppose to give haha)
den RAN again to BUGIS JUNCTION where the qualifying race ends, but we hav 2 find their booth. had a feeling it was @ the fountain. well it really is. haha glad tt we made it FIRST!!!! haha any later other grps would hav displaced us it was a close fight!!! (cos 5 min later the 2nd team appeared, plus 3rd team following close behind)
had a fulfillin (but damn fattening... i needa exercise!) lunch a-la-carte buffet at pearl river palace restaurant @ suntec city (aft abt nearly 45 min of deliberation on where to go for lunch haha the usual bickering lahz) . it was really good!!! fd was good, cept the price haha but THANK YOU CHEK WUN!!! for the treat! hahaha though it was a belated birthday treat, but nvrtheless...
made our way back to battle box... made me realise how fortunate i m... no war no nothing. only pure mugging. no torture, no sufferings of war, no famine etc.... really made me cherish wat i hav. n immense respect for those ppl who defended singapore in the WWII. really glad everything is as wat it is now... phew!!!!
yupz v v v tired.... watched tuxedo n more tv, n den decided to blog.... hmmm nearly typed for an hr liaoz... v tired... promised myself to slp early, but yupz i alw nvr keep promises to myself... haiz... hope tml will b a better day!!!
START MUGGING!!!!!
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Water water water!!! haha
Wow today was really a watery day! if u're guessing its cos of the rain, well nope. in fact, for the first time after 3-4 days, there was great sun. (well as usual poor med student hav to be couped in the house to stardee, so nothing great abt tt sun) haha but something unusual happened!
it all happened when my brother took a shower in the afternoon n realised that the water flow from the tap was getting smaller n smaller. he merely complained to my mum (note... he didnt realise sth was wrong) haha it was my mum, the experienced lady who sensed something was wrong. immediately after she cooked the dinner, i was summoned to bathe! n den to start filling water into bottles. we started to boil alot of water, to fill all the containers we had for boiled water. (hey albeit the water flow getting smaller every second) then my mum started to say," let's collect water for washing n etc" haha but i argued tt drinking water was more important, so we should continue to fill drinking water.
haha den while we were still arguing n the water was trickling down the container i put there, suddenly we heard the water sounds become very loud. There was a loud gush of water into the container, no more trickling! but it was a big splash of DIRTY, BROWN WATER!!!!!!
hahaha well, i quickly closed the tap, but brown water was splattered everywhere! hahaha den later when we flushed the toilet, everything turned brown. No hahaha its not diarrhoea... its the water
guess wat happened???
wats the cause???
haha only my mum expected it. we all got a shock.... haiz the PUB shld hav sent out notice or warning tt they were gg to clean the water tanks mah.... haiz.... imagine if u're working den only return hse at nite, when u soap urself n open the tap, a rushing gush of brown water pours over u!!!! haiz n no other water supply... wat can u do???? hahahaha some more cos they washing the tank, so the water pressure very high. once u turn on the tap abit, alr like got water spurt liddat... wah the first time i opened i got a shock!
luckily now everything ok liaoz
taught me to cherish the clean water we all have... n how vulnerable we all are without clean water... imagine if it was infected with vancomycin resistant legionella n mycobacterium.... faint....
well yes... tt's telling me to go back to my BOOKS!!!!
y y y do i hav hav hav CA CA CA on on on the the the first first first day day day of sch!!!!! haiz...
all the best to me!
it all happened when my brother took a shower in the afternoon n realised that the water flow from the tap was getting smaller n smaller. he merely complained to my mum (note... he didnt realise sth was wrong) haha it was my mum, the experienced lady who sensed something was wrong. immediately after she cooked the dinner, i was summoned to bathe! n den to start filling water into bottles. we started to boil alot of water, to fill all the containers we had for boiled water. (hey albeit the water flow getting smaller every second) then my mum started to say," let's collect water for washing n etc" haha but i argued tt drinking water was more important, so we should continue to fill drinking water.
haha den while we were still arguing n the water was trickling down the container i put there, suddenly we heard the water sounds become very loud. There was a loud gush of water into the container, no more trickling! but it was a big splash of DIRTY, BROWN WATER!!!!!!
hahaha well, i quickly closed the tap, but brown water was splattered everywhere! hahaha den later when we flushed the toilet, everything turned brown. No hahaha its not diarrhoea... its the water
guess wat happened???
wats the cause???
haha only my mum expected it. we all got a shock.... haiz the PUB shld hav sent out notice or warning tt they were gg to clean the water tanks mah.... haiz.... imagine if u're working den only return hse at nite, when u soap urself n open the tap, a rushing gush of brown water pours over u!!!! haiz n no other water supply... wat can u do???? hahahaha some more cos they washing the tank, so the water pressure very high. once u turn on the tap abit, alr like got water spurt liddat... wah the first time i opened i got a shock!
luckily now everything ok liaoz
taught me to cherish the clean water we all have... n how vulnerable we all are without clean water... imagine if it was infected with vancomycin resistant legionella n mycobacterium.... faint....
well yes... tt's telling me to go back to my BOOKS!!!!
y y y do i hav hav hav CA CA CA on on on the the the first first first day day day of sch!!!!! haiz...
all the best to me!
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Only when its lost, u truly will cherish
I read somewhere... That if not all things were transient, that if not all things would end one day, would not these things be so precious to us... Guess Man is a forgetful lot - everything taken for granted, as if everything will be the same everyday when we wake up. But all it needs one little change in a small detail, it will be drastic...
I must be one who never learns. Many a time when I told myself I had to cherish the things around me, the next moment I will be too preoccupied with something else that i began to take things for granted... Every time I told myself I had to change, but yet I will return to my own comfort zone. Truthfully, I told myself, "That can wait... till I finish this/that" weeks... months... years... passed by yet nothing's changed. everything is uneventful. Sometimes truly it was beyond my control, but what if, I've tried harder? Things might have been different.
This is the third time... The first - it was lost. I looked high n low for it, but it was nowhere to be found. I took solace n comfort, that it probably had gone somewhere, cherished the hope that it had found a better place to live. I was sad, couldn't let go, was looking for it over a week, n resolved by cheating myself... that it had survived n living happily somewhere else... although i knew... i knew... the chances were low. More likely it was all alone, in some dark corner, cold and hungry, slowly withering... going slowly, to the place of no return... And yet i gently allowed it to slip away from my memory, my attention, though it will present itself in my mind at times, as if haunting... I even dreamt about it...
The second - it belonged to a friend. He was in hospital, and i took it home, providing a shelter. A red swelling was discovered, then using my "medical instinct" took some antiseptic, to clean it, hopefully it will be cleared of the infecting germ. The next day, all i discovered was a cold, hard rock. It was then, it was really then, that i began to realise how limited my knowledge was. It was supposed to work well in theory, but i guessed, the dose was toxic, even though i had diluted it ten times. No i had overlooked something... it probably licked. That was it. Things are probably not as it really seems...
The third - well maybe it cannot be considered as the third. Could not remember it was given to me, or was it a replacement for the second. yes it was for the second, for I was filled with remorse. But yes, the friend did not want it. I gave it away... but barely 2 days later came the dreadful sms... I begin to wonder if i really was a jinx...
This is the THIRD, at least, at my house... I knew this day would come. I was counting the days... 2 years... all it had was 2 years... i calculated... 2 years, including the time before i've seen it... so when i realise the time was not to my advantage, i really told myself to take care of it, to play with it to make it comfortable. Love, peace, joy, was all i wanted it to have. At a moment, in my innocence, I even wondered where it will go after 2 years. I thought... I would want it to be heaven, a place where endless love, joy and peace. In my innocence, I began to talk to it, began to comfort it, began to sing hymns to it. but after the exams, i seldom looked at it... just took it out to play. when 2 years was up, i took it for granted. it was as if everything was back to the same. I thought everyday I wake up, everything IS the same. but it IS NOT. week after week, as if almost a ritual - tuition, lessons, mug, exam, watch TV, slack, do housework, nag at my parents, being nagged at in return - a cyclical thing. nothing had changed. only one thing did. TIME. Little have i realised each day, being so precious, has been wasted. I knew it was changing, YET i didnt do anything about it. Probably i thought i had too much time, it had too much time.... but yet once u look back, everything seemed to have passed by so fast, that there is only room for regret. Yet this, will bring us back to the cycle.... nothing will change, except time n there is really no time to be wasted on regret - upon the things that have past, such that it sucks time out of the present. I will not allow myself to dwell upon regret, though it was as if a lightning bolt piercing through my heart. I will continue to cherish... everything around me... (wonder if this is once again yet another empty promise i make to myself.... for all it may turn out, just another means of cheating myself...)
yes it IS gone. just 10 minutes into the bathroom and something has changed. Just a little uproar from my parents, esp my naggy daddy... n now, barely half an hour later, everything is back to same as before. Me on my laptop, my dad half listening to TV, half asleep, my brother reading his book and my mum, forever deep in thought about even the minute things making her so kancheong everytime... regret? i guess so, but hidden well. but i guess, their minds are in a whirl, just like mine...
Pick up the pieces, pick up the emotion and walk back onto life. Only now, with a new experience, with a new perspective... I must change the current situation. I know I will be met with challenges, but I must not give up. He will give me strength. probably this is yet another event He has planned, for my maturity, and to bring me closer to Him.
I will try even harder to bring everyone - those whom i love and those who i dont even know - peace, love, joy! the TRUE peace, love and joy, much better than the earthly indulgences. I have faith - that it is already enjoying the peace love and joy...
not waste precious time, but bring my loved ones to this joy - or i really would live to regret!
how to do it, i really dunno.
Try n that is all i can do...
try
try
TRY!!!
at least, if i tried, i wont regret, perhaps just disappointment!
JOY TO THE WORLD!
THE PEACE HAS COME!!
LET US FEEL THE LOVE!!!
you reading this, feel the love too :-P
I must be one who never learns. Many a time when I told myself I had to cherish the things around me, the next moment I will be too preoccupied with something else that i began to take things for granted... Every time I told myself I had to change, but yet I will return to my own comfort zone. Truthfully, I told myself, "That can wait... till I finish this/that" weeks... months... years... passed by yet nothing's changed. everything is uneventful. Sometimes truly it was beyond my control, but what if, I've tried harder? Things might have been different.
This is the third time... The first - it was lost. I looked high n low for it, but it was nowhere to be found. I took solace n comfort, that it probably had gone somewhere, cherished the hope that it had found a better place to live. I was sad, couldn't let go, was looking for it over a week, n resolved by cheating myself... that it had survived n living happily somewhere else... although i knew... i knew... the chances were low. More likely it was all alone, in some dark corner, cold and hungry, slowly withering... going slowly, to the place of no return... And yet i gently allowed it to slip away from my memory, my attention, though it will present itself in my mind at times, as if haunting... I even dreamt about it...
The second - it belonged to a friend. He was in hospital, and i took it home, providing a shelter. A red swelling was discovered, then using my "medical instinct" took some antiseptic, to clean it, hopefully it will be cleared of the infecting germ. The next day, all i discovered was a cold, hard rock. It was then, it was really then, that i began to realise how limited my knowledge was. It was supposed to work well in theory, but i guessed, the dose was toxic, even though i had diluted it ten times. No i had overlooked something... it probably licked. That was it. Things are probably not as it really seems...
The third - well maybe it cannot be considered as the third. Could not remember it was given to me, or was it a replacement for the second. yes it was for the second, for I was filled with remorse. But yes, the friend did not want it. I gave it away... but barely 2 days later came the dreadful sms... I begin to wonder if i really was a jinx...
This is the THIRD, at least, at my house... I knew this day would come. I was counting the days... 2 years... all it had was 2 years... i calculated... 2 years, including the time before i've seen it... so when i realise the time was not to my advantage, i really told myself to take care of it, to play with it to make it comfortable. Love, peace, joy, was all i wanted it to have. At a moment, in my innocence, I even wondered where it will go after 2 years. I thought... I would want it to be heaven, a place where endless love, joy and peace. In my innocence, I began to talk to it, began to comfort it, began to sing hymns to it. but after the exams, i seldom looked at it... just took it out to play. when 2 years was up, i took it for granted. it was as if everything was back to the same. I thought everyday I wake up, everything IS the same. but it IS NOT. week after week, as if almost a ritual - tuition, lessons, mug, exam, watch TV, slack, do housework, nag at my parents, being nagged at in return - a cyclical thing. nothing had changed. only one thing did. TIME. Little have i realised each day, being so precious, has been wasted. I knew it was changing, YET i didnt do anything about it. Probably i thought i had too much time, it had too much time.... but yet once u look back, everything seemed to have passed by so fast, that there is only room for regret. Yet this, will bring us back to the cycle.... nothing will change, except time n there is really no time to be wasted on regret - upon the things that have past, such that it sucks time out of the present. I will not allow myself to dwell upon regret, though it was as if a lightning bolt piercing through my heart. I will continue to cherish... everything around me... (wonder if this is once again yet another empty promise i make to myself.... for all it may turn out, just another means of cheating myself...)
yes it IS gone. just 10 minutes into the bathroom and something has changed. Just a little uproar from my parents, esp my naggy daddy... n now, barely half an hour later, everything is back to same as before. Me on my laptop, my dad half listening to TV, half asleep, my brother reading his book and my mum, forever deep in thought about even the minute things making her so kancheong everytime... regret? i guess so, but hidden well. but i guess, their minds are in a whirl, just like mine...
Pick up the pieces, pick up the emotion and walk back onto life. Only now, with a new experience, with a new perspective... I must change the current situation. I know I will be met with challenges, but I must not give up. He will give me strength. probably this is yet another event He has planned, for my maturity, and to bring me closer to Him.
I will try even harder to bring everyone - those whom i love and those who i dont even know - peace, love, joy! the TRUE peace, love and joy, much better than the earthly indulgences. I have faith - that it is already enjoying the peace love and joy...
not waste precious time, but bring my loved ones to this joy - or i really would live to regret!
how to do it, i really dunno.
Try n that is all i can do...
try
try
TRY!!!
at least, if i tried, i wont regret, perhaps just disappointment!
JOY TO THE WORLD!
THE PEACE HAS COME!!
LET US FEEL THE LOVE!!!
you reading this, feel the love too :-P
Thursday, December 15, 2005
SIanz
If u all no time pls dun read lahz.... i need to fa xie
today really a stupid day
i really very angry.
today no lesson for everyone, but cos our problem based learning (PBL) tutor had previously shifted our PBL session to today, at CGH, we're the only ones who hav lesson. Alot of them din really felt like gg for the lesson, but they nvr say anything before today.just the usual ramblings of "har no lesson oso muz go" or "CGH so far away" etc Total got 12 ppl.
today's lesson suppose to b 3.30pm. my grp rep sms all at noon to check the attendance (cos the previous time only 3 ppl turned up cos the nxt nxt day got CA). To my horror, only got 3 ppl gg. Me, my grp rep n another one stayin near CGH. k so now the problem of whether to just go or at least inform the doctor of wats happening. So i told my grp rep juz inform the doctor, at least he wont get a shock n at least if possible to postpone to a date when everyone can turn up. I tot this was basic courtesy. u noe wat i mean?
Then grp rep told me it was postponed.
Then nxt i was informed tt the doctor wanted all of us to give a reason y we did not turn up.
nxt, dean's office called the group rep n said we were suppose to see the 2 VICE DEANS on the first day of sch nxt sem, after the CAs.
It barely happened within 3 hrs. That shows the gravity of the situation. The Dean's office had nvr worked with such efficiency.
My fren told me it was sha1 yi1 jing3 bai3.
Now my mama is nagging again. she doesnt understand the situation. she said in chinese "even if the grp rep tell u only got 3 ppl u still turn up! at least the doctor know u the good student." eh turn up n kena marked? kena scolded? turn up when u were told it was postponed by the grp rep, like all previous incidents???
i dunno wat this means, but i noe, if i'm marked for wateva, say specialisations courses or during Viva, i will RETALIATE. if my future is affected, i will RETALIATE. if i ever get a warning letter, i will RETALIATE.
Just wanna be a simple student n graduate to be a good doctor. Hope everything is fine.
I may be fine with anything. But this time i am really angry. How can many of these ppl in my batch be GOOD DOCTORS with their bad attitude n appalling behaviour??? Here i am trying to scrimp and save to see myself thru medical sch but there they are spoiling everything for me.... .... these brats... SPOILT BRATS. how can i ever trust to refer my patients to them???
sianz
today really a stupid day
i really very angry.
today no lesson for everyone, but cos our problem based learning (PBL) tutor had previously shifted our PBL session to today, at CGH, we're the only ones who hav lesson. Alot of them din really felt like gg for the lesson, but they nvr say anything before today.just the usual ramblings of "har no lesson oso muz go" or "CGH so far away" etc Total got 12 ppl.
today's lesson suppose to b 3.30pm. my grp rep sms all at noon to check the attendance (cos the previous time only 3 ppl turned up cos the nxt nxt day got CA). To my horror, only got 3 ppl gg. Me, my grp rep n another one stayin near CGH. k so now the problem of whether to just go or at least inform the doctor of wats happening. So i told my grp rep juz inform the doctor, at least he wont get a shock n at least if possible to postpone to a date when everyone can turn up. I tot this was basic courtesy. u noe wat i mean?
Then grp rep told me it was postponed.
Then nxt i was informed tt the doctor wanted all of us to give a reason y we did not turn up.
nxt, dean's office called the group rep n said we were suppose to see the 2 VICE DEANS on the first day of sch nxt sem, after the CAs.
It barely happened within 3 hrs. That shows the gravity of the situation. The Dean's office had nvr worked with such efficiency.
My fren told me it was sha1 yi1 jing3 bai3.
Now my mama is nagging again. she doesnt understand the situation. she said in chinese "even if the grp rep tell u only got 3 ppl u still turn up! at least the doctor know u the good student." eh turn up n kena marked? kena scolded? turn up when u were told it was postponed by the grp rep, like all previous incidents???
i dunno wat this means, but i noe, if i'm marked for wateva, say specialisations courses or during Viva, i will RETALIATE. if my future is affected, i will RETALIATE. if i ever get a warning letter, i will RETALIATE.
Just wanna be a simple student n graduate to be a good doctor. Hope everything is fine.
I may be fine with anything. But this time i am really angry. How can many of these ppl in my batch be GOOD DOCTORS with their bad attitude n appalling behaviour??? Here i am trying to scrimp and save to see myself thru medical sch but there they are spoiling everything for me.... .... these brats... SPOILT BRATS. how can i ever trust to refer my patients to them???
sianz
Sunday, December 04, 2005
wahahhaha
HEyA!
erhmz guess im too lazy to blog hahahaha LONG TIME no blog liaoz.... some more not gg to properly blog now either cos watching STAR AWARDS! haiz actually realised everytime i blog it sounds negative! hahahaha
so must sound positive!!! wahhahahaha erhmz k i haven bathe.... haven studied even ONE SET OF LECTURE NOTES! chamz lah every day so slack... realised microB alr have 20 over lectures n i haven even started ONE!!!! yet still watching TV!!!! cham la really muz push myself ah
today was my grandma's baptism!!! AM HAPPY!!! (but well, mood was dampened by something, shan't mention it here... but its still 3 to 1...) but am STILL HAPPY!!! ate so much food!!!! n PRAISE THE LORD!
heee heee dunno wat else to say liaoz... cos busy glueing my eyes on the black box... eeee xu zhi an cant sing, n another ten yr awardee cant speak sense, but those Taiwan emcees who came to give away the prizes livened up the mood!
lalalalala
walk one step at a time!!!
erhmz guess im too lazy to blog hahahaha LONG TIME no blog liaoz.... some more not gg to properly blog now either cos watching STAR AWARDS! haiz actually realised everytime i blog it sounds negative! hahahaha
so must sound positive!!! wahhahahaha erhmz k i haven bathe.... haven studied even ONE SET OF LECTURE NOTES! chamz lah every day so slack... realised microB alr have 20 over lectures n i haven even started ONE!!!! yet still watching TV!!!! cham la really muz push myself ah
today was my grandma's baptism!!! AM HAPPY!!! (but well, mood was dampened by something, shan't mention it here... but its still 3 to 1...) but am STILL HAPPY!!! ate so much food!!!! n PRAISE THE LORD!
heee heee dunno wat else to say liaoz... cos busy glueing my eyes on the black box... eeee xu zhi an cant sing, n another ten yr awardee cant speak sense, but those Taiwan emcees who came to give away the prizes livened up the mood!
lalalalala
walk one step at a time!!!
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