Recently, I've been totally heartbroken. And I wonder whether I will recover from it.

I feel shattered.
I feel like humpty dumpty and cannot be put together again.

Like the glass that broke... How do you mend it then?

Numbers 32:6 Shall your brethren go to war while you sit here?

The context is that the children of Reuben and Gad had a lot of livestock and they saw that East of the Jordan, in the land of Jazer and the land of Gilead was a place for livestock. Hence they put forth a request to Moses and all the elders, that they want to be settled here. However during this period of time the children of Israel have yet entered the promised land which is on the other side of Jordan. Moses were concerned that they would want to just leave the children of Israel and be settled by themselves in Jazer and Gilead. However the Reubenites and Gadites promised that they will house their livestock and women and children in Jazer and Gilead, but the men will continue to war with the rest of children of Israel until they reached the promise land in the land of Canaan. They, however will have their inheritance in Gilead and Jazer and not in the promised land. 

What impacted me was the commentary in Revival Study Bible on this verse, written by Charles Haddon Spurgeon: 

"The Reubenites and Gadites would have been unrotherly if they had claimed the land which had been conqurered, and had left the rest of the people to fight for their portions alone. We have received much by means of the efforts and sufferings of the saints in years gone by, and if we do not make some return to the Church of Christ by giving her our best energies, we are unworthy to be enrolled in her ranks. Others are combating the errors of the age manfully, or excavating perishing ones from amid the ruis of the fall, and if we fold our hands in idelness we have need to be warned lest the curse of Meroz (Judges 5:23) fall upon us The toil of devoted missionaries and fervent ministers shame us if we sit sitll in indolence. Shrinking from trial is the temptation of those who are at ease in Zion: they would fain escape the cross and yet wear the crwon. If the most precious are tried in the fire, are we to escape the crucible? Why should we be treated better than our Lord was? It is a cowardly pride which would choose a downy pillow and a silken couch for a soldier of the cross". 

WOW. 

Missionaries and Revival

Came across this paragraph while surfing today:

"The reason why so many missionaries saw revival is because they were fully committed and surrendered to the will of the Master. They knew the Holy Spirit as a Person and had a deep intimate communion with the Father through His Son Jesus Christ. They were men and women of prayer, hardened prayer warriors, many of whom had been inspired by the revivals of the past and had a hope for the future. They did not limit God and knew His all sufficiency, His all powerful compassionate nature, the One who is only too willing to quench him who is thirsty and to pour out His Spirit on a dry and thirsty land, because He has no pleasure in the death of the wicked and has stated that He will pour out His Spirit on all flesh. Some missionary pioneers paved the way for future revivals by their toil, intercession and blood, through martyrdom by the natives, death by disease or deprivation in the Master’s service."

Amen

Sobering

Sobering Message

 Full Length:

Faith

"Faith produces. Where there is nothing, faith creates. Where there is no way, faith makes a way." - Dr Brian Bailey

Bottom Line

Read this paragraph and it had such an impact:

"The bottom line truth is that life is not supposed to work without God at the centre. Those who try to do so - even Christians - can maintain only an artificial facade of hope and satisfaction. The grim reality is that the emptiness of life without God at the centre pushes itself to the consciousness once again when the music stops, the drugs wear off, the eroticism fails, the fashions grow old, the relationships disappoint, the accomplishments fade, and the thrills subside. They are left to themselves, and the emptiness for most people is too much. Instead of crying out to God for light, however, they dive back into their activities, mainlining the anaesthesia of their endless pursuits to dull the pain of their empty souls. Such is the picture of man without God at the centre - even believing man who isn't seeing God in new and fresh illuminated truths through the Spirit of God."

How much do you love?

Recently, there is this recurring thought in my mind. I guess God is trying to teach me something, yet I cannot fathom.

Love is when you're able to take time off for the person in front of you and see the precious person behind the physical appearance and behaviour. Love is willing to let your schedule be disrupted for the stranger you see on the roadside.

Can I really love like that? As i reflected upon myself, i find myself too selfish, loving myself so much more than the people around me, let alone the stranger that passed by.

Yet God's love is like that, and even more.

And it is by the grace of God that one is able to love like that. This is compelling love. Love compels you so much that you'd do things that you don't normally do. Yes, there is only so much to human love. Yet, by the grace of God, we're able to love like He does.

Teach me how to love, Lord.

Teach me how to see beyond the irritating, disruptive, agitated person. Teach me how to see beyond the tight schedules and deadlines to meet. Teach me how to stop for the person by the roadside. Teach me how to love and expect no returns. Teach me how to love people so much that I do not care about how people look at me. Teach me how to hug the smelliest, ugliest, angriest persons, to see how precious each of them are in your eyes.

Teach me how to love, oh Lord.

Beyond the disgusted face, beyond the murderous eyes, beyond the curses and swearing, beyond the threats and anger.

Teach me how to counter attack. My only weapon being love.

If You want to put me out there, You've gotta teach me the true meaning and expression of love...

To Love Like You Do...

Photos...

I must say, facebook is an interesting invention.

Although I've not uploaded any photos before other than the profile pics, i realised that I've been tagged in 200 plus photos. So today, I've decided to look through all these photos.

How i wish that facebook could be invented earlier! Then, I would have more photos to look at.

face it, no matter how much of a photo enthusiast you are, you will not be able to take photos of all the places you've been to, the people you've met. The collection of photos that you and your friends share would complement each other and give everyone a more comnplete picture.

And interestingly, how all the closest people to me are not captured ha.

As i browsed through the photographs, fond memories are brought back. I have a sudden impulse to gather all my friends and meet and talk to them one by one! How the "work" excuse has separated all of us.

There is such a warm fuzzy feeling when i look through all these photos.

All my friends, really miss you guys!

Random, really random.

Random thoughts... really random. No connection. Ignore me.

I live by the grace of God. :P
Currently suffering from the pre call blues. It shall be a good call.

Leaving this quiet, cold place; slightly nostalgic.
Tired, for don't know what reason. Shall shut that caffeine out whenever i need a night's rest. Then again, caffeine usually does not have effect on my sleep.

Private, yet exposed.
So many people are looking, yet you don't know who.

Does this run from the thoughts of a depressed person? No.
Yet it may appear so.

Happy times, interesting times, challenging times, sad times, worrying times, unnerving times.

I need His strength, His peace.
I need Him.

Learn to be in His presence.

It is only His standards I will try to achieve, no one else's matters.

The redness is coming back, i can really see the connection between the physical and the spiritual.

He that controlleth his tongue controlleth his whole body. I know why my body's not under control. I need to control my tongue.

just some random update :P

writing this on notepad. Easy to guess where I am. Kind of like this place. It can get crazily busy (5 in one afternoon), but sometimes, you do get a break. Like now. Its a quiet, isolated corner, far away from all the other busy places. True that sometimes you feel helpless cos you're the only one around. Yet sometimes you prefer to be alone. It didn't appear to be a great place to be at in the first place. I was getting used to the other place, getting used to my lovely seniors, and then came the news: one of you will have to be transferred to THAT place. Of course, being stuck with someone who already blatantly says he would not want to go, left me stuck. I just went ahead, since someone must go anyway. First day it was full of apprehension, not knowing what to expect. First thing that greeted me when i came in through the doors was hostility. "Please put on the gown!" I hurried to put them on. Was thinking if i were to be with my stern looking senior rounding every day and kena quizzed - sends shivers down my spine.

As the days went by, though it was busy like any other place, sorta enjoyed it much more cos i was with a familiar and nice senior, and my stern senior turned out to be really nice and caring, though her ways are really weird and unpredictable. Then things turned much better, made friends with the nurses, got to do exciting things like CVP insertion, nice nice seniors etc etc.

Looking out there's great scenery and really gives you a sense of peace. :P Don't mind staying here for the next 2 months (though i really think its impossible) with my nice nice senior ne! Haha we can be specialists man. We can predict who's positive and who's not. Especially those that i pre discharge usually turns out positive! :P

And still trying to be in His presence every moment, even during work!

Roller Coaster

Only slightly more than half of this year has gone, yet I feel as if much more has happened this year than any other previous year combined. Haven't really put a finger down or settled my thoughts, but I guess I won't have much of a chance to do so. Realised that I should really keep a diary, cos certain events, once its past, the details of which starts getting eroded off my memory.

Yet, at the same time I feel that certain events should not be spelt out explicitly on such a public space. Yet, other than my sermon diary, the only other place where I write something is here. My sermon's diary not that detailed too. often miss out many things!

So far the year has been that of a Roller Coaster ride. Many ups and downs. There're events that will make you scream your heart out when you plunge down from the top, yet there're events that will make one ride peacefully up to the top. Yet, like on the roller coaster you feel safe no matter what, as you know that no matter how fast or deep you plunge, you're safe, you know that you're strapped tightly to the vehicle. I feel safe because I know God has strapped me tight in the vehicle.

There are times of rest, times of stress; times of joy and times of sorrow. Yet behind all these, I'm joyful as I know God is carrying me.

2009. A significant year indeed. Many of my firsts in my life has happened. There's still another 40% before this year's over. I shall see how the ride continues to be... I do hope that the ride will turn peaceful and less bumpy.

Swimming

Looking back, these 2 weeks have been so different from my 'normal (or rather usual) life'. Yet, this is the 'normal life' that I will be having for the rest of my life.

I don't think I can ever be what I really am ever again. Or it might take many years.

The transition is so abrupt, that I almost have no time to make adjustments. I've been pushed into the pool where I am left to keep afloat, on my own. No longer am I sitting by the pool watching others swim and cheering them on. Now I am the one pulling every stroke, using every means to keep my head above the water.

Each weekend or half day is like a breather, to catch my breath, before i immerse my head into the water to try to swim.

The pool seems to have no end. It merely stretches on further and further.

I am still not used to the heavy chlorinated water that tries to hide its stale, murky, polluted state. I hope I can get used to its smell fast, before it overwhelms me and I sink down forever.

Occasionally there are small floats for me to grab hold of, to rest my tired legs. I truly appreciate these floats, but I am still panting from trying to keep afloat.

Yet, I know I am not alone. Daddy is swimming alongside me, providing small floats along the way. He will not get me a sampan and pull me up into it. But He will stay with me, till i complete the race... He puts salt into the pool so that I may float, so that I will not drown. He swims along to show me that I can do it too.

Daddy gives me the true water to quench my thirst

Daddy, I know sometimes i might swim away from the school, but you will never fail to search across all oceans when i get lost, just to bring me back with everyone else.

Thank you Daddy.

P/S: I am a swimming mosquito. I love it when I see red now and I hate it when no matter how many times i try to poke, I can't see any red. I can only create itchy spots, which don't get me the redness that I need. I get frustrated when I don't see red...

I...

I am tired.

I have also learnt, that some things are better left unsaid, that you can only reveal to that inner circle. Those not of the circle, a leak will lead to dire consequences. Just imagine the ova being penetrated – the whole ova is changed. You have double the DNA, double the worries, double the growth. A parable is a parable. Speak in parables. Only those of the circle will be able to understand. Wow.

I am tired.

I knew it could be like this, but I really can’t help but feel frustrated. I didn’t know it could be that frustrating. Sometimes you really hate yourself for being less nimble, less efficient, for always being so indecisive. It seems also, that whatever you learn in school seem to disappear overnight, especially after those 4 unrestful weeks.

I have learnt.

That interpersonal relationships are really not as I thought. That even though you might try your best but it is not enough. In fact you feel inadequate.

I have learnt.

That though I should not really complain, complaining sometimes help you relieve some of that trapped feeling in you. That uncomfortable feeling, that feeling as though you’re out of breath. Complaining does help to relieve that cloud of smoke in your chest.

I love what he said.

“I don’t encourage politicking. Eventually in politics, you have to compromise. Somewhere you have to compromise. I don’t like to compromise.” Yet, “If I see something that will or can affect future generations, if a government policy goes in a direction that can have a detrimental effect on our society, I think it’s important for me as a concerned citizen, perhaps as a pastor too, to stand up and say this is not right.”

I love what He says.

And I want to be listening. Not missing out. Even when its so busy everyday.

I am sweating.

Everyday, the weather is causing me to lose water, to weaken me, to making me tired. I can’t do a procedure without sweating until it drips others’ hand. Sigh.

I am not sweating.

When it always rains just when I want to go to work. Finally got sponsorship to take taxi today (ha!) cos I was really tired and it was really too wet. Yet, once I go to work and the day starts,

I am sweating.

Whenever i try to rush. Whenever i feel slow. Whenever i feel everything is out of control. Whenever i feel frustrated. Whenever they tremble and i miss that red thing.Whenever the phone rings. Whenever i see that someone tried to call me in the middle of the night, for fear I've done something wrong or caused someone to go off.

Perhaps there isn’t a place where I can record things without being scrutinized…

Perhaps…

Well aware

Guess this is a hot topic all over Singapore. Doesn't matter if I do not put my few cents worth on my homepage, I'm sure there are others with similar opinions. But i felt a need to summarise the pertinent issues...

In my own view, the main cause of the whole saga, is in fact, the old Singaporean mentality - lack of concern over issues not concerning us, even when we are members. Let me give you an analogy using every day example - a situation that is present even in the schools. It is time to elect the executive committee of a CCA, say Chinese Orchestra. So many members did not turn up, either they're "busy" or simply, cannot be bothered. Therefore, only those who're genuinely interested turn up. Notice that how most eager beavers are friends with eager beavers and how the "slack" or apathic ones stay out. (birds of the same kind, ya?) so these eager beavers that turn up naturally will vote for eager beavers which they know (hello, surely you won't vote for a stranger if you can help it) and so most of the executive committee elected are eager beavers.

Now the slack ones come along and realise that they have no slack people in the exco, so they make a big fuss about it. (imagine a friend you don't really like gets elected, you'd start talking about them, expressing your discontent, smearing their names) Most times, these slack people only talk, don't do much. But once you do something which they cannot stand it, like on issues that they're not open about, you're triggering the time bomb, for these people then will not see the whole issue, not see how they've irresponsibly given up their chance and right as a member to vote and cry foul. so they rope in their friends to join in and help them tear down the whole exco. They've got more new members, that's how they won. They've joined not because they are interested in helping others through their CCA, but they cannot stand certain viewpoints put forth by individuals of the exco.

Simple as that. So who're the ones then who're usurping? The newly elected exco or the members who didn't turn up?

So now the journalist comes along and sees this is a news-worthy thing. So he/she sensationalises certain facts that they know will stir the readers. Notice how certain issues naturally surface - the hotter issues - like religion (like hello, this is something that stirs everyone, from the first man till now), homosexuality, racial issues. The issues that segregate. Where are the issues about the abused women, the incomplete families, women's rights. (ha, tongue in cheek question - how about women in NS?) Why don't the ones who make so much noise ask the new exco what they have in mind for these issues? Is it really necessary to keep on highlighting the fact that these women came from the same church and put them in a light that as if they were trying to do something bad? The journalist knows how to tweak their words to imply what they want to imply and people believe everything they hear as gospel truth.

And to have 2700 new members (9 times that of the original) voting for the exco, would you be confident that whoever they've elected are really up to the mark? Come on, you just sign up outside the AGM venue, you don't know how the organisation works, you've not seen what their committee's doing, you listen to sensationalised news and you vote, thinking your choice is right? And so after this saga, you're not going to fulfill your responsibilities and right as a member and continue to let the select few run the show as they deem fit.

So how have things changed before and after the saga? Nothing. Only hype and ugliness of women (and men) shown.

You join because you don't agree to the xyz view of these people. You join not because you want to help those who're in need, but join because you wanted to "prove" your view is "right" or rather, more popular. Victory is yours, but is it really a victory?

It is true that this saga came about also partly due to how the way people behave and do things. These eager beavers were too eager to do what they aspire to and forgot that change needs time. Yet, if we look to the root and cause, it is nothing more than the juvenile primary school kid reply, "I don't friend you."

Crying foul when you lose isn't quite the right way to go.

Perhaps, after writing this, many will blast this page, but this is my personal viewpoint on the matter. I may not be correct, but i don't think i should be persecuted for my views. (Eg much as i don't agree to what Jackie Chan said about Chinese and singaporeans, i definitely do not think people should issue death threats. Can people just be less juvenile?)

Note that I am not saying this because of the issues involved, or my faith, or my affiliated institutions. Rather i feel that as adults we have to act in a less juvenile way...

By the way, just read Dr Lee Wei Ling's comment in Sunday Times again. I wonder, what's her view on this saga? perhaps, she might share my sentiments! Ha!

Hmph

Hmmm guess the past few weeks had been nothing short of drama-mama. Will blog all about it, after my comp gets fixed. (now using my bro's comp for everything) Guess God has a plan and everything which I've gone through, I'm glad He's been there for me. He has planned every move, every step that I take. I know He will answer my prayer - no matter what it takes, to fulfill His purposes that He has for me. Probably this Friday will be a short full-stop to all the drama, yet it is but the start of another phase of drama for me...

Will I be that righteous, faithful servant that will stand before Him on judgment day and He gives me a pat on the back? I hope, I wish, I pray for that.

You map my paths, I will just follow You, yeah? No matter what it takes, no matter what it takes.

Praise Him in the Storm

Allow me to be weak for a minute...

probably this is the only avenue...

i'm trying to study but nothing goes in...

everything else that i studied before, is suddenly so foreign

i feel like crying, yet i cant

its no one's fault, really.

I need to learn how to control my emotions.

Never expected this, but yes.

Yet, I will still praise Him in the storm...

He will see me through...

Amazing God

As i reflected upon the friends I have who've been born again, I just realised how He takes into consideration of each of our character and appeals and puts us into different denominations... Can see His purpose / idea slowly form in the lives of these people. Each one of us are called to contribute to His kingdom in a different way, for the same purpose.

I started off from an Evangelical background, but i guess i've grown much closer to Him now, in a Pentecostal church. Through this i've seen how important that we walk into His purpose. When we 'reach' one stage, THEN the next stage begins. We are all called to different denominations, different roles in each church. Though i'm still not exactly sure of the reason I'm in a Pentecostal church, i can see things slowly form and take place in my life...

No matter what denominations we're in, it is still the same God we worship, the same kingdom we contribute to. Just that the way we do things might be abit different - eg worship.

And yes, He is still in the process of "cleaning me up" for that "big day", and i want nothing else but a pure heart, to emulate Christ - spotless and clean. No gray zones. Only pure white. So white that it IS light in darkness.

Nothing but the best.

Amazing.

His Grace is sufficient

Indeed. Without Him, I will be nothing. It all goes to Him. Not me. That's all for the day's events. Grace - something which is given to you when you do not deserve it. Indeed.

Rested awhile, read this passage in Luke 22. Will just post it here, its about the night of the arrest of Jesus. Many things struck me about the passage.

Luke 22:39-53
39 Coming out, He went to the Mount of Olives, as He was accustomed, and His disciples also followed Him. 40 When He came to the place, He said to them, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation.”
41 And He was withdrawn from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and prayed, 42 saying, “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” 43 Then an angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him. 44 And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.
45 When He rose up from prayer, and had come to His disciples, He found them sleeping from sorrow. 46 Then He said to them, “Why do you sleep? Rise and pray, lest you enter into temptation.”

47 And while He was still speaking, behold, a multitude; and he who was called Judas, one of the twelve, went before them and drew near to Jesus to kiss Him. 48 But Jesus said to him, “Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?”
49 When those around Him saw what was going to happen, they said to Him, “Lord, shall we strike with the sword?” 50 And one of them struck the servant of the high priest and cut off his right ear.
51 But Jesus answered and said, “Permit even this.” And He touched his ear and healed him.
52 Then Jesus said to the chief priests, captains of the temple, and the elders who had come to Him, “Have you come out, as against a robber, with swords and clubs? 53 When I was with you daily in the temple, you did not try to seize Me. But this is your hour, and the power of darkness.”

Reflections on this:
No matter what, God will not leave you. He will send His angels to strengthen you, to give you the provision to achieve what He has in mind for you. So fret not. Angels will carry you through!

And Jesus was so full of love that He did not even when He knew He was going to die. The people around Him could not hold their temper. When surrounded, they were thinking of fighting out. Yet Jesus did not. Throughout His life, He held true to God's principles. Lived by them no matter what the circumstances turn out to be... Be it during your worse mood, worse circumstance, worse experience. We all have a duty to continue to live like He does. Something which I must confess that I am still learning. As i reflect on how i get short tempered when the stress builds up and caring nothing else besides studying... i guess it is a good time for me to check myself and change...

His Grace is sufficient

Mum

My mum is incredible. I must say this, even though i'm just hours away from that clinicals.

I really am amazed by what she can do. Ha. She walked right into another person's house uninvited and brought my aunt along. Ha she saw some renovations going on at granny's neighbouring unit and walked right into it, greeted the workers, as if she was the owner and looked at the renovations for the WHOLE HOUSE. she didn't even know the owner lah. All in the name of curiosity and looking at others' house design...I really amazed at what aunties do... How i wish i have the time to do that too!

She really never fail to amuse me with the unexpected things that she can do...

Unique i must say. (or probably all aunties are like that?)Ha, yes i'm also frequently amused by how other aunties behave! Ha we'd see how my generation will turn out when the gals start to be "aunti-fied" ha. They might fare even "better"! Hee

101

Ok, this is my 101th post! interesting! didn't even know I had reached the 100th mark

Anyway, found this interesting. Took a break from studying. Ha this guy makes quite good videos. abit lame sometimes but rather entertaining. watched some others. will post 2.





Bleah back to studying!

btw, here's a rather hmmm DISTURBING video to some.... haha why am i always looking at these kinda things. Ha so ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE A STRONG HEART SHOULD WATCH!

well, even cats can be T____ TR_____. Wonder who's the one here.

Struggling...

As I'm struggling to memorise all that I can, discouraged when the facts escape me, I don't think I can use the word "struggling" when i see the following video.



Brace up, dude! You have to cross this barrier to go on to other things!

P/S: no matter how much Paeds I've studied, when I saw the video, I didn't know how to react...

Gross

Disclaimer: The following account is highly graphic and disturbing. Strong language is used. Pregnant ladies, children, those above age of 65 and those with heart problems, please STOP HERE. Do not continue reading... Forgive me for the medical jargon too, as it is indeed too near MBBS

***

"SHIT," I thought in my heart as i entered the lift.

NO I AM NOT SWEARING. I am only describing what I saw...

The day started off as usual, but little did i expect it to be a black gold day. I left my house in a dreamy state, but as i approached the staircase, i nearly stepped on the 2 small finger sized piece of black, dryish poo. My heart raced and adrenaline was released almost immediately, as I managed to open my eyes and react in time to pull my leg away. Phew! "Ok, nothing much, cool. Must be the neighbour's dog. He'd clean it off later," I thought.

So i resumed my sleepy state and walked slowly towards the corridor, towards the lift. The lift door opened, i proptosed. (eyes popped out) I nearly became thyrotoxic. My eyes had opthalmoplegia for i could not take them off those things and i was no longer sleepy. I tiptoed into the lift, making sure i don't land my precious shoes on any of those THINGS.

I can think of several reasons why i went into the lift anyway.
(1) rushing for time
(2) well, ok, I AM immune actually. I mean i've seen more bodily discharge and waste in the hospital for the past 3 years. the smell wasn't as bad as malaena and i guess my allergic rhinitis finally helped me.
(3) It was really interesting. Had i not been on the phone with my brother, I'd have an OSSE picture for future med students...

So short case on those THINGS:
There were at least 10 of them strewn over the floor, arranged in an irregular, haphazard manner, but of a general circumferential shape. I'm sorry examiner I didn't count exactly how many were there, as it was generalised, all over the floor. All were discrete lumps except for 2 which coalesced and was on top of each other. The largest estimated to be about 15 cm in length, 2-3cm in diameter, cylindrical in shape, brown colour, (not pale and not black, sticky) and no blood on top of or mixed with them. Generally, they're of the same calibre and size as mine, or even bigger. I do agree that it might not seem very professional to use a personal reference BUT i have to determine the ORIGIN of these lumps. It is likely to be from a fellow homo sapien.

A further diagnostic point is that these lumps were surprisingly not all heaped in one pile but found discretely.

The lumps (inferred) were firm in consistency (as they had a fixed shape, size and volume) with no surrounding fluid discharge.

Diagnoses I can infer in this homo sapien:
1) Healthy - no gastrointestinal bleeding, no obstructive jaundice, no gastroenteritis
2) Good nutrition - there were at least 10 lumps, so i guess he had a big meal the night before.

I would like to complete my examination with a psychiatric assessment and geriatric assessment to rule out any incontinence or dementia.

Do not ask me further questions, my dear examiner, I am incapable of answering you for I CANNOT COMPREHEND WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING IN THE LIFT! It has to be intentional for I do not know of any individual who'd move his buttocks over several areas to deposit those lumps, instead of just staying in one position.

***

It really bothered me, not because the nature of the lumps but what is really happening in my block of flats. This is not the first time there are faeces in the lift, albeit this IS the most massive and major attempt. There has also been an increasing number of times when early in the morning i use the lift, there is a puddle of URINE in the lift. (And it is always in the morning!)

I really sympathise with the cleaner. I really don't know how he can take it. He is the foreever cheery kind of person, always so friendly. He brightens us up every morning as he greets everyone he meets with a chirpy "Good Morning!" I dared not ask him about the urine and the faeces. Oh man, he must be hating his job. In fact, he has been demoted to be a toilet flusher. Somebody actually treats him as the toilet!!!! Oh man! Even the cheeriest person can become depressed! COS IT IS NOT JUST ONCE BUT CHRONIC RECURRENCE.

***

So I posed this question to my family and ended up in a heated debate.

"WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU PRESS THE LIFT BUTTON AND YOU SEE SOMEONE DEFAECATING IN FRONT OF YOU?"

Someone said, "what can you do, just treat as you never see and walk away" I was like "WHAT???"
"it'd be worse if you get involved and he gets crazy and punch you or worse still throw faeces at you right?"
!@#$%^&*((*&^%$#@@............

Another one said, "that is the same as a flasher la! of course i'd scream and shout molest or something"
erps. ok.

So, what would YOU do?

Social justice, yes or no?

But seriously, what can you really do? I don't think the police should be used for such crap unless it really gets above the threshold level. The town council won't be able to help. The cleaner has no choice but to continue clearing.

SIGH

But hmmm I guess I'd be loss for words, then ask him why he does that and ask him not to do it again, for everyone's sake. But if he can do such a thing, will he listen to you???

SIGH

But i guess things would be different if they looked like this:

Choices

I'm not sure whether it is "giving up" or truly "peace" or not even having the sense of emergency for impending doom.

I guess its peace. There are many things i dunno and there are many things i forget. Yes, and I don't think I profess to become smart overnight. So I just have to make do with what I have ie me and my brain and leave everything else to Him.

Truly, whenever I tell others that I'm not that smart, they dun believe me. I guess its a matter of comparison. I came in knowing i do not have the perfect memory and would be much better off doing something else and not struggling like this. Yet, I chose this. Ask me whether I want to remove my feet from this? I guess I'm too far in the mud to lift off my legs and run off somewhere else... Don't know whether I made the right decision initially but now I'm stuck with this decision. Many times I tot I might really be happier and better off doing something else. I'd have more time to do the things i really love, to spend time with God etc etc.

Yet, I guess this is the path He wants me to take, for whatever reason. So I just trust that He will provide me with the necessary to fulfill this. Learning to trust Him and not give up.

Maybe all these comes out when you're feeling groggy and doped from the antihistamines. having slept for the past nearly 24 hours due to this irritating nose and aches makes you even more groggy.

How I wish my brain had terabytes of space. gigabytes already enuf. My comp stores so many things from M1 to M5 and its enough. My comp has so many images, algorithms and its so easily retrievable. I hope my brain is able too...

***

Sharing - sharing with someone from the same background makes it easier. Yet, sharing to someone from a different background keeps you in check and not let you go into the comfort zone.

***

Hmmm so what shall be my choices?

Commitment, CNY

Sunday's service touched on evangelism, to be the labourers of God, for the harvest is ripe. Guess the song "From Ashes to Beauty" by The Vine Band, which we sang on that day epitomizes the whole message.

Overwhelmed actually, not sure how to put it across. But just wanted to share the song with everyone... :P

Happy Chinese New Year! Wasted the entire weekend. Promised myself to study, in the end, couldn't really do it and just gave up and went visiting despite telling myself i won't go visiting much this year... I guess... cos its tradition? And probably the last proper CNY before work starts. Come to think of it, when work starts, I'm sure one of the 3 days (reunion dinner, CNY1 or CNY2) or if not more, will be spent @ the workplace. So yups, giving myself some slack this time round. But the happiest CNY i've ever had was last year's! Post-exam CNY! Play like i never did. Had full interaction with my cousins! Ha, but this year, didn't really have the mood to mix around...

Whatever, Geri's next, then Ortho and MBBS in 6 weeks!

Mixed mix mixing!

Haven been posting alot these days... The reason's obvious. Less than 2 months to IT. Feelings are mixed, stress is mixed, peace is mixed. Even the mood is wrong. Drawing close to Him and then moving away... the cycle goes on. Find it difficult, but i guess i have to try. How to be like Jesus in the midst of all these things. Of course, Jesus wouldn't have needed to study medicine, but i guess is the approach, yah?

Got lots of encouragement these days, yet sometimes being torn apart by these. Hmmm shall post more when i really have the time... Am typing this when my eyes are seeing double... yes, all cos the strabismus comes whenever i'm tired or not actively controlling it! (Ha just realised this strabismus has been with me for so long that I dun find it a "disease" etc, like one that needs healing by Him kind. Which shouldn't be the case! haha)

Interesting

k the 1st part is crap. anw, i realised that yesterday was the 12th day of Christmas! (yes, as the song sings... haha ya i know there's no such thing... but still...) Ha didn't realise ne! And its was my fren's bday! So every year he is celebrating his birthday and the last day of "Christmas" together!!! How cool rite! haha and today's the 13th... well yes i told you its crap...

but oh wells, here's a simple but rather nice video. Just wanna share!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

(the following are but my own humble opinion, I may be wrong)

What does this day mean to you?

In my own opinion and going in terms of descending number of people:

Public Holiday
Post-party
Party
Spending time with family and friends
Exchanging presents
Fun
Year End break
Love
Love of God
Reflection of the year’s events and getting right with God

It is the one of the few public holidays that almost everyone celebrates (after New Year I guess). Not everyone celebrates Deepavali or Chinese New Year.

What comes to your mind straightaway when I mention Christmas? It actually reflects what is in your heart. Shall elaborate on this awhile later…

Jesus
Cross
Church
Christmas tree
Santa
Snow
Presents
Party
Red, Green
Fun, Laughter
Love, Joy, Peace
Booze, Fights, Drunkenness, Smoke

Walked down Orchard Road (my usual habit) the other day and took photos of the brightly lit roads and buildings. Saw many performances and took lots of videos. Yet, as I was walking down, past countless people, amid all the holiday mood, I felt less of the holiday mood than previous years. Well, you could say its cos of the final exams. That could be a contributing factor, but there’s something inside me that felt the emptiness in the air, the facades behind the faces of people… Loom and gloom of the current financial climate? Could be, but yet there is more.

Walked down and was shoved, pushed and squeezed. Was reminded of how I spent Christmas few years ago, when I was still in my college days. That was worse. Walked down Orchard road to join in the countdown party – all the sweat, the foam sprays, the sprays that will spray out coloured streamers etc etc waiting for the so called count down and walking in a formation through the crowd that would prevent the ladies from being groped. At the end of it, coloured streamers everywhere, drunkards, beer bottles, anger and frustration on the faces of people who did not liked being sprayed at and intending to take revenge, fights, litter… etc… all along Orchard Road. Didn’t like it at all. Is this your idea of Christmas???

To me this day is a day of love, joy and peace. Not ugliness of Man. Full of holiness and purity. Not happiness at the expense of others.

As I walked down, I saw the big picture. If you were looking from atop, don’t we simply resemble a colony of ants surrounding a piece of sweet? Even the ants do not fight themselves, do not push and shove others, do not get angry or take revenge. They live – only to contribute to their entire race. So are we worse than ants? And what would God think? Would He be happy that we’re in such a state or would He be crying everyday, every Christmas, lamenting at our behaviour.

As I mentioned earlier, the small things – little thoughts, little actions – all reflect who or how you are. No point looking at the big things. Doesn’t tell much… But then again, different people have different values and so this probably doesn’t bother anyone else. My point being, do we spend time to reflect upon ourselves?

As we celebrate Christmas, do we know the true meaning of Christmas. Sometimes, I am saddened, saddened by the little things. This holiday to me is symbolic of the greatest gift God has given to mankind. The greatest present. So the way we treat this day, our attitude towards it, really saddens me sometimes.

Many of us, conveniently or refuse to acknowledge Christ when we celebrate on this day. Worse is when its all about getting drunk and fighting. Merry CHRISTmas has turned to Merry X mas. Christ is replaced by a mere X on this day. the focus is on the Merry and the X. “X” meaning you can do whatever you want, as long it makes you merry. IS THIS THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS? So it has become a mathematical equation. X = eating shopping enjoyment fighting etc, MINUS Christ.

Everyone has their own meaning of Christmas. The above is mine. What is yours? I really hope its not all about fights, anger and frustration… How are you feeling this Christmas? I hope its not all emptiness and gloom. I hope that everyone has a joyful, peaceful, lovely Christmas.

Chinese Drama Production "Life No Take 2"

For details, contact me! :P The following synopsis is taken from www.cscc.org.sg.

Story Outline

Upon invitation, a famous director is flying back to Singapore from the United States to direct a large scale drama performance Blood Offering, which tells the story of the suffering of Jesus Christ. The lead female actress is a well-known star. Unknown to the public, this enviable pair is actually undergoing divorce proceedings. A once famous singer involved in the drama is battling depression, thus affecting her performance. The director is considering to remove her role. A hardworking and positive young actor is haunted by his past of being an abandoned baby. A cheerful and helpful man fails to reciprocate his wifes care and concern. His neglect caused her to have an asthma attack during one of the rehearsals. A rising newbie is proud and stubborn, having constant arguments with the director. In the midst of preparing for the impactful life-changing drama Blood Offering, changes in the actors lives are also unfolding

编剧：彭毅

故 事梗概： 知名导演李豪受邀从美国飞回新加坡，执导讲述耶稣受难故事的大型舞台剧《血祭》。饰演剧中女主角的是当红艺人思灵，这对令人羡慕的艺坛佳偶正在办理离婚手 续。曾红极一时的歌手惠芸深受忧郁症的困扰，表现不在状态，导演考虑换人。勤奋上进的恩赐原是一弃婴，心中有难以抹去的阴影。开朗热心的庆生却忽略对妻子 的关爱，以致雅丽哮喘病发在排练场。新晋艺人华杰桀骜不驯，常与导演顶嘴……在排练这部意欲感动生命的《血祭》中，他们的生命在发生着改变… …

人 物

李豪：男。44岁。知名导演。
思灵：女。36岁。知名艺人。
恩赐：男。21 岁。初级学院学生。
惠芸：女。46岁。80年代当红歌星。
庆生：男。40岁。舞台剧监制。
雅丽：女。33岁。家庭主妇。
华杰：男。22岁。新晋艺人。

Brrr... Random Brrr Thoughts

Weather these few days has been weird. And my nose's dripping like mad. having malaise and aches everywhere. So glad its a long weekend for me to recover... am wearing my windbreaker even though i dun have aircon la!

But just a few days ago i was sweating away... virus go away! so i can enjoy this cool weather!!!

brrr... its the time of year again...

brrr... how seasons come and go, ever so regular, ever so punctual.

brrr... a snowy snowy Christmas... when you don't have it, you long for one, when you have it, you're troubled by it... how paradoxical Man is...

It just boils down to the notion that one is never satisfied. Man wants the best of everything. Man is never satisfied. Even when we appear to be satisfied, there are fine prints associated with it. Things like "I'd enjoy this weather if only the virus is gone"

But really, Man should be satisfied.

I should be satisfied...

Smile, cos the cold weather is here again!

Life and DEATH

Life, how sacred art thou. How amazing and wonderful you are.
Life, how fragile art thou. How uncertain and sudden you move.

God, how great art thou. How magnificent and majestic You are, to create life.
God, how holy art thou. How broken and unprepared am I, to meet You.

Life, we all know as wonderful as it is, comes and goes without us knowing. Some may have warnings or prodromes, like previous stroke or heart attack or cancer; yet some may not even have the slightest idea. Any one of us can drop dead the next moment. Each day is a mercy from God.

The question we have to ask ourselves everyday is, are you ready to meet God at this moment?

I am not.

The next question: when will you ever be ready? Don't you want to start getting yourself ready for that day, no matter when it comes? Why are you still delaying it?

It is very much like a spring test. We've had lots of that in secondary school. We know that a test will be coming, only we don't know when. So we try our best to prepare and learn, so that we will be prepared when the test comes. I don't know about you, but most Singaporeans, being Kiasu, will start preparing for it, so that they will not be caught unawares.

If we can do this for a spring test, then why aren't we doing it for something that determines our eternity?

Yes, we as humans are given 5 senses. So as long as something we do not look feel see hear taste, we are less likely to treat it seriously. Which is why we treat a spring test with more respect than our eternity. We lose our reasoning and perseverance once we do not see it immediately.

Yet we know that God has given us so many things to look feel see hear and taste Him. Why do we still deny Him? Why are we still not heeding His Word?

"Yes, save it for later, after i finish my exams / my meeting / my project etc etc" Hmmm are you really so sure you can finish your project before you die? The lady who went to Mumbai was quite confident she could come back after she gave her talk. She had even made plans for children. She thought life would just go on as it is, circling around her, until she's fed up of this life then she'd say bye. (Forgive me for these presumptous statements. But you get the idea... don't you?) Many of us live life like that; ME INCLUDED. It is like having no concrete plans to study for your exams. You do not plan what you are to cover this week, so that you can finally finish the whole syllabus, but read whatever you like, thinking that the exam will not come so fast...

With the end in mind, THEN you will be able to live life to the fullest.

For me, if i've never figured out life and death issues, Maker issues, i'd never be able to live my life to the fullest. Things like your job, your outlook, future plans, your relationships including boyfren or girlfren, spouse etc etc all cannot be settled or planned if we never figured out who God is or is there really a god (for atheists) etc etc... I don't think that it's a waste of time / fairytale to find out more about your eternity. Cos my outlook and the things i do will really be different.

Scenario A (if i'm an atheist, there is no eternity): i'd just do things that will make me "happy". If i like this gal i'd go for her, no matter whether its the perfect match. Just as long as I AM HAPPY. When I'm not happy anymore, well, just break up and find another. I AM HAPPY. "I"

Scenario B (if i'm not an atheist, of certain religion): I might not do things that will make me happy, OR the reason I am happy changes. I am now happy when i see things "right" etc etc.

So it really depends. So I think one need to sort that out first, before one can progress further.

The next question: are you sure u'd face your Maker as who you this He / She is after you die?

I am quite sure I'd face God and nothing else on the final day. Just that I am still not prepared for it.

Yet another question: You may be starting off well, being very enthusiastic in your quest for knowledge (or living, in this context), but are you sure that enthusiasm will sustain? Will you suddenly become burnt out just before the exam and in the end you do not end well?

Are you prepared for THAT DAY? Why not? Start now!

DO YOU NEED TO WAIT TILL SECONDS BEFORE YOUR HEART ATTACK?!? OR START TO REGRET WHEN THE GRENADE ROLLS IN FRONT OF YOU?

Perhaps this post sounds weird, but i think it is very practical! Just my personal reflection of recent happenings, what God's speaking to me and the finality of things...